Can Letting Him Go Be God’s Best?
Morning friend,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about the Kingdom of God. Here are some things I’ve been pondering. As I discern, I see the Kingdom of God consisting of unconditional love, truth, beauty, and justice. Like fireflies of warm summer nights, these elements shine heavenly light in dark places. Like a little yeast that permeates the whole loaf. Or a small mustard seed that grows into a large bush. God tells us that his kingdom is among us and within us as his image bearers. We thrive best when we walk in truth, beauty, unconditional love, and justice. But the darkness is real, powerful, and battles to win.
So, my thoughts are: How do we live in the reality of God’s kingdom rather than in the world’s kingdom which feels louder, stronger, and more powerful?
Your Question A quote from today’s newsletter article has me stumped: “The great struggle in the life of faith is not sin but the good that is not good enough.”
I initiated my separation from my husband in March. While the primary goal was for me to get well and for my kids to be safe, I desperately hoped my husband would wake up to his destructive patterns and repent so our family could be restored. Now here we are, 4 months later in marriage counseling and still separated, and I see little to no change in my husband.
He continues to prioritize his privacy, undervalue me, and speak disrespectfully to me. I don’t know what to do. I’ve prayed for a miracle – for my marriage to be freed from destructive patterns – but I don’t see that happening any time soon. I don’t want to divorce, but there are so few dynamics in our marriage that I want to return to. I don’t want to settle for “good enough,” yet I don’t feel released from our marriage. I don’t know how all this will impact my three young boys.
Answer: The quote you referred to was from Oswald Chambers’ book, “My Utmost For His Highest.” Oswald Chambers concludes his quote by saying, “The good is always the enemy of the best.” This was what Paul was also talking about in Philippians when he prayed, “That your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, willed with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God.” Philippians 1:9,10.
Your question seems to be around discerning what is “best” regarding the future of your marriage. You’ve prayed God would open your husband’s eyes to his destructive ways and so far, it appears nothing is happening. You say you don’t feel released from your marriage yet and you’re anxious how all of this will impact your three young boys. You initiated the separation to get yourself well and your kids to be safe. Has that happened? Are you better off living apart without the drama? Are your kids safer even if your marriage isn’t better or your husband isn’t aware of or admitting to his destructive patterns? If so, isn’t that better than what was before?
For you to be healthy (well), there are certain things that you must come to accept as true. One, you can’t change someone else. Two, it seems that for now, your husband sees no need to change his ways of thinking or his ways of treating both you and the children to have a better relationship. If you accept that as true, what does that mean for you?
So often we get confused because we see so clearly what someone else must do or change to be healthy and for our life to work better. We define what is best (for them). When the other person doesn’t agree or cooperate with our desire for their change, we feel desperate and stuck. We want them to be the way we want them to be. But that is not walking in truth or love. It’s living in fear and demand. The kind of thinking that believes, I can never be okay if you don’t change.
For you to experience God’s best for you, you must learn to love and accept people the way they are, not the way you want them to be. A great example of watching this in action is when Jesus loved the rich young ruler. The man who wanted the perks of following God but did not want to give up his wealth to truly do so. Jesus didn’t beg him or argue with him. He accepted him just as he was, loved him, and let him go (Mark 10:21).
What might be possible if you accepted your husband just the way he is and then wisely evaluated whether you and your children would be safe living with him the way he is? If the answer is no, wouldn’t knowing and accepting that reality be best for all of you? Wouldn’t that be a better alternative than begging, demanding, pleading, or requiring him to be something other than what he is?
I wonder if the ugly reality of divorce is tripping you up because you have a false belief that you can’t ever experience God’s best if you choose that route. A belief that only successful marriages qualify as living in God’s best plan. To accept less means you and your kids fall into plan B, plan C, or plan Z of God’s best.
Friend, it’s true, God values the sanctity of marriage but not more than the people in it. If your husband does not desire to treat you with decency and respect, nor want to create a safe environment to raise children, then what is best here? Can you love him and respectfully let him go be the man he wants to be, accepting that who he wants to be is incompatible with having a loving, safe, family relationship? He may never change, but what do you need to change so that you can live out God’s best for you and your boys?
Friend, how do you let go of what you think is best and allow God to show you what is best for your life right now?
