Do I Have to Do What He Says?
Morning friend,
I’ve been noodling on another quote: I’d love to hear your thoughts:
“Joy is the emotional expression of the courageous YES to one’s own being.” Paul Tillich
This one is hard for most women. To have a courageous yes to themselves. Not in a selfish, self-centered, narcissistic way. But to honor, respect, and care for the person inside that God created you to be and become. To nurture and nourish her. To know her. What does she like? What does she hate? What makes her soul sing and come alive? What crushes her spirit? What does she need to flourish? What keeps her stuck in unhealthy people pleasing and toxic relationships?
We will start our summer flexible coaching program July 14. There will be 9 separate sessions each week (for 6 weeks) to provide flexibility during the busy summer. Each week you can attend one or several coaching sessions to make your personal growth a priority.
If you need more “courageous yes’s” to your life story come check us out. You can find out more about it here>
Question: I do not have Facebook and was directed here. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this situation? I try to get jobs, yet my husband STRONGLY prefers me not to work because if I were to bring anything in we would be pushed over the tax bracket threshold where my income would all go towards taxes, his income would be taxed more and some at the end of the year. He is right about this fact; however, it hinders me from being an adult due to limitations for my own schedule at home.
#2nd Q: Is this a reasonable request I should consider from my husband during reconciliation? For 13yrs he’s been destructive with not wanting to do anything with me. So, I found and followed you for 2 yrs on YouTube, got a group of 5 praying friends who know my situation. They have been my community for 1yr and sponsored 2 months of Conquer recently. My group of sisters are celebrating birthdays at a Mineral Springs for 1 day. I mentioned to my husband I was considering going. He said NO. We are just starting reconciliation. We have not experienced anything together. He wants us to experience trips and the springs before I do with friends. He thinks that I should understand we are the priority not birthday parties with friends when we haven’t planned anything for us yet. He wants to focus on us not friends. For 2 yrs I did focus on my growth and these sisters. I didn’t focus on him because it was unhealthy. We have been separated in the home for 1 year. Recently we’ve had 1 month of reconciliation. He said he will listen to my request and have a discussion about my thoughts but he stands on his NO.
Do I take this request into consideration from my husband? I have concerns that this has nothing to do with him and me. But am I being selfish. I’ve been solo with this for 13 yrs with no outside advice besides seeing you on YouTube.
I am not allowed to have FB or social media due to his job. Those sisters are at the point that they calmly say our homes are ready if you leave. Their patience has been stretched.
Answer: First, good for you that you reached out for some more help and wisdom. You’ve been struggling with this man and marriage for a long time. I’m not sure what specifically led to you to separate after 13 years of experiencing his indifference and controlling behavior over you. You don’t say. But I’m so glad you have your praying friends. They have been faithful to stand with you. Now you are attempting to reconcile your marriage. My question for you is, what’s different than before? Have you talked together about why the separation was needed? Has there been any repentance or repair?
You wrote that he has not allowed you to be employed, and that keeps you in a dependent position. He said it was for tax reasons, but income is not the only consideration. What about how you feel? What about what you want? What about what God’s calling you to do? Developing your own skill set to be more fruitful in your life? And if you don’t feel a paid position is the right decision because of his concerns regarding the tax liability, what stops you from volunteering your time and talents? Or going back to school to learn some new skills? From what you wrote, he decides what you can and cannot do.
Friend, he’s not your father and he’s not your god. You are an adult woman with adult choices. You have been given a voice and choice by your Heavenly Father, whether your husband agrees or likes it.
It’s true, if you want to reconcile your marriage his opinion should matter as should his feelings, but equally so should yours. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. So let me ask you a question. What kind of relationship do you want going forward if you both are to reconcile this marriage? The same that you had before? That’s what’s happening around this decision whether to go with your friends.
From what you wrote his answer is already NO. He says he will listen, but the answer is still NO. Why would you talk to him about this if you have no influence? No, you can’t work. No, you can’t have social media, and now no, you can’t go with your friends on this birthday trip. Of course he’s got his reasons, but why do they always take priority over what you want or need?
