When Survival Takes Over: Breaking the Freeze Response in a Marriage Marked by Anger and Fear
Hello friend,
I hope this summer has given you at least a few real moments of joy, sunshine, and some actual peace. I love those early-morning rays that hit me and somehow make me want to get up with a little more energy and a smile.
Life keeps handing us seasons—some feel light and full of possibility, others are heavy with complications, confusion, and just plain hard days. Most of us are out here doing the best we can with relationships, responsibilities, and challenges while still trying to show up for the people we love. And sometimes we catch ourselves asking, “Why is this so hard for me?” Why can’t I move forward even when I know I want to?”
That’s not a weakness, friends. It’s an invitation to pause and slow down. A chance to notice the ways we’ve adapted to whatever we’ve been living in—and how those adaptations often turn into patterns we’ve been carrying for decades. In those moments, telling ourselves to “try harder” just doesn’t work. The real shift starts when we begin to understand what’s going on underneath: the beliefs we hold, the patterns we learned, and the ways we’ve taught ourselves to stay protected.
This Week’s Question: I have been married for 23 years to a husband who has struggled with intense anger and emotional outbursts. When upset, he may yell, curse, slam doors, pound tables, punch walls, or become destructive. Although he does not always direct his anger at me, I have spent years trying to manage the environment, de-escalate situations, and keep peace for our family. I often believed his anger was caused by outside factors, and I took responsibility for helping him regulate. Over time, I have realized how much this pattern has affected me and our children. His anger, isolation, and lack of consistent change have created an environment where I feel constantly alert. Several of our children struggle with anxiety, depression, and unhealthy ways of handling conflict. My biggest struggle is my freeze response. When someone is angry or yelling, I know logically what I want to do, but my body seems to shut down. I feel flooded, unable to think clearly, and unable to act—even when I know I should intervene or remove my children from the situation. Afterward, I feel guilt and shame because I did not respond the way I wanted to. Anyway, how do I change the trauma response when the trauma is still going on?
Answer: Thank you for asking this. First, I want to say you can learn new ways of responding when your spouse’s behavior gets scary or destructive. It starts with noticing what’s happening, both inside you and around you, as well as, what’s happening for the kids. This awareness is a big step and you’ve already begun to notice.
When you experience a freeze response your nervous system is doing exactly what it was built to do, keep you safe. Your amygdala (a small, almond-shaped brain structure that processes emotions, controls fear responses, and forms emotional memories) remembers and stores the data from every time you’ve felt overwhelmed or frightened and, as a result, your brain stays on high alert. Even when things are relatively calm, a tone of voice, a look, or just the general tension can flip the switch. Your body goes into protection mode- flight, fight, freeze, or that fawning (appeasing him). This occurs before your brain even gets a chance because it’s pattern based, not logic based. It prioritizes speed over accuracy.
In a home that stays volatile, the system never fully recovers the way a gazelle does after the lion leaves. So you stay stuck in one of those modes, and clear thinking or decisive action get really hard.
The path forward is training your nervous system to re-engage quickly so you aren’t trapped in shutdown for such a prolonged stretch of time. This takes continual practice to rewire your response, but it is possible. Here’s a few things that might help:
- When you feel freeze happening, press your feet into the floor, wiggle your toes and fingers, sit or stand a little taller, and look around the room. It tells your nervous system you’re not trapped and you can still move.
- If you can, step away for a minute and breathe deeply, your body tends to hold its breath or go shallow. Softening your jaw or tongue helps too. Those little things keep you from sinking further.
- Bring yourself back to right now by looking and naming what’s around you—details, colors, objects.
- Practice saying to yourself, “This is his emotion. I don’t have to take it on.”When the intensity passes, let your body finish the stress cycle—walk, stretch, shake it out, journal, whatever helps the energy move through.
The aim isn’t to shut off the survival response. It’s to stay present enough that you can still protect yourself and the kids without completely disappearing.
Protecting your children in the moment does not mean undermining their father. Asking for a pause or saying that you will handle the situation can create space for everyone to calm down. You can also move closer to your children, speak gently, or place a hand on their shoulder. These small gestures reassure them that they are not alone and that their feelings are valid. Your grounded and calm presence matters. Over time the kids learn that someone can stay steady even when another person isn’t, that their fear is real and valid, and that safety can return after the intensity. You’re modeling that for them just by working on your own responses. That’s how the shift happens from surviving to actually overcoming!
Although you didn’t ask about this, I wonder if it’s time to have an honest conversation with your spouse about the impact his anger is having on his family. You said you stopped trying to regulate him but he hasn’t yet learned to regulate himself. Being clear with him on the impact gives you an opportunity to see if that matters to him. If not, then you may need to make some additional tough decisions for you and your children’s long-term safety and well-being.
Friend, I’m curious, have you ever had a moment where you knew you needed to act, but your body was pulling you in a completely different direction? What steps did you take to start living in alignment with your noble self?
