Breaking Free: Are You Really a Magnet for Abusive Men?
Dear Beloved Reader,
As a coach here on Leslie’s team, my heart is to cultivate a space where every woman in our community feels seen, supported, and equipped for growth. Recently, we received a question from one of you that caused me to press pause and raise my hand to answer it. Why? Because of how deeply it speaks to the experiences of so many women. She shared:
Question: I recently saw a list of characteristics—possibly on your blog—that might make women a target for abuse. The question may have been, ‘Am I a magnet to abusive men?’ I related to many of the traits and wanted to share them with my counselor as something to work on, but I can’t seem to find the list again. Could you help me?
Thank you for being a helpful presence during these difficult times.
LeAnne’s Response: Dear sister, let’s explore this together with curiosity and grace, knowing that God desires healing and wholeness for all of us. At the start of each year, many of us spend a great deal of time and energy reflecting, and reclaiming.
Friend, your words embody the kind of courage and curiosity that lead to real change. And as I thought about and prayed through your question, I am aware that this isn’t just your story—it’s a question many of us wrestle with when we’re trying to make sense of hurtful relationships.
Today, let’s revisit that topic, not just to provide a list as you mentioned, but to offer tools and insights that can empower you and every woman in this community. Together, we’ll explore how to discern patterns, protect your heart, and walk confidently in the worth God has given you. Let’s dive in.
Reframing the Question
Are You a Magnet for Abuse?
The word “magnet” can feel heavy and self-blaming. Abuse is always the responsibility of the person choosing to harm—it’s not something you attract or deserve. Instead, let’s ask: Are there patterns, beliefs, or traits in my life that might make me more vulnerable to staying in unhealthy or abusive relationships?
Some of these “traits” might sound familiar. The good news is, many of them are rooted in strengths like compassion, empathy, and a desire for peace. When paired with strong boundaries, these qualities can be part of what makes you a resilient, thriving woman.
Traits to Consider
- Empathy: Feeling others’ pain and wanting to help, even at your own expense.
- Reframe: Your empathy is a beautiful gift. When paired with boundaries, it allows you to care for others without losing yourself.
- Conflict Avoidance: Seeking peace and harmony, sometimes at the cost of your own needs or safety.
- Reframe: Conflict can be a pathway to clarity and deeper connection when approached wisely.
- Struggles with Self-Worth: Doubting your value may lead to tolerating mistreatment.
- Reframe: God says you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Your worth isn’t defined by how others treat you.
- Over-Accommodating: Giving and giving, believing it’s selfish to prioritize your own needs.
- Reframe: Prioritizing yourself is an act of stewardship. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
- Minimizing Problems: Downplaying red flags to avoid facing difficult truths.
- Reframe: Honesty about a problem is the first step toward resolving it.
- Fear of Being Alone: The fear of rejection or abandonment might keep you in relationships that aren’t safe.
- Reframe: God promises to never leave or forsake you. You are never truly alone (Deuteronomy 31:6).
- Focusing on Potential Over Reality: Seeing who someone could be, even when their current behavior is harmful.
- Reframe: Love sees the present clearly while praying for the future wisely.
- Struggles with Boundaries: Saying “no” feels uncomfortable, so you often let others take more than they should.
- Reframe: Boundaries protect your heart and reflect the value God has placed in you.
Navigating Grey Areas
Relationships often have moments of tension or conflict that can be hard to interpret. Understanding the “grey areas” can help you discern patterns. For example:
Scenario: Your spouse gets upset and says, “You never do anything right. I don’t even know why I bother.”
Key Question to Ask Yourself:
- Is this a one-time reaction in a moment of stress, or is it a pattern of belittling behavior?
Healthy Frustration: A one-time occurrence with a follow-up apology: “I’m sorry I said that. I was overwhelmed, and I didn’t mean it.”
Verbal Abuse: A recurring pattern of belittling comments meant to demean or control.
If it’s recurring, name the behavior and set clear expectations. Here are some ways to address it:
- Directly Name the Behavior: “When you speak to me like that, it’s hurtful. I need respectful communication if we’re going to continue this conversation.”
- Express the Impact: “I feel diminished when you say things like that. It’s not okay, and I need us to communicate in a way that builds trust and respect.”
- Set a Boundary: “If this kind of language continues, I’ll need to step away until we can speak respectfully to one another.”
- Clarify Expectations: “I won’t accept being spoken to in a way that tears me down. I value healthy communication and need that in our relationship.”
Stay calm: Your tone matters. A calm response reinforces your boundary.
Follow through: If the behavior persists, take action, like stepping away or seeking help.