Regarding the decision around the birthday party. Your husband has no date in mind for you to do something, yet he says you’re being selfish to attend something that’s already been planned? Friend, from what I can tell, he’s doing what he’s always done. Controlling you and manipulating his words to make it seem like you are selfish or disagreeable for not complying. Your friends have stood with you over these past few years, now it’s time for you to stand for you.
Yes, he probably will get mad if you go to the party. But this is where you get to change the relationship dynamics in this reconciliation period. He’s done what he’s always done, but if you do something different, then the dynamics will change. There is no guarantee they will change for the better, but if he gets worse, then the possibility of true reconciliation or not will also be much clearer for you.
He’s an example of what you might say. “I understand that you want me to prioritize our reconciliation over attending the birthday party weekend with my friends, I think I am capable of doing both. This birthday weekend does not conflict with anything we have planned together. They have stood with me and are my good friends. They are important to me and I am going to go to celebrate this weekend with them. If you’d like to plan a different weekend for us together, then let me know. If our reconciled marriage is going to be any different than before, then it has to be different for both of us. I am an adult, and I do have a mind of my own. We may disagree, which a lot of couples do, but I am no longer willing to live in a child/parent relationship with you. Biblical submission does not mean I have no choices or that you get your way all the time.“
Then stop talking. Do not justify, argue, defend or explain (JADE) if he pushes back or argues. Watch what he does after you give your perspective.
He may disagree, manipulate, guilt trip you, threaten you, or ….maybe, …hopefully…for the first time, hear you. You don’t know. But if your marriage has any chance of moving towards a healthy one, you are the one who must change by not allowing the same pattern to continue or this reconciliation period will quickly default to the same marriage you always had.
Friend, when you’ve begun to change your dance steps in an unhealthy/destructive relationship, what has been the outcome for you? For the relationship?
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Your writer doesn’t say if there has been physical abuse, but in my marriage, standing up like you suggest could have been dangerous. Just a thought. I’m not saying you are wrong, it’s just not always so easy.
Bebe, thanks for your warning. No she did not indicate any physical danger but it’s always wise to mention safety is a #1 goal. However, she is now looking at reconciliation and that is impossible if she isn’t even safe to say no to him or yes to others. Therefore, if she wants anything to be different than it was, she has to begin to assert herself as an adult person. Not in a mean way or sinful way, but if she doesn’t she will keep doing what she’s always done as will he, which wasn’t healthy for the first 13 years of their marriage.
These situations are tricky AND your husband may really lay on the guilt as if you’re a horrible person. His perspective is not the end all be all truth and your perspective is just as valid if not more so. Even if it’s not the perfect decision, it is often necessary to step out and make an independent decision here and there. It’s the basics of autonomy. And anyone who condemns you for even an imperfect decision is a jerk. Yes, I said it. And it can be okay to stay married to a jerk depending on the situation, but having a firm grip on what we know to be true of a situation is life saving. At least it has been for me. 😬😊
This is not how a repentant person behaves. This is not how a loving man behaves. PLEASE don’t let the enemy of our soul deceive you into believing this is love or reconciliation. My heart is with you.
That marriage sounds very controlling. I hope that wife finds her strength and wisdom-I feel like she deep down knows truth and truth is the only thing that will set us free. But freedom isn’t free! When I found my no and started being true to my desires, a lot of people who I thought were my number one people literally left my life. They don’t want to talk to me. They don’t want to know how I am doing. Many of them only see the void my absence has left in their lives. If I knew then what I know now I don’t know if I would have had what it’s taking to get through this. But today has enough troubles of its own why worry about tomorrow. Having even one Supportive person is all you need. Someone who validates what God is directing you towards. Who encourages you to listen to the Holy Spirit not be a husband centered wife. If these men knew how wonderful it is to having a wife who loves the Savior more than them-they would be curious, embrace us both and we would all be better off! Free will is a beautiful gift. You do you dear sweet woman who doesn’t have Facebook and can’t have a job and considers giving up a mineral spa day with five amazing friends and let him be him. Break that trauma bond. Bust open the codependency. He will never leave you nor forsake you. I can testify to that truth! And He’s more than enough.