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This post spoke to me in my own situation. My husband and I have been separated for 6 weeks, as he has not done his work after an affair and pornography addiction. Since being out of the house, I realized how emotionally and physically exhausted I was along with chronic stress and gut issues. It’s been a breathe of fresh air to be out. He is continuing to not do the heart work and has taken over 50% of our money out of our savings account and put in his own account. I am at a major time of decision and know it is not healthy for this to continue for myself and my two kids. Thank you for this post, Leslie!
Trust the Lord and the discernment He has given you. Contact a lawyer and maybe a CPA to help you prepare for the inevitable pending battle. Build your support team, including counselors from Leslie Vernick’s team. You can do this with the right network of help.
You’re welcome Laura. Sometimes accepting reality is hard, but once we do, the next right steps become so much clearer.
I have accepted reality but the next right steps seem so unclear. My husband has moved out and I am detaching more and more but the grief, fear, and uncertainty are definitely still hitting me.
Meagan, of course they are. You are human and have very human feelings. I hope you have found a supportive group of women who can help you through your pain.
The idea of being able to respect his decisions or even his worldview is helpful to me. We are separated for a few months now, and he is doing to therapies a d counseling. He’s saying nice things and the hostility (in text as we don’t see face to face), is mostly non existent right now. However, even in the vulnerable things he shares, he still doesn’t take responsibility for the things he has done to me or the children. He’s focused on saying he needs to feel better about himself so that it won’t be necessary to control and manipulate as a coping mechanism. (He used these words.)
I’ve always affirmed that he is lovable and capable of being loved, but when I’ve criticized it has been of actions, not core being or intrinsic value. It’s possible he has not made that distinction, but regardless it shouldn’t be acceptable or justifiable in his mind to control or manipulate. If he can’t own that, I can’t see a way forward, even if he claims he wants healing and restoration.
Perhaps I can respect that this way of thinking is his way and respect his autonomy to continue living in that way. I also need to respect my autonomy to feel safe for myself and the kids and not live under coercive control that he even seemingly admits to. What a timely newsletter today.
In the same situation right here! Although I started separation I did not follow through as it is supposed to be… my husband has this idea that as long we are still legally married I still have to listen to his demands and we are for each other (I am still intimate with him) and it has caused a lot of confusion…. I do not know how to follow through appropriately with the separation. I also do not want to divorce… but it feels like the only escape/way to be freed
Follow Leslie’s counselors. Sign up for a workshop online. Call or text in to one of her free live webinars. You will get a better sense of what is the next right thing to do. After years of failed counseling, I had to wait for my kids to grow up and leave our house, and then, I ‘ran away from home’. It was a traumatic experience, but the LORD provided generously for me during the divorce process and thereafter. He will provide for you too, if you trust him with every step and surround yourself with empathetic Godly friends.
This was exactly my situation, eight years ago. I had to come to the radical acceptance of the truth as Leslie so aptly states here, that my husband was not interested in changing to maintain our marriage, or our family.
I did the hard work of going to counseling for myself for two years before I had the strength to stand on my own 2 feet. I also had to go back to work and get a job. None of this was easy. But I did it, step-by-step. It took time, it took a lot of support, it took a lot of prayer. God has been so faithful in moving me forward. I did get divorced and have been living on my own since then. I have grown so much in my relationship with the Lord and in my own personal health and strength. I have not looked back. I continue to look up!
Acceptance of the truth and radical faith that God‘s got you, is the freedom to move forward.
Thank you for sharing. It’s very validating.
I left my husband after 15 years when I realized that I don’t want to live my elderly years being mistreated and disrespected. He has narcissistic tendencies and he has a lifelong addiction to porn which he will not admit. We divorced once and I remarried him thinking that he stopped porn but my heart knew better but I stayed till our daughters were grown. My question to myself is “why was it okay to allow him to treat me this way”? For some reason, I thought that I didn’t deserve better. Don’t underestimate the stronghold of porn. They are proving that it’s like a drug addiction. Don’t let other’s minimize it. It really is as awful as you can imagine.
