Hello LV&Co Friends! As we celebrate the joys of freedom this month brings, I pray the summer sunlight and the Son’s glorious light bring you much growth and vitality. Many blessings to you all!

Today’s Question: I married when I was 28. I was mousy and struggled mightily with generalized anxiety. I knew my husband had some emotional hurts from his life, but he was an ordained pastor and on staff at our church, and I saw his love for Christ daily. I truly believed that any problems we might run into would be easily resolved because we both loved the Lord and knew what Scripture said about resolving conflict, etc.

Over the years, the Lord has freed me from my anxiety and opened my eyes to a lot of things. I now believe that my husband's experiences have harmed him much more than I originally suspected, and as a result have harmed/are harming our marriage and family. His biological mother walked away from the family when he was young; his family life was traumatic. His first fiancé called things off. His first wife had an affair and then left with his 2 year old daughter. I don't think he truly dealt with any of this or understands the harm those experiences caused him, or how they may be affecting “us”.

He is harsh with the kids and with me, careless with his words, and unwilling to be vulnerable/connect with me emotionally. He has refused counseling because he doesn't want “anyone to know our stuff”. He won't even really acknowledge that our marriage is not healthy and is unsatisfying to us both. The older my kids get, the more concerned I am (I know that is backwards – I should have stepped up earlier) about the emotional harm to them and the possibility of a generational curse related to harmful relationships, because it's all they know.

We made a pact when we got married that we would never bad-talk the other. So how do I stop walking on eggshells when he's resentful/angry? How do I maintain the no-bad-talk promise but still be honest with my kids about what I'm feeling? And when he does/says something hurtful, how do I convince him that we need help before we implode?

Susan’s Response: In my work, I encounter so many Christian marriages that begin similarly to how you described marriage in your first paragraph. Early on, there is awareness of each other's struggles and wounds, as well as a belief that the godly love can cover those challenges bringing resolve. As you are realizing, how that plays out is often much more challenging and different than expected.

It is clear that you take your commitments seriously and honesty is important to you. I can hear that you have a high value for loyalty. Loyalty is a beautiful thing until it’s taken to an extreme, twisted and distorted. It is beneficial to understand what loyalty looks like in its healthiest form to eliminate confusion. Loyalty at its best is rooted in mutual respect and understanding. Healthy loyalty has boundaries and prioritizes wellbeing. At its foundation, loyalty is about commitment, faithfulness, and support. It requires relational balance, where both partners are invested in each other’s well-being. Maintaining loyalty to your partner while also acknowledging the truth, could sound very different than “bad-talking” about your partner. The motivations would likely be different as well.

Loyalty should be a source of good not evil, and yet it gets used against many well meaning people. Oftentimes in Christian culture, teaching and expectations about loyalty are pushed to unhealthy degrees. The idea that you should stand by your spouse no matter what can lead to feelings of entrapment, helplessness and shame. There are Christian women across the world who are wrestling with accusations of disloyalty because they are speaking up about mistreatment and destructiveness in their relationships. Many churches hold women to high standards of silence and protection of husbands who display patterns of addiction, untreated mental health issues, and harsh treatment toward their families.

True loyalty doesn’t mean blind obedience or sacrificing your own needs in order to placate someone else’s dysfunctional choices. Loyalty doesn’t stand for one person giving unconditionally while the other person takes from them without remorse. Unhealthy loyalty involves excessive dependence, overfunctioning, and sacrificing personal wellbeing for the other person's sin. It's important to balance loyalty with self-respect and individual needs.

Blind loyalty can elicit complicity with harm. It is likely that loyalty to a relationship has become toxic when it is driven by guilt, fear, or manipulation. Sharing the emotions of anger and resentment can be a natural part of an intimate relationship. However if threatening behaviors stemming from anger and resentment are causing you to “walk on eggshells”, there are destructive patterns going on that should be taken seriously.

Friend, loyalty means wanting the best for those you love and being a safe supporter for them. If you are protecting someone you care about by allowing destructive behaviors to continue, I would not call that being loyal.

It is important that your children’s experiences and feelings over the harsh treatment are addressed in a healthy way so they do know something different. Your children need at least one healthy parent. While you may want to share your difficult feelings with your children about their father, here is something to consider. It is necessary to be intentional not to share in a way that causes children to be overly responsible for the parent's feelings and left grappling with caring for an adult. Children should not be put in a position to manage the emotions of a parent. It may be especially tempting to engage your children in this way if you don’t have a deep emotional connection with your husband.

It will be more beneficial to them if you could attune to their emotions and listen to their experiences with care and empathy. You didn’t give more detail about his harshness towards the kids. Just for the sake of example, you might address the harshness in this way. “Honey, I heard what dad said to you earlier. Your face seemed to fall and your eyes watered up a bit. What was it like to hear those words from him?” Then listen and provide some empathy. “I know it hurts. I want you to know that you are not those words that he called you. I see so much strength, courage, and kindness in you. When I have endured harshness like that, I get hurt and sad too. I find it really helpful to take a breath and remind myself who God says I am. I don’t let myself believe the lies and opinions of others that are harmful to me. I have even spoken up for myself out loud and said, that is not true of me. What could you do in order to take care of yourself when you don’t like how you are being treated?”

In doing this, you can still uphold your no-bad-talk promise. Additionally, you can help them by modeling emotional regulation, strong boundaries, assertive communication and excellent self care. In order to do that well, you will need support from other wise, emotionally mature adults who understand destructive patterns and the harm they cause. Finding a few trustworthy adults to share your deep feelings with is an important part of your own healthy growth.

Even if your husband is unwilling to get help, you can still care for your children and your own wellbeing. Ultimately, you cannot create a healthy marriage on your own and he may not be willing to listen to your feedback or do the work required. Having boundaries, will protect you from being part of his implosion. Your best opportunity to “convince him” to get help before implosion happens, is to live a healthy and mature life.

Be well!

Beloved reader, How have you upheld loyalty and also maintained truth when someone has continued to harm you?