Sweet sister. Why would you want people in your life that are. Only there to use you? When we start standing up for ourselves and setting boundaries, bad intentioned people do drop off like dead flies. You want them to! Yes it’s painful. But it’s so worth it. As I have grown and become my authentic self, I’ve lost one entire side of my family and all my friends. Because I was an extreme giver. Now that I’m not giving myself away and being that doormat, I am of no use to those people. And the more that dropped away, the easier it became to watch them walk. And very freeing in the end. Because I won’t have extreme takers around me anymore. I am more happy now with good people around than I have ever been. And now I have the opportunity to create new friendships with the right kind of people since now I have the time and space to do so. And with my new knowledge, I can say no thanks to anyone showing signs of being an extreme taker, manipulator, and ill intended person.
I agree with u. My life is the same as yours. I lost my family and most my friends to who were takers and narcissist and slowly I fins people who aren’t like that and are not narcissist I can be myself around.
We’re here for God and his purpose and there is no way to be ourselves around controlling people who have a agenda for themselves only and expect us to serve them and there insanity.
I lost myself and now I am finding myself more and more.
Living in these controlling situation keeps our whole life in hypervigilence of how to not stand on the landmines they place all over our field we have to avoid
There is freedom like u say in walking away before our immune systems crash out
This is 2025, there are some huge red flags. If she is in America and she has to avoid social media, a job, etc. that will keep her tuck and isolated. She needs to process how he will react if she does go to this celebration. This is a very controlling situation and could be dangerous. He wants her to be dependent on him. She needs to look for ways to build up an emergency fund on the side. She has mentioned he has made no attempts to plan anything with her in moving forward. It sounds like he is fine with the current situation. Prayers of discernment and courage for you going forward.
So many red flags. The concern over her getting a job pushing them to a higher tax bracket is a red herring. A visit with a financial play would clarify, but increasing his pre tax contrition s retirement account and her putting into a pre tax tax retirement account as well would probably fix it. I think this is a way to make sure she stays dependent and controlled. Nothing on this tells me he is ready for a sincere attempts reconcile
It took me a long time to realize how much power I was giving him. When “Is it ok if I…” changed to a confident , ” Hey, guess what? I’m going to…It’s going to be so fun! ” , at first it caused shock and anger, the whole 9 yards, but I had to keep smiling and ignore. No arguing, no guilt. Yea, he’s more covert now, but usually I can catch it.
I’ve read tons of books, done lots of workshops, podcasts, but the best is The Living Free workshop from btr dot org.
Not the main point but are you sure that your taxes would even increase? Federal tax brackets are marginal—not sure about your state. I mention this because I was unaware myself until a financial expert friend told me. So if additional income lifts you into a higher income tax bracket, your tax only increases on the amount that went over.
So for example say your husband makes 80,000. That puts you in the 12% tax bracket which goes up to about 96,950 . Then say you get a job earning $20,000., bringing total income to 100,000. That bumps you into the next bracket, which is taxed at 22%. Sounds bad, right? Like now you are paying almost twice as many taxes? Not so! Actually you only pay 22% on the AMOUNT THAT WENT OVER 96,950. So your husband is paying NO higher taxes in this scenario. You also are being taxed at 12% on most of your 20,000 in income. Only that little 3050 would be taxed at 22%. As I understand it.
If you want to know more, there is a lot online about marginal tax brackets. My friend said this is a very common misunderstanding.
Yes this lady is right.
$20000 more is only taxed at the higher amount for that 20000
He is doing this as full control over you.
I heard more of your story in our group and from what I am hearing.
He is a big time manipulator
He seems like a dangerous man.
Even if he works for government.
That is not true that no woman w a husband who works there can’t work.