I was married to a psychopath for 19 years. When God showed me that my spouse was abusive, I spent about 8 months praying about what to do. Meantime I contacted women’s shelters, counselors & a lawyer. I also went on a couple private retreats, so I could be more objective. Then it was time to decide: stay or leave. It was a difficult decision, because I got hung up on “God hates divorce.” That scripture is often taken out of context, God hates abuse. My spouse broke our marriage covenant by infidelity & by abusing me. If I stayed, I would have enabled my spouse to continue to abuse me, so I chose to leave. He did not have a change of heart, as I hoped. The abuse didn’t stop. Rather, it changed for a time. Now my health has improved, I feel safe, I live in peace, & I am closer to God.
To the lady who asked the initial question, you said you wanted your “kids to be safe” and there was “little to no change” in your spouse. Your kids are now safe, and if you reconcile they will not be. Your husband has no desire to change, so if you reconcile, you can expect the same treatment as before. I think you were wise to separate. If you don’t want to divorce, perhaps you can have a legal separation agreement.
Thank you for this timely post. I just had a session with my counselor to discuss a possible separation from my husband. He has narcissistic behaviors and is threatening to me and constantly yells at me and my daughters. I don’t want divorce, but I do want peace.
No one “wants” divorce. But sometimes it’s the best choice for your safety and sanity.
Ugh. Needed this today. My husband went to rehab last year for his porn addiction (among others) and I was so hopeful real change was coming. He seemed so different when he came out. He was in recovery for a few months until he relapsed. His are cyclical, chronic relapses. He always says he’s for us, wants the marriage and family but he is not living that out in the way he relates to people. That has been the confusing part for me is believing his words, and even his actions show he’s in counseling, attending his meetings, etc but I don’t see the heart change. He is also emotionally abusive and has many narcissistic traits so one day I’m the enemy and the next day I’m his soul mate. We started a therapeutic separation 6+ months ago. It was only meant to last 90 days to give him another chance to establish sobriety and time and space for us to each focus on our own healing and growth. About every 4-5 weeks, this ’90-day clock’ kept getting reset due to slips. I feel stuck between knowing what the right thing to do is and not being able to bring myself to do it. I know it’s not healthy of me to give him countless ‘do-overs’. Every other week, he’ll say all the right things but really he is the one stuck in the same cycle. This is what I needed this morning. Why do I continually expect a different result when he has a pattern of this behavior for the past year. I need to step out in Faith and trust God and accept what the current situation is and surrender my desire to control the outcome that I want for my marriage and my family.
Stephanie, it sounds like he’s not the only one stuck in the repeat patterns. What’s keeping you in hopium when reality is screaming in your face? Words are not enough to rebuild broken trust. Consistent actions over time. I’d encourage you to attend a free workshop I”ll be giving on August 15th, information will be in next week’s blog how to register.
You did the next right thing by leaving him. You do deserve better than your ex has given; you deserve all the good that the Lord has waiting for you!
We must accept they are who they want to be and if that doesn’t line up with what is healthy for ourselves and/or our kids then we must let go. We can love from a distance. Loving someone is not allowing them to continue in destructive ways by enabling. The loving thing to do is to speak truth in love, but also accept the outcome. We are not bad christians for letting go. We are setting boundaries, and not letting another person control our mind and emotions, but following God as He leads us each step of the way. Our children need to see that their mother is strong, she believes and trusts God and that she is the best version of herself she can be. They need to see that she is taking a stand against what is not good behavior so that they don’t get caught up in the same destructive patterns in their own future marriages. #trusthavefaithbestrong
Thank you, Leslie and friends, for what you do. You have helped me in so many ways see reality for what it is and learn to accept it and let go. It’s not been easy, but God has used these last few years to help me grow in my faith and also lead other women to freedom. My divorce was final in November.
Thanks Heather.
