A Letter to Church Leaders About Emotional Abuse
Morning friend,
I just finished speaking at the 2025 Restore Conference that was held to talk about church harm. It was incredible, and I thought that perhaps for this week, I would gift you with a letter I wrote a while back on behalf of a dear sister. She was being harmed by her church who told her she could not serve there any longer because she was divorcing her abusive husband. The victim got punished because she wasn’t more longsuffering in allowing herself or her children to continue to be emotionally battered and manipulated and chose divorce. Feel free to use this letter to your church or pastor if you need to.
Dear Pastor or Religious Leader,
I’d like to share a bit with you explaining a Biblical perspective on the impact of verbal/emotional abuse on a person/marriage.
1. Emotional/verbal abuse is real, and its impact is spoken about throughout Scripture. Those who profess to be Christians are told to be slow to anger, to watch their tongue, to not allow any abusive speech come out of their mouth. Why? Because it damages people and relationships. Here is a sample of what God says.
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- Reckless words pierce like a sword (Proverbs 12:18)
- Life and death is in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21)
- Your insults have broken my heart, and I am in despair. (Psalm 69:20)
- The words of the wicked are like a murderous ambush (Proverbs 12:6)
- With their words the godless destroy their friends (Proverbs 11:9)
- Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. (Proverbs 15:4)
- Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth. (Ephesians 4:29)
- You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say…..The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you. Matthew 12:34,37)
- A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart. (Luke 6:45)
- If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself and your religion is worthless (James 1:26)
- And so blessings and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely my brother and sisters, this is not right. (James 3:10)
2. Safety and trust are God’s plan for marriage and family life. How do you feel safe or trust someone if they repeatedly use words to manipulate, malign, deceive, and control you? The safety and trust of marriage, which is foundational to the well-being of the people/children in the relationship is broken and cannot be repaired when abuse continues. See Proverbs 31:11,12 and Matthew 18:15-17
3. Patterns of abuse (including verbal/emotional abuse), addictions and adultery are NOT marriage problems. They CAUSE marriage problems. Before the marriage or relationship can be repaired, the person who has shown the pattern of breaking trust, using abusive words or actions to demean and control his or her spouse, must do his own inner work of self-reflection, repentance, and change. If not, the sin pattern repeats itself and continues to cause harm and break trust and safety in the family.
4. Jesus is clear that when someone refuses to repent of serious sin, the relationship changes. It changes from brother and sister relationship (implying safety and trust) to a polite stranger acquaintance – using the terms pagan and tax collector (implying no safety and no trust, yet still being respectful and kind). Jesus tells us to love our enemies, but he doesn’t ask a person to live with his or her enemy; kiss him or be sexually intimate with him (which is what a marriage involves). You don’t trust or feel safe with an enemy, precisely because he or she has harmed you, even if you are called to Biblically love him/her. (Matthew 18:15-17)
5. Two unhealthy people cannot create a healthy relationship. One unhealthy person can still cause damage and harm in the relationship, especially when they wield more power physically, economically, spiritually. (Proverbs 21:9). As believers we must wrestle with the question: Does keeping the marriage together glorify God when it continues to be toxic and harmful to individuals in that family structure? How does this represent Christ and his church? Does God value the sanctity of marriage more than the individuals in that marriage & family? I don’t believe that to be true.
Marriage was made for humans, not humans for marriage, just as the Sabbath was made for mankind, not mankind for the Sabbath (Mark 2:27). Jesus taught that God did not value legalistic Sabbath keeping above the safety of even animals. (See Luke 14:5 Jesus teaching on the legalism of the Sabbath to see that even saving an ox from danger was important. Breaking the Sabbath to help the ox was good not a violation of God’s law). All children need at least one healthy parent to grow up, learn and not repeat the sins of the parents into the next generation.