If u worked that amount would benefit you both more than the extra tactics
He is lying to you to dictate and control u to keep believing his B S and keep u under control.
He doesn’t want u to have the freedom u get here because his game is over once u see this man has u in his very own prison like a cult where he brainwashed you against u and convinces u your wrong.
He doesn’t want u to go to the birthday party cause he doesn’t want you talking to anyone to find out what a dictating controler he is.
I was with u in the last session and I think he is very dangerous that he has gone to these lengths to keep u hostage in your home with 0 outside influence.
When u try to squeeze for more freedom.
He will snap and threat and could be very dangerous for you.
He seems like a stocker type to from what u revealed.
I think Leslie is right in all she says that that’s testing him by doing what she says to how controlling he is and listen loud for his reaction.
That will tell u everything.
If u go I would plan for the worse.
Have on speed dial the police and that 1800 safety # Leslie says.
Have a bag packed in your car
Keys on u
Cellphone on u
Menards has these necklaces for $20 that u pull a pin. A siren goes off. When u pull the pin.
Plan if u go to party. He could be dangerous coming back
So have all safety available.
Like let these friends know.
You may have to go there.
I don’t know if u could have someone check your car underneath for a tracking device.
Don’t tell him where those friends live
Ask yourself in what way he is changing because all his reactions here are dictating ruling you controlling you to keep u a prisoner and he seems to me like he could do some major physical harm to you to keep u under control.
I heard more of your story than your saying here.
I think this man is extremely dangerous for your life.
The fact he goes to the levels he does to lie to cut off all your outside resources u could have to freedom.
And that after he married u accused u of lieing about a man u dated many years ago by not revealing it and now uses that against u to say.
This is why u need to be caged. It’s your fault u did it.
U didn’t do anything wrong.
He just tries to use these things to have a excuse to guilt and shame u u broke his trust.
He has been convincing u of this so long he believes it himself.
He I a nt going to want to give up this control.
He has done alot to keep u hostage.
I know your not allowed phone calls either and he tracks all that.
Could your friends get u a phone u just buy minutes to use so you have a phone he don’t know about?
Or use there phone is a option to call 1800 safety #
Leslie gives out and Call to Peace
I personally would give this man no info. about your friends
Fewest words possible.
If u go there. They might want to consider cameras and motion lights and u get a restraining order
I have a feeling u may need all that so just putting it out there to plan for worse case.
I think u have mixed family to.
So u need a plan for there safety to.
I would get some of these resources in place so your prepared.
Some of these guys let u just go
But many don’t and stock u.
There are small tazors for safety
But they could turn it on you.
I don’t want to scare u but I think u need to have clarity
This man is not for you and your relationship.
He is for himself only
Really look at his strong NO to you going to a birthday party and leaving your prison for a short time
And what he is doing to stop that.
That tells u alot that he don’t want u out of your cage.
The question for u is how dangerous will he get if u go leave the cage.? What has been his patterns?
He may be a man who is determined to not let u leave.
There is a reason your friends are giving u a way out
But u may need more protection than they can give u
These are questions u can ask by calling the safety # from your friends phone.
He let u out of the house to pray for babies not thinking u were going to grow friendships and God was going to use these woman as doors to your freedom.
Just please be safe and put all means of safety around u that u can.
If your friends no how to hook up deer cameras.
They work great as safety outside the house that u can hook to your phone.
Sony makes little recorders to u could pocket during confrontations w him for your safety
Praying for you
It sounds like he is using “reconciliation “ as a way to continue his control over her. Please don’t be fooled. That is not reconciliation.
Would anyone have extra cash to donate to this lady to stay in this group.?
I don’t but thought if anyone is led to help out.
Her friends paid 2 months and she can’t get it from husband cause he can’t know.
I think she needs the help of this group because she has no outlet except for us and those couple woman that he hasn’t taken away yet.
She really needs to have outside tie
Mary this group blog community is 100% free. If you are talking about CONQUER, we provide scholarships if a current member is needing help. Just tell her to reach out to [email protected]