Choosing Health When Courage Feels Small and Backlash Feels Big
Happy New Year, friends! Every January carries a subtle invitation to begin again, though not always in the bright, fresh-start way we may imagine. For me, it feels like winter has only just begun. The days are still short, the landscape mostly grey, and there’s a long stretch ahead before warmth or bloom returns. As I step into this new year, I’m noticing my energy feels smaller than I’d like it to be, while the discomfort of change feels bigger.
I sense a quiet nudge toward health, not by doing less in life, but by carrying less as I live it. Less accumulation. Less emotional clutter. Less holding onto things, patterns, and what feels familiar, even when it no longer serves me. I’m learning that clutter isn’t always obvious; sometimes it looks like unfinished decisions, taking more than I need, or the familiar comfort I find in gathering and holding on.
Still, I’m longing to shift that comfort toward what actually sustains: deep relationships, presence, simplicity, and an appreciation for what I already possess. I’ve learned that wanting change and sustaining it are two very different things. If I’m honest, letting go sounds inspiring, until it asks me to actually let go. When discomfort looms large, it’s easy to retreat into old patterns. And yet, I feel an invitation to choose health anyway, even when courage feels small. Perhaps you sense it as well.
Today’s Question: I’ve read the Emotionally Destructive Relationship, I watch the YouTube videos and read the blog each week. And I feel God prompting me to make changes, like to have boundaries, to stop over-functioning, to stop saying yes when my heart is saying no. But I’m terrified of the conflict that might follow. How do I move toward healthy change when the fear of backlash feels bigger than my courage?
Susan’s Response: You’re not the only woman asking this question. I hear it often, and I’ve lived it as well. You read the books, you watch the teaching, you soak in truth, and you know God is inviting you toward healthier choices: setting boundaries, stepping out of over-functioning, telling the truth about what your heart can and cannot carry. And yet, fear rises. Fear of backlash, of being misunderstood, of starting conflict you aren’t sure you can handle, fear of losing the little stability you have, or of making things worse before they get better
If that’s where you’re sitting right now, let me say this gently: There is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t spiritually deficient or weak. You’re scared because your story has taught you to be. Fear of backlash is often fear of being harmed. Many women minimize this part. They say, “I’m just afraid of conflict.” But usually it’s more than that. Conflict itself isn’t dangerous, but conflict with a destructive, dismissive, or emotionally volatile person can be.
So when you imagine setting a small boundary and your stomach drops, that may be your body’s way of remembering previous fallout. The silent treatment. The anger. The cold withdrawal. The blame. The guilt trips. The spiritual pressure. The twisting of your words. Or even more serious forms of emotional or physical intimidation.
So let’s honor that. Fear is a signal, not a failure. Before you push yourself to be “braver,” pause and ask:
- What am I actually afraid will happen?
- Has this person historically escalated when I’ve expressed a need?
- What is the real risk to my emotional, spiritual, or physical safety?
- What support do I need before taking a step?
God never asks you to deny reality or to ignore danger. He asks you to walk in wisdom.
Proverbs reminds us: “The prudent see danger and take refuge” (Proverbs 22:3). Sometimes courage looks like pausing long enough to tell the truth about what is risky.
When fear has been your companion for a long time, you don’t suddenly leap into confidence. Courage grows in small honest steps. So, start small. Take the first tiny step with one moment of honesty. Recognize one boundary that simply tells the truth about your capacity. Allow yourself to pause before saying yes. Every small act of truth builds a little more courage. Every moment you honor your limits strengthens your internal voice. Every time you refuse to over-function, your body learns a new way of being.
We often underestimate what small steps can do over time. But the kingdom of God does not despise small beginnings (Zechariah 4:10). Small things grow. Quiet seeds become strong trees. Courage is no different.
One of the most misunderstood ideas in Christian spaces is that courage means not feeling afraid. But throughout Scripture, God speaks to His people in their fear, not after they’ve conquered it.
Think about Gideon. Hiding in a winepress. Terrified. God didn’t scold him. God named him “mighty warrior” while he was still trembling.
Think about Mary. Confused. Uncertain. God met her with reassurance: “Do not be afraid.”
Think about Jesus in the garden — sweating blood, overwhelmed, longing for another way.
Courage isn’t the absence of fear. Courage is remaining aligned with what is true and right even when fear is loud. In your story, courage may sound like a quiet “no.” Or a shaky truth spoken out loud. Or drawing a boundary that protects the image of God within you. Or asking for help. Or making a plan for safety. Or simply choosing to stop over-functioning in places where you’ve been carrying the whole weight of the relationship.
Let yourself grieve what change might cost. Sometimes the fear isn’t just about conflict– it’s about loss. Loss of peace (even if it was a false peace). Loss of predictability. Loss of the fantasy that if you just do everything right, the other person will finally change. Naming those losses is part of choosing health. Grief doesn’t mean you’re going backward. It means you’re waking up. Courage doesn’t erase grief, it moves with it.
