Anger Has A Short Term Purpose
Morning friends,
Thanks for your prayers. I am up at my summer cabin now doing Nana Camp for a week with three of the most amazing grandchildren. We are doing lots of art projects, outdoor fun and the weather couldn’t be nicer. It’s a great place for some rejuvenation.
Today’s question a reader asks: After 47 years of marriage it has only been a few months since my eyes have been opened to realize he has been abusing and controlling me. For so long I felt crazy. But now it seems I am SO angry and bitter. I know this isn't right but can't seem to move past it. What do I need to do?
Answer: I’m so glad you don’t want to stay in that angry and bitter place too much longer. It’s a normal place to land once you see more clearly that you’ve been abused and controlled by someone for years who told you that you were making a big deal out of nothing. But I also imagine that you’re feeling a little angry towards your own self for allowing it and being blind to what was going on all these years. You may also be feeling some anger towards the typical Christian teaching that has put Christian women in a role to follow rather than helping and equipping her to be a full image bearer as a person.
That said, anger can be used in a good way and it can be used in a destructive way. The energy anger gives us motivates us to take some action. However sometimes in our anger, our action steps can be self-serving and harmful towards our self and others. That’s why the apostle Paul warns us that in our anger, do not sin. (Ephesians 4:26). But your anger can motivate you to take action in healthy and constructive ways, so I wouldn’t be too anxious to get rid of all of it.
1. Your anger can motivate you to stop being so compliant at home and start to speak up for yourself. What I mean by this is sometimes when we get angry, we speak up, but not for ourselves, but against someone else. We lose our temper, we accuse, we attack, we blame, we shame. That reinforces the abuser’s mindset that you are the problem and depending on how you do it, that you are unstable. Instead, use your anger to speak up for yourself. “I don’t like that.” Or “No, I don’t want to do that.” Or “That’s not okay with me.” This may not make a bit of difference to your husband, but when you start to stand up for yourself it will make a huge difference in you. Now you no longer allow yourself to be controlled, even as he tries to guilt trip you or bully you into giving in. You start to build an identity as a person and not just a wife who is to comply or submit. You start to have an “I” which is important towards moving towards your “who”. Who does God want me to become as I grow through this trial?
2. Your anger can help you start to do your own work. As you discover your “I”, and build a stronger sense of personhood, you will begin to set some boundaries. “This is what I will do. This is what I won’t do. This is what I’m responsible for. This is what I’m not responsible for. This is what I am to steward. This is what I’m not responsible to steward.” This is all important information for you because as you’ve been controlled for these 47 years you have not been allowed to think for yourself. Thinking for yourself is your adult responsibility. That does not mean we don’t listen to other’s feedback or advice, but ultimately, you are responsible for your own thought life. Who is to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ? (2 Corinthians 10:5) You are. Who is to guard your heart above all else, for it is the well-spring of life? (Proverbs 4:23). You are. Who is to renew your mind with God’s word so that you will be transformed? (Romans 12:2). You are. Sometimes when we live with a controlling and abusive person, we become flat-lined and apathetic. There is no energy inside of us because we aren’t even allowed to think about our own needs/wants/goals or desires. As you’ve woken up, your anger can help you remember, you do not want to slide back into passive apathy. That is toxic to you.
3. Your anger in the short term can help you stay firm in your resolve that things have to change in the dynamics with your spouse. He’s not going to like the new you, He’s used to having someone who is an easy target to bully and control. Short term your anger can help you stay firm and not back down. But long term, you don’t want to have to STAY angry in order to have good boundaries and a healthy sense of self.
So your question was how do you move past it? Remember, your anger has a purpose. It’s alerting you that something is wrong and needs to change. [Tweet “You can’t change him, but you must change you.”] You have to get safe, sane (clear thinking and feeling) and strong. Your anger can motivate you to take positive direction in stewarding your own life from this day forward. And part of that self-stewardship is letting go of the bitterness that unresolved anger and resentment has built up in your spirit, and your body.