Seek support: For ongoing issues, involve a counselor, support group, coach, or trusted mentor to help navigate the situation.
By clearly naming the behavior and calmly stating your needs, you create space for healthier communication while protecting your emotional well-being.
Steps You Can Take Right Now
You don’t have to wait for everything to feel “fixed” to start moving forward. Here are a few small but powerful steps you can take today:
- Notice Your Feelings: Pay attention to how you feel around others.
- Set One Small Boundary: Start with something simple, like saying, “I need a little time before I can give you an answer.” Boundaries are like muscles—they get stronger with use.
- Journal About Patterns: What drew you in? What kept you there? What do you want to do differently moving forward?
- Lean Into God’s Truth: Your worth isn’t defined by how others treat you. God says you are loved, chosen, and enough. Dive into His word and discover your God-given worth and value.
Final Encouragement
Sisters, If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Many women have walked this road and found freedom, healing, and strength in Christ. You can too. Healing and growth take time, but each small step you take matters.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and God is with you in every step, every question, and every moment of growth. You are not defined by your past or the patterns you’ve noticed. Instead, as Ephesians 2:10 reminds us:
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.”
God sees you as His masterpiece, created with love and purpose. I believe in the incredible strength God is cultivating in you. Keep going—you’re worth it.
Have you ever struggled with setting a boundary in a relationship? What’s one small step you could take this week to honor your heart and invite God’s wisdom into the process?
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Very helpful, especially the “ reframing “ suggestions!
When you answer YES, this is a long-term, ongoing pattern to “Is this a one-time reaction in a moment of stress, or is it a pattern of belittling behavior?”
The suggestion is: “ If it’s recurring, name the behavior and set clear expectations“
My question: When you are in a relationship where being heard just never occurs, no matter how “ perfectly” you try to communicate, then what?
I can name the problematic behaviors to myself, but my husband is not interested in talking with me, only AT me. He isn’t interested in my needs, much less in hearing any “clear expectations “ I might want to express. I have no emotional safety in the relationship, although I have provided it abundantly to my husband.
He expresses a desire to go back in time, when his wants mattered and my needs didn’t.
The difference is: I no longer see that as an acceptable, much less desirable, relationship dynamic.
Does this leave me at a hard stop, especially when the Follow Through steps have no benefit in the relationship ( although detaching emotionally and physically has helped me stay sane)?
I feel that I have been utilizing the “ Additional Steps”, and they do help me with clarity, but in spite of years of effort ( many decades of marriage, but the concept of boundaries and my self worth have only made it into my brain recently!) I have seen no positive change or growth in the marriage. As we know…no one can be more than 50% of a marriage.
Maybe this is redundant, and all that’s left is to continue to work on my own growth and health, continuing to set boundaries where I can, live in my CORE values, and work toward greater autonomy.
Should I just accept that where there is no mutuality, reciprocity, and individual freedom; no true communication; no personal responsibility for actions, effects, and consequences from both people : there can be no true relationship at all?
A boundary I am setting for myself this week is to take more responsibility, be more proactive in planning for my financial future. While ideally this would be a joint effort, I don’t have that option; I have come to realize that planning and managing my finances, long-term, is both my responsibility and my right.
Praying for your journey to self awareness and coming closer to Jesus. I came to the decision of divorce. I stayed in my marriage for decades, because I was waiting for change. I did learn change was happening, but I was changing, my ex was stuck, and still stuck. It was definitely the hardest decision of my life. God orchestrated the plan. I just had to have a plan to leave healthy. Was it pretty? No it was messy! Was it easy, no, it was crazy. It’s been a year. A year at looking back, healing from the death of our marriage. Now I look back in the marriage and see all I contributed to, when I didn’t have boundaries and didn’t understand manipulation.
I sought the Lord in journaling, and lots of deep breathing and waiting on the answer of the question, “Do I stay or do I go?” This has to be only from yourself. To “stay” well or “leave ” well. Not revenge, but to be healthy in mind and body. The truth of the reality of my situation were at times, paralyzing. Seeking the Lord and trusting Him, completely has been the answer. God has continued this journey of healing. I don’t isolate myself anymore. Reading the word, books, group support and seeking the Lord has been what sustains my decision. I have grown. This is my story. I encourage you to seek the Lord. Then trust the Lord in your decision. He will give you peace, when you ask the hard questions and be still to hear His voice. This takes time and practice.