Currently living this. My husband and I have been living apart now for a little over a month though I told him on June 1st I wanted a divorce after all of his destructive behaviors had driven me to a point of insanity. He cheated on me before we were married but after we were married it went to drinking, lying, being gone at “work” from 7 am until 9 or 10 pm every day but never having money to show for it, porn addiction, signing up on websites to meet women because he was mad at me and then choosing to start sleeping on the couch even after I would beg for him to come to bed and never following through with the smallest promises. Things had already been rocky but that particular Saturday on June 1st we had listed our home and it was necessary to sell due to financial issues. I had cleaned everything, listed it (I am an agent) set up the showings and packed up the baby and dogs and left the house all day for showings while he was off claiming to be working. It was an extremely stressful day to be gone with two huge dogs and a 1 year old all day with really no where to go but the park or to drive around. I got home around 6:00 pm and he was supposed to be there. He called me at 6:30 and I could he’d been drinking. He said he was on his way home. He didn’t come through the door until midnight and I was livid but this really wasn’t anything new. He then told me he was at a local spot watching his cousin play in a band with more family members and I just broke. Not only was I not worth a phone call that he wasn’t coming home (happens all the time) but I wasn’t worth an invite and this also isn’t the first time he has done this either. I don’t know what totally broke in me that day but something did and I just couldn’t see him the same way anymore. I cried and told him I wanted a divorce. I filed a week later, here we area almost 2 months in and I still haven’t had him served because I keep hoping he will change. Since we have been living separately he hasn’t reached out one time to check on his son or ask to see him. My heart is broken but I am slowly learning through therapy that you really cant force anyone to change. I love him with everything I have in me and I kept thinking that if I just loved him enough he would love me the way I wanted him to but in that process I lost myself.
“When the other person doesn’t agree or cooperate with our desire for their change, we feel desperate and stuck. We want them to be the way we want them to be.”
Before I let go and moved on to getting healing for myself through Conquer, I found the hardest part for me was wanting them to be the way the presented themselves as when I was sucked in. Red flags were there, but VERY hidden, or easy to write off, but that changed when they “secured me”. The crazy cycle of abuse makes it much harder because you will get glimpses of that “other person” and try to hold on to that, until the real person gets revealed so many times that it’s obvious you’re holding on to a fantasy.
I relate to this. For the longest, like 10 years, I believed the “good guy” I got in public and who I dated was the ‘real’ guy but this “bad guy” kept coming out and taking over in destructive ways. I was hyper focused on solving this problem to keep triggers at bay to keep that “bad guy” contained then shifted to getting treatment to heal and grow that wounded person on the inside. Turns out the facade was the “good guy”. His core wasn’t pretty, but the mask he put on sure was.
Thank you Leslie for sharing so much with us. I really appreciate your straight forward honesty with love and scriptural support. I also appreciate that you don’t shame us. We do a great job of shaming ourselves so it is nice that we can be a part of groups of other women that understand and validate one another without “man bashing”.
I hate that I am stuck. I can relate to all of the stories I hear and read. I keep saying to myself that I just need to take one day at a time and work on myself and my relationship with God. One day, this nightmare of confusion will be in the past for good. For now, I just take one step at a time. I have been separated for 3 years! In the words of a friend “How long will it take and what will it take?” I just listened to my friend that day speechless. She was implying that there are times when my H is so unkind to me. At what point will I officially throw in the towel? When I am in a mental place to let go more seriously, he senses it and makes a chess move he knows I can’t resist because it resembles a glimmer of hope or some effort on his part. One day this will all be in past. Until then I keep working on myself and get my head on straight with God.
This was my situation as well. I am two years through a separation and almost one of those in divorce. My daughter and I are thriving. We still cry and feel the pain of a broken family vision but honestly there are not enough tears to justify the greater pain of staying and not living out Gods best for us both- being whole and in a safe environment where we can hear Him. So much of those toxic patterns distract us from being able to truly experience Gods love- and for that I have a bit of regret in staying in my marriage as long as I did. Not that God can’t and didn’t love me where I was- just that I had a distorted view of what that was due to my own personal experience with my marriage “love”. I so badly want to walk in Gods best for me- and to set the example for my daughter that settling for a man who puts his own needs above both of ours? No way. Not anymore. That’s not at all what is best for anyone. Including my ex. I pray that God will open our eyes constantly to the bigger picture here- and help us all receive the mercy, grace and utmost kindness that Jesus so freely gives us. We are His beautiful brides and that is worth every tear and heartbroken vision of a relationship that didn’t work out the way we hoped or tried for. Keep fighting the good fight ladies!!! The best IS yet to come.