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I came to realize that as a child, I grew up with a father like the one expressed above. I couldn’t leave his presence as a child. When I became an adult I realized I had developed a pattern of freezing and emotionally shutting down when in an uncomfortable situation. It was freeing for me to realize and practice to remove myself from these situations. I recently was with my brother who responded this way to a disagreement we had and respectfully told him maybe we could take a break and calm down. When he kept raging I said I was going to leave now and he followed me yelling the whole time. I continued to walk away and enter a room and closed the door. It was a painful experience but I felt a healthy strength and freedom to choose to remove myself from the situation.
Thank you for your comment TinaAnn. Realizing your pattern of freeze and shut down is a strong step toward decision making that honors your ability to calm, regulate and decide. I love that your choice to remove yourself allowed you to experience healthy strength and freedom. Coach Diana
I had this situation the other day with a student I was tutoring. I was able to pause and say I was stepping away for a moment when I got injured.
For me, the difference is when the person is a grown man. Your responses are good information, especially if there are young children involved.
This letter could’ve been written by me, except I’m another couple of decades more in a marriage that no longer has children in the home. I’m struggling because things are no longer as volatile partly because there are not so many things in our life that are triggering his anger and partly because I have found my voice and won’t stand for it anymore. My struggle is wondering why I can’t let go of the past and why I’m making a pretty big deal out of each controlling and unkind thing he is still doing. I want to feel safe and loved and feel guilty for not being able to take it in stride better.
Hi Diana – Your experience makes so much sense. When someone has repeatedly been unpredictable, controlling, or unkind, your brain learns to stay on guard. It isn’t holding onto the past because you’re unwilling to forgive—it’s trying to protect you from what it has learned is possible. And when those same patterns still show up, even in smaller ways, they don’t feel “small.” They confirm that the underlying dynamic hasn’t really changed.
Safety is created by the consistent presence of respect, accountability, kindness, and emotional safety over time. If controlling behavior is still there, even subtly, your body has good reason to keep paying attention. I also think it’s worth asking whether you’re making “a pretty big deal” out of each incident—or whether, after years of minimizing your own experience to keep the peace, you’re finally allowing yourself to notice and name behavior that never was okay. Those are two very different things. You deserve to feel safe and loved, not guilty for still needing those things. Coach Diana
Thank you Diana. That’s is very helpful to be told it makes sense. I’ve tried so hard to be forgiving and let the past go. It’s great to be understood.
I could have written this question in the beginning of my marriage. I eventually went to a safe house and he “changed” he seemed repentant was baptized and starting attending church. After 6 months of separation and against the advice of my counsellor, I thought God would want me to go back and so I did (I did not pray about it or seek more wise counsel from friends although my mom was saying how much he had changed and how repentant he was) Anyway it did not take long before I get trapped, although this time his anger was not as intense and I spent years telling myself it was not as bad as it used to be. Now that I am out and with now 2.5 years of counselling and EMDR I realize that he did not need to be as intense, I would freeze and fawn at a sigh or a look he did not need to be full of rage. I do wish that I had found Leslie’s book in the beginning of our marriage. I asked God about that and He told me He needed me to leave, and has made it very clear not to go back. I can see though that some might be able to stay well with the wise counsel. My counsellor figures that my X would have either escalated or left…only God knows and I trust Him and know that He can and is using all that I went through for His good and His glory. Thank you Diana for your response to this woman and for all the coaches. Conquer is great for anyone that hasn’t joined. I have not taken CORE or Empowered2change yet but I hope to in the future,
Angela, I am sorry that you have experienced such unhealthy and unsafe dynamics. You were conditioned early on in your relationship – or should i say your nervous system was conditioned – to fawn for safety even in response to the most subtle cues of anger or displeasure. I think what you’ve shared is such an important insight for others to hear. Many people believe that if the yelling stops or the explosive anger becomes less frequent, they should feel safe again. But our nervous systems don’t work that way.
The absense of explosive and intense anger isn’t the same as the presence of safety. True safety is built through consistent humility, accountability, respect, empathy, and a demonstrated willingness to change over time. Our bodies continue to recognize the underlying dynamic hasn’t really shifted. without those deeper changes. Thank you for sharing you story with honesty. I’m grateful that God has met you in your healing journey and that you’re experiencing increasing clarity, freedom, and hope. Coach Diana
Yes, Angela! I agree that once you have been conditioned, the anger does not need to be very much in order for us to freeze or fawn. Now it doesn’t take very much at all, just a look sometimes.
Yes, I finally left after 40 years!
I recently ended a 20 year marriage 15 years of which had cyclical physical abuse and near constant verbal and emotional abuse. There was also unfaithfulness. Anger depleted the happiness and safety of our home.
I tried to fix it. I tried to get him to help himself. Neither of which I could actually do.
Cyclical patterns of abuse, intermittent reinforcement, betrayal blindness, trauma bounds, gaslighting, attachment issues, poor pastoral counseling (just love him harder….), all the things. All of things were at play.
Of course I know that now. Hindsight is 20/20.
What I didn’t see and I wish I would have was the impact it had on our children. I thought I was shielding them from it all. I was not.
Everyone’s situation is different and complicated. I say this with no judgement only love. If it’s safe to have a conversation where you call it like it is eg: “your anger scares me and the kids” “this is abuse”. Then that may be enough of a jolt. However if it is not safe then making plans to get safe matter.
