Beliefs That Will Mess Up Your Life

Morning friend,

Thanks for your prayers this week. My mom died on Saturday and her service is today (August 31) and burial is tomorrow. Appreciate your continued prayers for my father as he makes this transition. Because of family obligations, I have not had the time to respond to a question this week. Instead, I’m going to ask you to answer a question. Below are ten beliefs that people have that cause unnecessary suffering.


Ten Beliefs that Mess Up Your Life


1. Life should be fair.
2. Hard is bad.
3. I should be able to have my cake and eat it too.
4. It’s all my fault.
5. It’s never my fault.
6. I can control the outcome.
7. If I wait, the problem will go away.
8. My choices only affect me.
9. I can’t do it.
10. I don’t need God.


Friend, How and when did you recognize these beliefs as lies, and what did you do next? Is there one or two in particular that have caused you unnecessary suffering?


  1. N.Marie on September 1, 2021 at 7:13 am

    Dear Leslie,
    You are in my prayers. So very sorry for your loss and for this difficult time.

  2. Margaret Machlan on September 1, 2021 at 1:31 pm

    Dear Leslie, I’m so sorry for your loss. And Thank You for sharing your story of the renewal of your relationship with your mother, which followed the destructive relationship your endured. Thank You for building a ministry for the benefit of so many. I refer my clients to your works many times. Blessings — today and all ways!

    • Leslie Vernick on September 2, 2021 at 9:37 am

      Thanks Margaret, my biological mother died about 19 years ago and we did reconcile before she passed. This mother that died recently was my step-mom but she was like a mom to me.

  3. Josephine C. Viscomi on September 1, 2021 at 10:15 pm

    Leslie, I am very sorry to hear about your loss with regards to your mother. I will pray for you. God bless and be well

    • Leslie Vernick on September 2, 2021 at 9:46 am

      Thank you

  4. on September 1, 2021 at 10:25 pm

    Yes There are a couple on the list I have often thought of number 4 & number 9 in particular? So sorry to hear about your mom praying all will be well with your dad!🙏🏻🙏🏻💖

  5. Lisa Kim McCaleb on September 2, 2021 at 12:42 am

    Leslie, My deepest most heart felt condolences on the passing of your mom, and prayers for you and your family, especially your dad, during this time of transition. May the Lord surround him, enveloping him in God’s peace that passes understanding, warm memories of your mom, and may the Lord supply all his needs for support, comfort, guidance, hope, peace, assitance… and meet his needs above what we could dare to dream, hope, or imagine… according to HIS glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
    Know that you and your dad will be prayed for oftern during this time.
    As for your question… I would say the most prevalent lie for me has to do with being overwhelmed with suffering, when there appear to be no solutions… to the point that the “I can’t do this” lie rears it’s ugly head. I realize that when I get overwhelmed I can do a brain dump, prioritize and eat the elephant, so to speak, one bite at time, but when the “I can’t do this” lie is attached to trauma, grief, and loss without much relief… it snowballs, and I find I would rather hide my head, and my emotions in the sand like an ostrich than face one more thing. That said, avoiding what is overwhelming to the point that I want to buy into the “I can’t do this lie”… does not help, though taking a temporary healthy breathier might better serve than flat out avoiding… Or talking to a friend, or praying or any number of healthier options, hopefully will be chosen instead… I could also take a lessen from how children handle things to overwhelming… They cry, talk then they say… “I want to go play.” to give themselves a healthy break, so they can regroup and grieve some more later… I went for bike ride to take a healthy break and will regroup tomorrow. Bless you and God comfort you in your loss. “Yall will be in my prayers. Kim

  6. Elisabeth Sukkot on September 2, 2021 at 12:43 am

    The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace
    Peace ELisabeth

    • Leslie Vernick on September 2, 2021 at 9:47 am

      Thank you.

  7. Elle on September 2, 2021 at 10:55 am

    Leslie may the Lord comfort you & family during this difficult time. We continue to pray for ya’ll.

    I use to think that if I prayed & fasted enough I would have a great marriage but then as time went on i realised that was a lie. It take God, a husband & wife for a marriage to work.

    When my marriage didn’t work out I thought I was dying, It just felt like “I can’t do it”. I thought we were gonna grow, raise a family & serve God together but it turned out he did’nt want the same.

    I was depressed, lost weight, felt lonely & hopeless until I accepted that my expectations were not met but its ok. I decided to learn from it, take care of myself & grow as a person. God has been very good to me, I am in my journey of healing from a toxic relationship. Just knowing that He will never leave me keeps me going everyday.

    • Pauline on September 4, 2021 at 1:16 pm

      I so relate to your story. Happy you’re healing n thriving sister. The Lord does not break a bruised Reed and extinguish a smoldering wick but in His faithfulness, He fans it back to flames. Glory to God! In the same journey as well and it is well!!

  8. graceiscome on September 2, 2021 at 4:58 pm

    Thank you, Leslie. Love to you and your family. Thank you for posting this during this time.