I mourned the reality of my marriage. This is grief and takes time to process.Then God helped me decide. It was hard, the Lord is my strength and my relationship with Him is definitely what I needed and need. If anything, I have gotten closer to Him. Still on this journey. Continuing to learn and grow. Grateful for Leslie and the CORE, counseling.This was a great step in the right direction. When we are aware. Not sure if this was helpful. I sure don’t have all the answers. I pray as I write this that you will find peace and strength in the Lord. God gives grace to the humble and opposes the proud. This has been a humbling truth for me.
This is my story too, Ellen. Trusting Jesus and obeying Him was the Key to my deliverance out of Egypt with plunder! Praise God! But it was hard and scary. Jesus assured me that He was with me every single step of the way and still is as I live an abundant life in Him.
Such a breath of fresh air is your assurance in Christ! Thank you for sharing.🌻
Your share is held with so much love. Your healing journey will inspire many. Thank you for sharing here. 🌻
my story is similar to yours. God will reveal what you need to do in His time. Keep trusting him for each right next step. Remember, you cannot change another person but you can change how you respond to their behavior. Boundaries are key and I’ve had to learn them. I enabled bad behavior for years because I allowed them without speaking up for myself. No more! I am free! My divorce was final in Nov 2023. It’s not been easy, but my home is peaceful and I am enjoying life and my teenagers without walking on eggshells. God is so good!
Ellen, I am in a similar situation- on the brink of deciding the next step. We have been separated (3X) for months now.
Do you have any regrets about the decision you made? I ask only because my biggest fear is that I will make a decision and regret it down the road. “What if he changes after it’s too late?” I am also easily “wowed” by the simplest acts he does to follow-through right now.
The what-ifs fears all come to mind. I know fear is not from the Lord. So…..here within is my dilemma.
Blessings to you!
The difference is: I no longer see that as an acceptable, much less desirable, relationship dynamic! Love this!
Awareness is powerful, life changing and humbling. Thank you for sharing your experience. Stay tuned. I will answer more questions in my next blog post coming in February! Let’s keep the conversations going. Thank you for sharing your experiences. We are stronger together!
Coach LeAnne 🌻
Friend,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can hear your battle cry for change. I was craving for a relationship in my marriage…a relationship that reflected Jesus. I was married at 21 and I know I am no where near the person I am now at 49. I prayed a prayer that a girlfriend suggested, “God, if this is no longer your best, please show me and please take it.” It took several weeks for me to pray this, but once I did, God vividly answered, “Take up the cross and follow me.” I had finished reading the Bible this same year. It was the hardest decision to leave. Yet, my eyes were open to the truth of what I had been living in.
My best advice is to lean in to the Lord. Read 1, 2, 3, John. I could see clearly the relationship I was in. I was seeking God and believing in His Word, yet, there was so much uncertainty as to who I was. I also didn’t understand the depth of how much God loved me and how much I could depend on him. I now know my divorce was my greatest rescue from God. YOU are never alone! His promises to protect, provide, and restore your soul WILL happen over HIS perfect timing. Surround yourself with safe people who will pray with you and walk with you and disciple you. I began therapy and also went to Biblical Counseling through my church. Leaning on God for HIS direction and discernment did not come easy. I made plenty of mistakes along the way…yet, by HIS Grace, Mercy, and endless Love, I am a living breathing testimony of HIS great Rescue. I have recently found this platform. I’m so grateful to Leslie and her team for providing knowledge on this topic.
Should I just accept that where there is no mutuality, reciprocity, and individual freedom; no true communication; no personal responsibility for actions, effects, and consequences from both people : there can be no true relationship at all?
Yes, you have to accept that this is an unsafe relationship. You are not free to be yourself in this type of relationship. God will set you free. You have to make the decision yourself, but God will guide you and He will never leave you or forsake you. He will work all things out for good for those that love Him. Start getting your finances in order. When you go to the store get cash back and put it away if you need to get some that way for a nest egg. Focus on taking care of you. You have given so much to him that he hasn’t recriprocated, so now it’s time to take care of you. Trust the process even though you don’t know what that will look like.
Living in Grace… I So resonate with you! Thank you for sharing what you are doing and what…if anything is being done on their part to address or work toward any resolutions!! I have been separated 1 1/2 years and i told him i would give him the gift of time but…this is getting ridiculous!! I told him… I cannot go back to where we were so he knows change needs yo happen.
It’s tough!!!
Thanks, Celine!
I don’t know how much time to give, either.
My plan now is to be very aware of what is happening, and to use my time and resources on my own behalf ( instead of always deferring to H’s wants and fears).
I truly feel that I have clearly and kindly communicated what a healthy relationship is, and the changes that need to happen for trust to begin to be rebuilt.