6. Biblical love never enables sin to flourish by staying silent. It is not a noble sacrifice nor a biblical one, to sacrifice one’s well-being, safety or sanity to willingly allow the other to continue to sin against them without protest or consequences. If a wife is to be a true biblical helpmate, then she is called to expose her husband’s patterns of darkness (Ephesians 5:11) speak the truth in love, (Ephesians 4:15, Hebrews 3:13) and bring it before the church if he refuses to repent so that his sin does not continue to damage her, their children, their marriage, and deform him (Matthew 18). If he continues to be unrepentant, then separation is warranted. Peter talks about suffering for doing what is right. A woman who exposes her husband’s sin, may suffer, but it is for doing what is right not enabling him to continue to cause harm to her, the children, the body of Christ and his own soul (1 Peter 3:17).
7. There are real consequences to repeated sin, even in marriage. Some consequences are permanent (Galatians 6:7-9). If you drive drunk or distracted and hit a child and he dies, it doesn’t matter how repentant you are, the child is still dead. When someone grievously sins against his or her spouse, the loss of trust and safety can be a permanent consequence of sin. (If someone you once trusted, molested your child, you might forgive him or her, but you would never allow him access to your child again. This is not unbiblical, this is wise.)
8. When the abused spouse refuses to lie or pretend to keep up the image of an intact marriage, she is living as God calls her to, in truth. Church leaders who pressure her into reconciliation or label her as hard hearted, are not seeing clearly. She is called to practice Biblical self-stewardship by guarding her heart above all else, (Proverbs 4:23). She guards herself against her spouses cruelty and abuse, so that she herself doesn’t become overcome with evil and grow toxic with resentment, fear or bitterness (Romans 12:21). It is not biblical to be spiritually commanded to live with someone you don’t trust, feel afraid of and who has repeatedly harmed you. That describes a prisoner of war, not a biblical or God honoring marriage.
9. Repentance comes from a change of heart which results in a change of actions. When no change of actions come forth, genuine repentance is suspect. (See Jesus teaching in Matthew 7:15-20).
I would welcome any questions or an opportunity to do more instruction to your organization on these matters. You may also find helpful information for yourself from my book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage as well as from my website leslievernick.com
In Christ,
Leslie Vernick
Formerly Licensed therapist, relationship coach, author and speaker
www.leslievernick.com
Want to send this letter to your own pastor or other leader from your own email address? My team has made it easy for you to do so. Simply click this link.
Friend, when the church causes you more harm, how do you still stay connected to Jesus, the source of your hope and help?
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I removed myself from my church after the pastor shamed me for refusing my husband’s (child molesting) sister continued access to our children. I still believe Jesus is trustworthy but I’m reevaluating almost everything else!
So good, Leslie. How have the responses from church leaders been? Also, I started listening to Julie Roys. I believe Christ is rising up His true church and I avail myself to His use as He sees fit.
This is very good, and I wish it was available 14 years ago along with the numerous other helpful resources now available to recognize and untangle from abusive marriages and counsel in the church. I am on the other side now and have been so blessed by God in my journey. I have peace. I appreciate those who continue to write, coach, and blog to raise awareness, share truth, and support those going through the turmoil of raising children in emotionally abusive marriages with poor, misguiding counsel from church leaders and members. Thank you.
This is a gift to us, the victims. And, much needed in the body of Christ, especially, the “Church”. THANK YOU!
Having been mislead by Bill Gothard back in 1990, as a 31 year old woman and an almost 2 year old new believer, I returned to an EDM and remained there for almost 30 years. I even stopped going to church for 13 years, because of the weight of feeling like a failure in my marriage. I was back in church two months and had been separated for six years when my husband passed away in Nov, 2020. I was shocked when I felt strong grief after his passing. I finally began getting answers about four years ago, then found LV about three years ago. What a difference truth and sound Biblical principles make in the life of a believer! This letter is excellent. Thank you for sharing it.
I have found the main effect, for me, of emotional abuse to be self-gaslighting. These bullet points are a wonderful resource to negate that! Thank you!
Me too! You said that perfectly!