Fear multiplies in isolation. But courage grows when you’re supported. You need women around you who understand destructive patterns, who can help you think clearly, who can validate the reality of your situation, and who can help you keep your footing when things get confusing or scary. You were never meant to face backlash alone. Jesus sent His disciples out two by two for a reason. Strength is communal.
God is not standing with crossed arms, waiting for you to “be braver.” He is present with you in the fear, guiding you toward wisdom and truth step by step. Psalm 56:3 says, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.” Not if, but when.
You may not know the outcome of stepping toward health. You may not know how the other person will respond. But you can know this: God meets you in courage that feels too small.
He strengthens what is weak. He guards what you entrust to Him. He puts resources along your path. And He does not abandon women who choose truth.
If you’d like structured support as you take these steps, the Empowered to Change group coaching experience begins this January. It’s a compassionate, biblically grounded space to help you build courage, set wise boundaries, reduce over-functioning, and discern your next steps, especially if fear or backlash has kept you stuck. You don’t have to walk this road alone.
Be well!
Beloved reader, when you picture making a healthy change, what fear rises first, and what truth might meet it?
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Such a well-written article sharing truth with compassion. Thank you, Susan.
Thank you, Susan! I hope you found it helpful and encouraging.
I am finally beginning to say no more, but my inner voice sometimes tells me (loudly) that I am a bad person for saying no. The emotional backlash of shame and guilt is quite painful. Using my Thought Journal from E2C quieted that voice but there is still a tiny amount of guilt. Can I take E2C again?
Certainly, Deb. You are welcome to register for E2C 2026. We start the week of January 12th. It could be helpful to curiously explore your feeling of guilt, where it comes from, and if it is in fact guilt (or another feeling).
What an answer to my prayer this morning! Thank you for sharing the wisdom, peace and courage that comes from God alone. He is patient and gentle with us. How I needed to hear that. I will be reading this a few more times to let it sink into my soul.
Happy New Year, Reenie! I am glad you found it helpful.
I agree. Such a great answer to this subject! I, too, will be returning to read this and soak up its wisdom and strength as needed. Thank you and Happy New Year!
Happy New Year to you as well, Kathleen! Thanks you for being part of the LV&Co community.
When God says Fear not, I don’t think that’s a commanding tone, but a comforting one. Trauma is not so much what happens to us, but what happens in the absence of an empathetic witness (Gabor Mate). Going it alone was never His plan for us, that’s why marriage, family, church. Fear not is a comfort phrase, as in, I’m here.
Confronting an abusive spouse is worse than being alone, it’s dangerous. Silence isn’t cowardice, it’s resisting in the only safe way at that time.
The support of women online and even friends is nice, yet they cannot protect you. I believe that God has called the other men in our lives to do that – father, brother, church guys, law guys, etc., yet mostly that’s sadly not happening so we need to be very wise and careful in our resisting.
This is a great post today.
In prayer, I’m often given strategies that are not what I would have thought because everyone is different.
Some days I just think, well, I’m not the first person in history who has landed in a concentration camp and Jesus was with them, too. How can I partner with Him to bring a little shalom to my world today? My best resistance is still by not giving him much attention. Jefferson Fisher has a lot of short videos on how to answer a fool.
Connie, thank you for what you said about God’s “Fear not” being a comfort rather than a command! My history leads me to everything as a command with consequences for failure. What a blessing to begin to think about this differently! Thank you again.
The comfort rather than command stood out to me too x
Barb, I agree, and also “ everything as a command with consequences for failure”… that’s it!
My whole life, from “ honor your parents “ meaning: “do what pleases me, or the consequences will be my displeasure with you” to my long term marriage, where for years I gave up more and more of myself, constantly “ doing” for others, sacrificing, etc..hoping that eventually my gracious, kind, self-sacrificing behavior would lead my husband to see that his behavior is unhealthy and damaging, and he’d finally grow, value me, and return the grace I extended to him. But no, it’s still him demanding wants, being emotionally immature, and worst of all: instead of listening to me, viewing me as a valuable equal, considering my needs as sometimes more important than his wants, he chooses to repeatedly make up fictions that “ justify “ his behavior ( I have to use quotes; his presumptions are so ridiculous) and completely dismiss me.
He wonders why I’m not attracted to him; consistent, insistent, demanding, self-centered toddler behavior in a 60+ man is not attractive.
And it’s only after years of study that I realize that my feelings toward him, because of his behaviors toward me, are logical, sensible, natural…and that trying to force myself into “ service” to him, in the way he wants, is not stewarding myself well. Regardless of the “ consequences “ for not supplying all his wants that he tries to impose on me.
Thank you for sharing, Connie! Have a blessed and safe new year!
Change and grief…wow…yes yes and yes. I am afraid of what will be lost even if it is so dysfunctional. Wasn’t able to articulate that until I read it. Also resonated with trying to work harder and change myself more hoping praying, pleading that that would one day change him. Thank you, Susan. Lots of great tidbits to think about and pray over..
I am glad it offered some help to you, Cindy! Thank you for being here.