I am struggling in a marriage that is very neglectful as opposed to verbally or physically abusive. My husband has always expected things from me, especially sex, but he is unwilling to meet my emotional needs or my requests for nonsexual affection. I am responsible for initiating sex as he says that if I turn him down he can’t handle feeling rejected. His mother is a narcissist and has controlled him for as long as I’ve known him. We’ve been married for 23 years with me having to drum up the will to offer sex when I receive nothing in return. His attempts to talk with me are conversational at best, the kind of water cooler chatter you expect at the office and if I’ve asked him for nonsexual affection, he will walk up to me and rub my shoulders for 30 seconds and then walk away. It is wooden and leaves me feeling worse. My children are 11 and 14 and my 14 year old is fairly disgusted by her father’s behavior and dreads being married someday as she thinks this is what it is like. He does not do anything that I’ve witnessed in other relationships, no dates, no gifts, no cards, no texts or phone calls during the day unless he needs something. Neglect is truly the best word I can use. He has been like this from the beginning but at 20 years old, I thought I could help him become more emotionally available. I have wanted to leave for many years but have always felt like I had no biblical grounds. He provides for our family and is not physically abusive, but I am miserable when I am with him. My children and I have taken trips to visit family in the past without him and it has been some of the sweetest times. I have confronted him about his behavior in the past and he cries and says that he is just like his mother and he will try to behave differently for a few weeks but it just goes back to the old version quickly. I recently stopped offering sex and he has gotten progressively less cooperative and much more snippy with me. Does anyone have experience with this type of relationship and can you offer any suggestions? Is divorce unbiblical in this situation if he refuses to love and cherish me?
Angela, I’m so very sorry for the deep pain and hurt you’re experiencing. You’re dearly loved and cherished by God and he will help you find a way forward! I was in a breathtakingly neglectful marriage for 35 long years and I believe it can be a form of emotional abandonment and abuse –and a breaking of a husband’s marriage promise to care for his wife. Marriage is to be mutual, and reciprocal, and no one is capable of sustaining a marriage single-handedly (neither does God call us to). A plane can’t fly with only one wing and neither can a relationship! My husband finally made it clear he had no desire or intention to ever change and that the way we were living was fine with him. This showed me he had left the marriage (and me) long ago…or never understood the nature of marriage to begin with.
We’re now divorcing. It’s been far from easy and all isn’t resolved, but I’m at peace with God and have seen His goodness to me over and over. Take your time thinking/praying through what you need/want to do. Keep yourself safe in practical ways. If possible, go to a counselor on your own, for your own well-being. Start surrounding yourself with friends who can affirm how valuable you are Keep learning all you can. Pour your heart out to the Lord for wisdom and help. You WILL find your way! Blessings to you, dear one.
I have wanted to call for some time but always find an excuse not to. You have very profound advice that I honour. I struggle everyday. I too have been blamed for all our problems over the years. Which gave my so called husband an excuse to cheat on me, gamble and always point the finger at me. We had been legally separated twice , with me paying him out both times.i allowed him to come back a third time after an 8 year separation. Believing him when he said he will go to counselling and he had changed. I am not the perfect person, I do not fool myself, but my goal was always to repair the hurts and move forward in the marriage. But I am at a point now where I have surrendered him to the Lord . I have not done a good job in being a good human, as I have surrendered him but not loved him. I never thought I could stop loving him but I have separated myself completely from him, I cannot even look at him. He has been living in my house and refuses to leave even though we have been sepearte within my house. When he first came back he agreed that if things didn’t work he would leave no problem, but I finally realize he tells me what I want to hear not the truth of his intentions. I know I need serious counselling, I am a believer. And I know I have to see a lawyer, but something is stopping me, I don’t know if I am just mentally drained ?
Tiziana, what’s stopping you from getting the help you need to make changes? What will it cost you if you don’t?
I absolutely agonized for 2 years on my decision to divorce my husband. But in the end I could not live well with the problems he was bringing into our home and it was escalating to affect my children. He actively pursued alcoholism, multiple drug addictions, pornography and was very verbally abusive towards me. He was fired from his job for being late (due to alcoholism) and left me to deal with the financial ramifications. He refused to seek treatment for addiction or for his severe anxiety and depression and he was always very intensely angry. Our divorce has been final for 1 month now and we have been separated for 6 months. I mourn the loss of my marriage and it has not been an easy road, but it has been a healthier road for me and my children. And I know that I can look my kids in the eye and honestly tell them that I did everything I could to help their dad but in the end he had to help himself and he would not. There is hope, but do not misplace your hope in a fantasy that he will get better when it’s never been demonstrated before. Place it in the truth that the Lord loves you and wants the best for you.