Thank you so much for standing in the middle of abused wives and church leaders. This is a wonderful letter. It has been a rough road for me and I can attest that these words are true because the abuse I suffer has had a detrimental effect on my own behavior. My marriage has corrupted me, left me hopeless, and caused so much confusion that I can not even make decisions. I can not believe that this is what God wants to happen to a woman inside her marriage. Why would He ever want us to become a lowly sinner just to stay married to someone. Thanks to you Leslie I have learned that God does hate divorce, but He hates what my husband is doing more. And He values me more than he values my marital status. Thank you Leslie!
Nothing happens when I click the link to forward the letter. Am I missing something?
Eve I sent your comment over to tech support. It should be fixed later today. Sorry about that.
it’s also not working for me
I’m sorry, Kim – the next best thing would be to copy and paste it into your email.
Hi Eve! It’s working on my end, and I can’t find any issue with it. Do you have an email app installed on the device you’re using?
Eve you may just need to cut and paste into your own word document. Most people did not have a problem with the link, but some others did.
Thank you for truth, when so many want to put marriage on an untouchable pedestal, allowing evil to continue and forgetting the humans involved.
The emotional abuse and trauma from my former church took a different form than what is described, but to address your question….I was ‘somehow’ able to not equate the church’s actions with my relationship with Jesus. In fact, I knew He would be sorrowful regarding their actions, so Jesus actually became my safe place and source of strength during that time.
I had to leave my church in 2023 because it merged with the church that didn’t support my divorce in 2007. It was a very painful decision because my adult son had joined me there in person, and we were on the worship team together. I had gained back my relationship with Jesus after years of feeling condemned for not reconciling, and in one year of attending, I’m again questioning my faith, depressed, low self esteem, torn, alone and without a good church again.
I’m so glad you touch on this reality Leslie, because I feel like I’m all alone in my experience, and it’s nice to see it valided.
Thanks so very much for posting this. I’m grateful to say I was on staff with a pastor who I assisted in pastoral counceling and who provided a safe haven and wise counsel for women struggling in manipulative and abusive, marriages. Some of those had been hurt, and I would say, even abused, by other churches over the issue of separation/divorce. So grateful that God is giving better understanding of true biblical principles around these issues.
Leslie,
Thank you for your choice to stand in truth. I am honored to coach with you and share this sacred space.
God values marriage (Genesis 2:24), but He values people more. If a marriage becomes a place of abuse, oppression, or insanity, God is far more concerned about the safety, sanity, and spiritual well-being of His child than keeping them in a destructive relationship.
Colossians 3:19 (NLT) – “Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.”
I am so grateful for this blog!
Marriage is sacred, it is never intended to be a place of harm, oppression, or emotional, spiritual, or physical destruction.
A healthy marriage reflects Christ—marked by love, sacrifice, and mutual care. A marriage filled with emotional abuse, power and control, or spiritual coercion is a distortion of God’s design. In such cases, God’s priority is healing and justice, not endurance at all costs.
Coach LeAnne Parsons 🌻
First, I cannot thank you enough for this work you have done and continue to share. It has completely changed the direction of my life and the lives of my daughters, which remains of utmost importance in my choice to continue fighting for divorce after 2.5 years (and counting). I wish this letter would be sent to every single church!
Studying your work and praying gave me the conviction to stand up firmly and quickly against a former pastor to whom I had initially reached out for help. I sought out a different pastor who was instantly supportive and have since left that church as they continue to allow my abuser to attend without consequences for his behavior.
The more I read and listened to your materials, the more I understood and sought out God’s truth for myself and I am ever grateful for His protection, provision, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love. From the Protection From Abuse order that was supposed to last for 10 days, but was extended to almost 2.5 years due to his continued violations and criminal charges, to my army of friends and family that have surrounded me with love and support, Jesus has made His presence known so clearly that it’s simply undeniable.
I feel the judgment from specifically men in our congregation.
I filed for divorce last month after 21 years of verbal and emotional abuse. We probably would have suffered longer had it not been for my 3 daughters telling me how they feel, and seeing them close down and hide in their rooms when my husband was around.