There are lots of books and resources out there many low to no cost that can help make a plan. I must have listened to 20 on audible before I took steps. Lundy Bancrofts book on should I stay or should I go helped me live in reality.
I learned I’m not responsible for another persons emotions or work. They are. I am responsible for me and my children’s well being. Standards and boundaries aren’t being mean. They are healthy.
I didn’t want to walk on eggshells forever. It took me a long time to see “this isn’t love. I’m not being treated the way I deserve.”
You have the strength to make changes. Not in him but in you and your set of circumstances. You do. You can do it.
I wish you wisdom, strength, and peace sister.
Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and compassion Sally. One thing that stood out to me was your comment about your children. So many moms believe they’re protecting their children by shielding them from the worst of it, but children are incredibly perceptive. They may not see or hear everything, but they often absorb the fear, tension, and unpredictability in the home. Your also mentioned something important – Healing begins when survivors stop carrying responsiblity for someone else’s choices and begin stewarding what God has actually entrusted to us, focusing our own well-being and the well-being of our children. Thank you for offering truth and hope to others. Coach Diana
I recently ended a 20 year marriage 15 years of which had cyclical physical abuse and near constant verbal and emotional abuse. There was also unfaithfulness. Anger depleted the happiness and safety of our home.
I tried to fix it. I tried to get him to help himself. Neither of which I could actually do.
Cyclical patterns of abuse, intermittent reinforcement, betrayal blindness, trauma bounds, gaslighting, attachment issues, poor pastoral counseling (just love him harder….), all the things. All of things were at play.
Of course I know that now. Hindsight is 20/20.
What I didn’t see and I wish I would have was the impact it had on our children. I thought I was shielding them from it all. I was not.
Everyone’s situation is different and complicated. I say this with no judgement only love. If it’s safe to have a conversation where you call it like it is eg: “your anger scares me and the kids” “this is abuse”. Then that may be enough of a jolt. However if it is not safe then making plans to get safe matter.
There are lots of books and resources out there many low to no cost that can help make a plan. I must have listened to 20 on audible before I took steps. Lundy Bancrofts book on should I stay or should I go helped me live in reality.
I learned I’m not responsible for another persons emotions or work. They are. I am responsible for me and my children’s well being. Standards and boundaries aren’t being mean. They are healthy.
I didn’t want to walk on eggshells forever. It took me a long time to see “this isn’t love. I’m not being treated the way I deserve.”
You have the strength to make changes. Not in him but in you and your set of circumstances. You do. You can do it.
I wish you wisdom, strength, and peace sister.
You know what?! I’m tired. This is my second rodeo. The first one was 25 years, this one 21. I read book after book, listened to podcasts, took counselling, journalled, asked questions, tried and tried and tried. What did the husbands do? Nothing. What did their friends and pastors do or read or learn? Nothing. I learned it was not my fault, but still, it all ends up on my shoulders to do something. To save myself somehow. I’m old and trapped.
Where are those ‘Christian’ men who strut around calling themselves servant leaders, protectors, head-of-the house providers? The moment you hold them accountable, they dump you, cut you off, and do whatever they can to get you to grovel and turn your children against you. Any help I’ve gotten has been from other women. I do much appreciate that, but it’s not enough. If the men in the church don’t step up and hold each other accountable, women will keep leaving the church.
Connie – As I read your comments, my heart hurts for what you’ve endured. What stands out most is your exhaustion—not just from two difficult marriages, but from carrying the burden of trying to fix what was never yours to fix. Yes, the responsiblity often falls on the person who has experienced the harm while the destructive person fails to do the hard work of ownership, accountabilty and change. Thank you for putting words to what so many women have experienced. Coach Diana
This original post was mine. I’m honored you answered my questions. I am working hard at speaking the truth in love and not allowing the anger outbursts to go unchecked without me saying something. A year ago I confronted him with the reality of the abusive nature of his behavior, and told him that if he did not get help or have accountability, I’d have to ask him to leave until he was working on those things. He responded with what appeared to be humility – admitting he’d done wrong (although he never apologized to me), and made some attempts to make amends (agreeing with the sinfulness of his behavior, asking most of our kids for forgiveness, and admitting his wrongs, and taking parenting classes with me), but little by little his anger is creeping in again. And when I sense it or hear it, I’m thrown back again emotionally. He has not gotten individual help and he is not seeking accountability. I have seen him make a lot of progress (much less blowing up) this past year, but in the past couple of months there has been an escalation of the yelling behaviors especially towards our kids when he’s frustrated. Our sons (especially my 16 year old) copy my their dad’s yelling and cursing when they are upset. I know I need to do something and have talked to my husband about the escalation, but he has not done much more than acknowledge that it’s been happening. This past week he had an ugly episode of yelling at our boys when he was angry with them for not moving fast enough to turn their electronics in, and did not apologize to me or the boys (who were the target of his ire). I have noticed a sharp uptick in emotional upheaval in my five younger kids (ages 18, 16, 13, 10 , and 8) since his behaviors are beginning to escalate again. It is overwhelming for me to handle everyone’s huge emotions especially when everything in me wants to run and not stop or to freeze.