I guess I’ve tried to interpret H’s “ no, I’m not interested in growth or change, or in being responsible for my own actions “ as “ maybe he’ll finally see the light”; or when he does some basic or small task to help me, as him “ trying to be better”. But no number of chores done, makes up for the deep heart wounds and relational damage.
One way I think of it: those deep hurts are like being stabbed in the back. I can’t remove the knives, or take care of those wounds in my back; that has to come from him. And he just keeps saying, “ no, I’m not interested “ and denying his actions and responsibilities. Instead, he blames me for his behavior. But I didn’t stab myself in the back, over and over.
So I guess that’s my answer….just not the answer I had hoped for and worked so hard to bring about.
Then again…we don’t have power over someone else’s actions, thoughts, or feelings, so there is an absolute limit on what we can do…we can’t be more than 50% of a relationship no matter how hard we try.
Maybe we’ve done enough.
Your story so resonates with me. It’s a heartbreaking journey to pour yourself into someone and to have them refuse to accept responsibility and engage in growth. For my own story, I had to stop deferring to the potential I saw in them and focus instead on how they were actually showing up…repeatedly…despite my calm and heart felt discussions trying to initiate repair and growth for our relationship. It’s a bitter pill to swallow and takes time to wrap your mind and heart around the truth. Praying for your clarity and discernment as to what to do and how to do it.
Healthy people live in reality. Even when it’s hard. We can do hard things, together. Thank you for sharing your heart. I see you. I hear you. I feel you. 🌻
Denise, thank you for helping to clarify things for me.
“stop deferring to the potential I saw in them and focus instead on how they were actually showing up…repeatedly”… that’s it, in a nutshell!
Leanne, “ caring for our wellbeing “ is a wonderful theme.
I was definitely raised in the mantra of “ always put others before yourself “… but I now turn my focus to the image of “ put your own oxygen mask on first”.
Leticia, Ellen, and Julie,
Thank you so much for your supportive words, and prayers!
I’m not sure why, but accepting reality is one of the hardest things right now, maybe because of all the years, and energy, invested. But if not now, I guess….then when?
I am so sorry for what you have been walking through. The knives are destructive and damaging. It is so challenging and oftentimes heartbreaking to believe the behavior. Caring for our wellbeing in the process is our work to do. Sending love 💕 teach of us this day and always.
My husband just said last night several times that I should have married someone else. I am hopeful that we as believers can change with God’s help. He believes he is who he is. His identity is in doctrines and in strict marital roles. I want to be Spirit-controlled and self-controlled, not controlled by him.
His comments would have crushed me a few months back, but as I have been regaining my identity in the Lord, I am able to not take responsibility or guilt for what is his work to do. I am able to identify patterns and speak truth and set boundaries while staying mostly calm. 😉 Leslie’s concept of strengthening our core to stay sane has been so life-giving.
This isn’t easy but doable one moment at a time with Jesus. God, help us all this day to find our worth and hope and light and life in You. Pour out your wise love into our hearts. Thank You for Your joy and rejoicing over each struggling sister.
Such a beautiful declaration- “I want to be Spirit-controlled and self-controlled, not controlled by him.” Thank you for declaring that publicly with each of us here in this space.
There is so much strength in the room of our hearts as we stand shoulder to shoulder and witness one another’s journey. Thank you!
I believe that God gave me a dream recently. My husband was playing chess, and he was very intent on the game. He was expecting me to play, but I wasn’t into it. I believe that God was showing me that his whole idea of relationship was like a chess game. He has to win. Not only that, but I have to lose. He is silent because he is not only always planning his next (destructive to me) move, but he is trying to anticipate what I am thinking. He has no concept (and doesn’t want to know) that I think win-win. So in my thinking, I would not only ask him nicely what his next move is, but what he wants mine to be. That is insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results). This dream has helped me so much.
Later, I took a boundaries course where they said, “You don’t ask the lake why it would drown you. You already know it would. You just put on a life jacket.”
I also learned that the woman who invented the game Monopoly originally had two sets of rules. The other was called, “Prosperity” and it was cooperating with each other and helping each other succeed. She wanted people to learn that that was the better way to live. The company that bought her rights threw out the Prosperity rules.
Gods word, our salvation in Christ Jesus is indeed life changing and life preserving. Thank you for sharing.
Connie, I would offer the thought that what we are doing here…lifting each other up…is the true meaning of “ prosperity “. Blessings to you!
Beautiful and helpful post. The book, ‘Safe People’ elaborates on this topic. It was written by the same team as the Boundaries books. I have been involved in several abusive relationships, in both work and personal settings. i have been through a divorce, and I want to learn from my experiences for future relationships.