The men who confronted me said there is always hope and a chance for miracles- I should stay separated but not divorce. One of these men so far as to say it would look bad on me to initiate divorce. Mind you- these men have no idea what my daughters and I have gone through, and lack empathy. They simply want to control people with their self-righteous opinions and encourage people to stay together for face-value.
I reached out to a Messianic Jewish scholar for more clarity on divorce/remarriage (he is fluent in Hebrew and Aramaic). He gave me some eye-opening wisdom. Divorce is 100% necessary for the victim in an abusive marriage. The more confusing issue is with divorce and remarriage among Christians. Needless-to-say, Malachi 2:16 has been grossly misused and distorted to keep women subject to men’s abusive behavior.
To all of you ladies who are in the same boat, Yahweh has a purpose through the mess, and we need each other for support. Keep trusted friends close in your life. You cannot do this alone. Leslie, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be healing right now with my 3 precious teenage daughters. You are such a blessing, and I am spreading your name like a wildfire. Blessing to you and your ministry.💚
Thank you, Leslie, for the light you shine on this seemingly epidemic in marriages today. Your wisdom and counsel have led me to safety, freedom and rediscovering who I am in Christ. When “double abuse” occurs through the church and others because of their unbelief and apathy toward the victim, it can send us spiraling to even deeper sadness and confusion. For me, one of the hardest parts of coming out of an abusive marriage is the smear campaign and those who choose to believe the abusers lies. We’ve already been abused enough and endured for decades the cruelty of someone who is supposed to love and protect us, then to have others side with evil is gut wrenching. The destruction they cause amongst family and friends is devastating. Thank you Leslie for all you do.
“GOSSIP” and Ladies Bible Studies
I was unequally yoked and attended an ultra legalistic SBC church during the time I was raising my young children as a married but “Single at Church” wife.
The church was largely homeschooler families (while myself and my children were made to feel second -class because they attended public school.)
My (now X) insisted that I work outside the home to support his reckless spending. He was financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually abusive and I allowed it because I was trying to be “submissive”.
The SBC pastor encouraged congregants to attend the Bill Gothard seminars, which I did more than once.
This brought so much damage to me by twisting the scriptures! There are countless women who eventually escaped abusive marriages, yet because of this unbiblical teaching, are now heartbroken to see the bad fruit in their adult children and their marriages passed to their grandchildren.
Many Covert abusers are pastors and are very clever. They preach that sharing damaging behavior going on at home was “gossip” to muzzle women from exposing the abuse.
I would attend Ladies Bible Study desperately needing to share the covert abuse I was suffering, yet was discouraged from talking about it and hushed time and again . I was encouraged to read more books about being submissive, pray for my husband, and study my bible more.
To uncover sinful behavior is not GOSSIP. It is speaking the Truth.
Unfortunately , this becomes Generational.
My children never witnessed a healthy mutual marriage and these patterns are now being repeated in my adult children.
I am a prayer warrior and have been for decades.
As far as I know, Praying for the generation after me is my main weapon now. It is the only thing that gives me Hope for my children and grandchildren.
I didn’t read Leslie’s books until my children were nearly raised and their dad’s intentional and covert parental alienation had already been firmly set.
Carmen,
Bill Gothard had a negative impact on me, as well. Like you, I’m also witnessing the negative effects in my children and grandchildren. Prayer is a great weapon, to be sure! My husband alienated our son against me in the few years prior to his death in 2020. Since Dec, 2020, my son will not have contact with me. He ignores my calls and texts. And he won’t discuss what has happened to cause this, though he certainly accused me of several things. There are some things a parent should not say to a child, even if the child is an adult. I’m believing God gor healing and restoration in our families. Best wishes, sister!
Leslie,
Thank you so much for this letter to the church leaders
Here in Texas. much needed for Pastors counseling with no proper training, knowledge of Scripture application , putting women in their place as rebellious.
God bless your work to bring about change for God’s glory to be seen .
Kathy, I’m speaking to the Christian Counselors of Texas this weekend on this very topic. Pastors probably won’t be here, but at least the licensed professionals who are here will learn hopefully some new things.