Thank you Susan! I’ve taken some small courageous steps and I’ve been chastising myself for not taking bigger steps. This message is straight from God through you for me today. I’ll be prayerfully reading this over and over. Thanking God for you!
Small steps will move you forward in steady and intentional ways, Barb. Great job being courageous! Many blessings to you in 2026.
The comfort rather than command stood out to me too x
Wow! I needed this article and the responses today.
I am feeling shame and guilt over my failed marriage and wondering if I did enough to save it. But realize, through the article and your words of encouragement, I needed to save myself before I could think about saving the relationship. The feelings are overwhelming at times, but taking baby steps with God’s help to heal myself..
Debra, I don’t know your particular story, of course, but I would take a guess that your efforts to save your marriage were more than enough. I’ve spent so many years trying, sacrificing, giving, shutting down my own true needs, much less wants…and about the last 7 years learning, trying to communicate, be even more empathetic, etc. And now I’m at a place where I feel the better choice would have been to find a way out years ago, but of course that isn’t possible.
My husband has adamantly refused to change or grow in any way, and has become increasingly emotionally abusive. For a long time fear was what held me back from making changes. As I’ve made changes in my behavior, healthier ones, my husband has doubled down on his selfishness and demands. But now I find that while it is still upsetting, I no longer blame myself. His choices are his, and he has chosen to be and act the way he is. It isn’t my fault.
The only reason I’m staying now is that both my daughter and I have severe chronic illnesses, and the one thing my husband does “ for” us is earn a good salary. The second he retires, I’m done..if not sooner.
I’m so glad to hear you chose to save yourself. Sometimes, that’s all you can do, the sooner the better.
You could never have been more than 50% of the relationship. It took me years to learn that. I think I was trying to be about 90% of the good in the relationship , plus of course 90%+ of the emotional labor for the family, for most of my marriage, and it’s nearly killed me ( literally, I have severe heart disease that has been exacerbated by severe, years long stress).
So good for you, for taking care of yourself! Be well, be free, and be blessed!
Dear Grace, I am so sorry that you feel you have to remain in this destructive relationship. May I offer a couple of thoughts? First, I wonder just how much your chronic illness is a result of living in this stressful relationship. Surely it could at least improve if you were not subjected to this ongoing stressful situation. The other thought I have is that it would be helpful to learn what your rights would be, financially, if you divorced. An interview with a lawyer could ease your mind. Check this, of course, without letting your husband know, so he doesn’t lash out. There are some very effective ways to protect yourself.
Joann, thank you for this! I read this in the midst of copying records while my H is out of town…feeling terribly guilty about it, of course, and wondering, “ is the marriage really this bad?” And the answer is yes, and there’s nothing left for me to do, or to lose.
And yes, my cardiologists have never been able to explain why I have such severe cardiac disease, because I have only a few genetic risks, and no lifestyle habits that would lead to this state…
My daughter moved home to start a new chapter, and so we could support each other ( I had been traveling the 8 hour drive bimonthly to help her, several days at a time). She’s been home, with my H and me, for 6 months now, and she says her physical and mental health are the worst they’ve been in years. So she’s feeling stressed, and without agency, because she does not want to feel financially dependent, but she is having difficulty functioning at the level she needs to, due to her Dad’s behavior and attitudes. He used to “ behave” when she visited. Now my daughter sees how bad my circumstances really are. Which of course, leads to me feeling even more stressed, responsible, discouraged, and trapped….
So now, I’m releasing feeling obligated to try to fix my marriage. I do have high medical financial costs, which would not be covered by Medicare, even if I was the age for it, as they require non-standard medicines.
But I also agree with you….perhaps my health would improve significantly if I had the confidence that I could create a financial circumstance that would give me at least some confidence that I would be ok. So I am looking into financial and legal advice.
Thank you very much for your support and encouragement, it means a lot!❤️
I agree. This is a very helpful article. Thanks Susan. I am going to go over the questions again about when fear is a signal.
I’m think my fear is of abandonment and aloneness.
I will remind myself that God promised He will never leave or forsake me.
Thanks again and God bless!
“Courage may sound like…a shaky truth spoken out loud”.
I did that. And recently felt maybe I made a mistake.That I was weak. Emotionally or strategically. But I read that it was actually courageous. Courageous?! No. Whatever he (my ex) thought doesn’t matter. Dear God knows how hard it was for me to read that short letter to him. My exes only response? He said thankyou for sharing that. No acknowledgment of anything. No empathy. No remorse. No discussion. So why was I so disapponted when he did……nothing? Like nothing had been said. My deepest needs expressed quietly, fearfully, with a breaking voice had no effect on him. Seemed like my vulnerability was for nothing. He wanted things to go back to normal. Normal being highly dysfunctional with me in increasing despair. Those words were later held against me I guess. But not by God. I did tell the truth. I didn’t ask for too much. I wanted kindness and tenderness, gentle treatment and to feel safe. He didn’t have that to give it seems but he knows our relationship failure is still my fault. He let me know all he’s ever done is try to help me. It’s getting easier to bear the injustices as I move forward with God towards healing. (Sorry if this is confusing.)