  9. Denise S. on September 5, 2021 at 11:39 am

    I’m so very sorry for the passing of your Mom. Please except my deepest condolences and prayer the Our Good Lord will comfort you and that dear memories will sooth the pain of death to your heart.
    Denise S.

    • Leslie Vernick on September 7, 2021 at 3:22 pm

      Thank you.

  10. Vida Hayes Jackson on September 9, 2021 at 7:43 am

    Leslie, I have one to add to your list; a belief that will mess up your life…..”This is not happening to me”.
    And my most sincerest condolences to you and your family at the loss of your mom.

  11. Lois on September 13, 2021 at 10:34 am

    Dear Leslie, I am so sorry for all the difficulties you have been going through recently as you came along side your dear step mom in her last days. You lived above the reality of:
    #1 lie… “Life is not fair” and yet you have shown us you can conquer as you went
    through these difficulties in your relationships(your mom and now loosing your step mom)
    #2 lie… “Hard is Bad” as you share your hardships, we too can grow through difficulties with loss. I too lost my precious parents & beloved m-in-law in 2018. The hardship made me hold onto our Lord’s Righteous Right hand [Isaiah 41:9b-14] daily. So the bad did work out for good…it was a valley of the shadow of death, literally, but what God brought me to… He brought me through…
    #3 lie… “Eating that Cake” I am waking up that the financial difficulties and not having
    everything I hoped to have while homeschooling was a good thing… people said our kids are not spoiled… that is a good thing… You got to have a step mom who became that mother figure for you after all…
    #4 lie…”It’s ‘not’ all my fault”… Thank you for clarity to let us realize our destructive
    relationships are responsible for their actions and we can own our choices of who we will become. We can grow godly through the “Bad, unfairness in having very little from these difficult/destructive people.”
    #5 lie…”It’s never my fault”… Yes, now we get to see where we may be adding fuel to
    the fire. Your Book, “How to Act Right When My Spouse Acts Wrong” is inspiring.
    #6 lie…”I Can Control the Outcome”… It is actually a good thing that we can’t, but
    better to keep trusting in Him Who has control. It is good to take our focus on what we can control… like use boundaries to guard our hearts, and control our thoughts of what God says is true (not believe in the narcissistic put downs and negativities).
    #7 lie… “If I wait…” So many of us have been stuck, and now we are leaning the tools
    to step away from the “hooks these crazy making people” seem to use automatically to trip us up… Well, no more… we can stop the dance, with practice.
    #8 lie…”My Choices only affect me.” It is good to know that getting healthy can mean we have a better opportunity to help others and there may be a door for the destructive person to see, well, that they are destructive… but that is God’s job.
    #9 lie…”I can’t do it.” Without all the wonderful Scriptures that do encourage us and they do… perhaps in one sense it is OK to tell God we can’t on our own, but to reach out to Him and growing friends and books which helps us learn “How to Guard our Heart”, “How to use Boundaries”, “How to Get our Courage On”, “How to Use our CORE”…etc. We learn then… we actually CAN! 🙂
    #10 lie… “I Don’t Need God.” Perhaps when we finally address all of the above lies,
    we will finally come to a point to know that in Him is our Freedom and Fulfillment. In Him is our HOPE, Psalm 42. And no matter what we have or lack, we can still exalt(jump for joy) because we finally know Him Habakkuk 3:17-19 and it is He who makes our feet like hinds’ feet.

    • Leslie Vernick on September 15, 2021 at 10:31 pm

      Thanks for your encouraging comments.

  12. Linda on September 28, 2021 at 9:51 am

    I immensely need and appreciste your ministry

  13. June Ann on September 16, 2022 at 10:07 am

    Leslie I am so sorry for the passing of your mom!
    Please know that I will be praying for you, your dad and your family.
    Thank you for letting The Lord use you in such a powerful way! You and your team have helped me more than you can ever know!

Leave a Comment

Ask Your Question

Have a blog question you'd like to submit?

Read More

Help! My daughter-in-law hates me

For those who regularly look for my Monday update, please accept my apologies. I’m on vacation and don’t have easy access to a wireless system to update my blog. Today was my earliest opportunity. Q. My daughter-in-law was offended by something I did (I’m not even sure what it was) while she was dating my…


What’s the Difference Between a Difficult, Disappointing and Destructive Marriage?

Morning friends, Sheesh, I can’t believe Tuesday snuck up on me already. We had such a terrific response to our webinar and subsequent videos, The Three Lies Women Believe that Keep them Stuck, Afraid and Miserable. If you’re interested in joining our six month coaching program starting in January, you can get more information by…


Thriving Not Surviving [Guest Post]

Morning friends, I’m up at our cabin, being nana this week, but I have a treat for you. I’ve asked my friend Gary Thomas to guest post for me today from his newest book When To Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People. I love hearing a pastor’s voice and heart validate the horrible effects…