When referencing “the Church”, what church do you mean? All Christian denominations? Biblical churches? Evangelical? Which one specifically is THE church?
Meg, I wrote it to church leaders and pastors. You can send it or use it for whoever might fit that description for you. It is not denominational but my guess is that the more conservative and fundamental denominations might be more likely to overlook emotional abuse as a valid reason for marriages separating or ending.
Leslie,
Thank you so much for this letter to church leaders and for being a voice for women in destructive marriages. I was fading away as I tried to survive the gaslighting and belittling in my marriage. By the time I met a woman at church who understood the kind of marriage I was in, I was starting to completely unravel. Your podcast and book, along with this new friend, gave me language to understand my confusion, self-doubt, and isolation. When I eventually moved toward divorce, support was mixed by pastoral staff at my large church. I was asked to step down from one leadership role but invited to step into others. Instead of support, there was more confusion. It was devastating after faithfully serving there for 15 years. Even my Christian counselor of ten years didn’t understand my marriage. I am pleased to say that I received an apology from the pastor who suspended (and then restored) my leadership role and even an apology from my counselor after she attended some continuing education. I don’t believe anyone intended to hurt me. They didn’t understand destructive marriages any better than I did. But that lack of knowledge causes a great deal of harm. And when harm is caused, by our church family, where we should expect care and comfort during a life crisis, it is especially devastating. That you for this tool to enlighten leaders and, hopefully, spare other women from additional emotional pain.
What a tremendous letter! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with us! This will be so helpful in advocating for women impacted by emotional abuse!
Thank you for this letter. It will be very helpful as a brief introduction for many, and hopefully open doors to true understanding. May this be a seed planted, that spiritual eyes and ears be opened, hearts softened to respond well and be humble and teachable. I pray that pastors and people helpers become good reflections of the Lord and will network together to see the hurting healed and restored. Thank you for leading the way, Leslie!
Thank you Leslie for this letter! The timing of it arriving in my email inbox yesterday morning was an absolute answer to prayer for me! I recently separated from a 27 year marriage because of ongoing emotional and verbal abuse (among other things). Unfortunately some of my now adult children do not understand or see why I separated and are not supportive, especially my daughters. It is so heartbreaking because they more than anyone else should know. I stayed too long and our dysfunctional family became normal to them. They say “even though it was unhealthy at least we had an intact family”. I can only continue to pray and do my work to heal and become healthy. But I was praying for a better way to communicate my feelings and experience, especially after another difficult conversation with my daughter (who believes I don’t have a correct biblical understanding of suffering), the previous day. This letter says it so well and I have shared it with many people, including my children, and will be sending it to my pastors. Leslie, you have been such an instrumental part of my healing journey! Thank you. From reading your “Emotionally Destructive Relationship” book, than the marriage
version, over 10 years ago, to doing two years of Conquer, and two of your coaching groups, your work and ministry have brought me so much truth and healing! I tried so hard to stay well and more than anything didn’t want leave because I didn’t have resources and my children were young. I asked my husband to leave many times but he always refused. It took me a long time but I finally became strong enough to leave. I believe the Lord called me to separate a long time ago and I didn’t. I was afraid, didn’t have support and hadn’t worked outside the home in over 20 years. God is so faithful and He was with me every step. I reached a breaking point this past year on all levels and the Lord opened a door for me to leave. However because I stayed in the destructive marriage so long my children have all suffered greatly. My 20 y/o son has been struggling with mental health and drug addiction issues, in and out of jail and psychiatric hospitals and so much more. I believe because he (along with my other children) are victims of complex trauma. My biggest regret is I didn’t leave sooner and perhaps avoided some of these heartbreaking situations, and my daughters not supporting me. We all have stories and my prayer is my story can help other women avoid some of the heartbreak I have experienced. I am graduating from a one year online program as a Functional Medicine Health Coach next week and although I don’t know my next step, I know God does! Thank you Leslie, and all your coaching team for all you have done to help me! May God bless you and your ministry as you continue to bless and help other woman!