I am grateful for this post. I meet all of those “traits” listed above, and have been working hard on myself for the past few years both in 12 step codependency groups and in biblical counseling. I think my biggest struggle is with feeling confused (possibly dwelling in the land of potential – and denial) by what appear to be – and may be- genuine attempts by my husband to make things better. He has a porn addiction (has our entire 26 year relationship), has frequent angry flares – mostly yelling repeatedly at the kids and complaining no one listens to him, even when he’s angry with me, and he’s done a lot of checking out emotionally and physically when it comes to parenting. All of this isolating himself and spewing anger has damaged his relationship with me and our children, although we all love him. We all have fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses to his outbursts, and several of our young adult children have been diagnosed with anxiety and depressive disorders. When I’ve confronted him on all of this and followed through on my boundary of not allowing the kids or I to stay in the room if he’s yelling, he seems so understanding and openly acknowledges he has been wrong. He’s cried and apologized to the kids for not being a good father, He sometimes apologizes for his behavior even without confrontation. He can be fun to be around and is very handy, and he is the sole breadwinner. He will do nice things for me like make me coffee or ask how I’m feeling, and he’s throttled back on what used to be several times a week of yelling (but still erupts when he’s mad) BUT he hasn’t gotten any outside help even though I’ve repeatedly asked him to. In fact he’s quit three different counseling situations in the past year because he feels he can’t trust anyone. He agreed once again to get help for his porn addiction including a full therapeutic disclosure because we’ve been living like roommates (my boundary for safety). This was a month ago and there’s been no movement on his part to find help. As I type all of this my heart is sinking. We have 9 children and I am a stay at home homeschooling mom. It’s hard to know what to do when I want so badly to make things work and he seems to be trying as well but just isn’t doing everything needed.
I would like to comment. I am fairly new at all this language about being loved back to the same degree you show love, and to the possibility that everything I say or do is not wrong in some way. I feel trapped like a caged animal in my own house, even when he is not here, I am afraid he might decide to come back home. So I am always stressed, uneasy, and waiting for a
Loud door slam or loud voice.
I have tried to leave but he cuts off all access to any of his funds “which laughably he calls ours” I just not allowed to know the account numbers or access them in any way. The one account I can access he has left $11 in it for months!
He is always pulling me in with some promise about change, and he has changed some; but to relax and trust he won’t lose his temper is a long way away. He acts like if he says God convicted me of something then I should completely forgive him and take down all my boundaries and act like life is perfect. I’m sorry I know this is all too much… I just thought I would try speaking to see how it felt.
Hi Kellye,
Just wanted you to know…it’s never “ too much”…and YOU are never “ too much”, “ too sensitive “, or anything else negative that someone might throw at you.
You are a valuable person, worthy of respect, love, and care!
I’ve learned so much from the women here ( flyingfreenow.com is great too). There is a lot of wisdom and support to draw from…I would encourage you to keep reading, and sharing if you feel like it.
It’s taken me a long time ( years, really!) to understand what boundaries mean, what my basic rights as a human are ( surprise! Same as everyone else’s!), to understand that forgiveness does not require reconciliation, and to start …really…living in reality.
Be patient with yourself, and remember that giving yourself empathy and compassion is what God wants you to do, as He is loving and compassionate toward you.
I’d like to share some advice a therapist gave me, when I said I’d like to ask a lawyer about what my financial position might be in a divorce:
Do you have access to an Employee Assistance Plan ( EAP)? If you are covered under insurance ( either through your husband’s job, or if you have a job, or through a government program) you may have access to free legal consultations. I think it’s a federal law that any request for assistance, medical or legal, is covered under privacy laws…meaning, even if the insurance is through your husband, he doesn’t have any access to your records. I’m not a lawyer, and I don’t know if all states have the same laws, but it might be worth looking into.
I’m planning on making an appointment with a lawyer soon…I’ll report back what I learn!
Another option would be to call a confidential domestic abuse hotline, to see if they could refer you to free legal counsel.
As Heather mentioned, there are sometimes ways you can set aside some money for yourself, even if only a little at a time. If you safely can, it would be good to set up a separate bank account for yourself ( at a different bank from where your husband banks or current accounts are); maybe with a relative or friend as a co-owner.
If you have no access to your finances ( and they ARE yours, too, morally, and usually legally; even if your husband says they are all his!) , that is very concerning, and sounds like a potentially problematic situation.
Please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, and if you have kids, for their sakes, too.
Blessings, hugs, and prayers for a peaceful day❤️