But here is one reason why women especially find it hard to let it go. It’s because anger is the only way they know to be strong. When they’re angry, then they can stay firm on their boundaries and not cave into the pleading or whining of someone else. When they’re angry, they aren’t as easily controlled. When they’re angry other people tend to not demand things of them than when they are kind and empathetic. Therefore, your work is to build other internal muscles of strength, fortitude, wisdom, confidence, and truth that can help you stand firm without needing to hang on to your anger.
When a woman in a destructive marriage stops acting angry, sometimes her husband thinks, “Everything is fine. She’s back to normal” When in reality it isn’t fine. Nothing has changed. That’s why it’s imperative that you grow to use your words and actions not your anger to communicate, “things are not fine and our relationship is destructive towards me and that’s not okay with me.” And then be able to hold your boundaries if he starts to argue, plead or even threaten. Healthy people who are loving and kind have good boundaries so that they don’t feel walked on or taken advantage of all the time. They know how to have them, keep them, and don’t get bullied or intimidated by others to do what they don’t want to do. They don’t need their anger to communicate those things, they know how to do it with words, and take the appropriate action if the other gets disrespectful or ugly.
Anger towards your own self for allowing this for so long might also be a challenge to let go of. We get so disappointed with ourselves that we aren’t better than we are. Stronger than we are. Healthier than we are. But we’re not. [Tweet “We’re just where we are and if we can accept that without resentment, we can let our self-hatred go.”] I don’t know why it took 47 years for your eyes to be opened, but instead of being angry at yourself or God that it took that long, perhaps another way of looking at it is that now you are strong enough to see it, and take healthy action to get safe, sane and strong. And just maybe as you take your own steps towards getting healthier, your husband will be curious about your newfound strength and want to move towards greater health himself. And if not, you will know what your next steps are and be strong enough to take them.
Friend, when you’re filled with anger and resentment towards something or someone, how have you learned to let it go?
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Imagine having no angry feelings at all. I was zombie faced, emotionless and silent like a shell shocked prisoner of war who just escaped a torture chamber. That has been my response to decades of abuse. I don’t get angry. I forget how to feel that feeling. So, be thankful you can still feel.
Moon Beam, Perhaps you need a safe place to begin to allow yourself to feel and safely express those feelings. Bottling them up really takes a toll on you both emotionally and physically, not to mention spiritually. You would do well to find a counselor who you are comfortable with and work on this. You will enjoy the feeling of freedom once you work through this.
.My husband of 27 stopped speaking to me about 2 years ago. I’m taking so long to heal for all this hurt. I believe its because we still share the same space. He is bitter and angry towards me, yet I still want his approval and do things for him to notice. How do I detach from him emotionally?
Sandra, u am very sorry for what you are going through. It seems you are struggling with denial. Your husband is clearly showing you he is no longer interested in you. That hurts. You need to ask him if he wants to be married to you or not.
If he wants you in his life he will need to make some changes. As he is not loving you well. If he indicates that the marriage is over, sadly, you need to accept that and build a different life.
I hear you saying you want him to love you. You can’t force a person to do that. I would suggest a formal separation. That will either call his bluff and provide consequences or it will reveal the truth to you. I think you know the truth, but you just don’t want to accept it. The truth may be very painful, but you disrespect yourself by living a lie. It’s time for professional counseling.
Thank you Free.
I never saw it from the perspective that I want him to love me. I thought I was just processing the pain.
That part about me disrespecting myself by living a lie hit home. No one ever told me that before. And its so true.
I eventually became thankful for the silent treatment he was giving me because that mean no more verbal abuse, but I was wondering what next to do.
Thank you for letting me see things differently.
Sandra Gonzales,
The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Many abusers try different tactics for control and to see your response. It’s confusing and exhausting. Their relational skills are very ‘low level’ so they won’t know how to interact in a healthy way with another without trying to be superior in the dynamic. It can feel very much like toddler-Ville.
I’m sorry you are going through this but Free is correct that it’s time for professional counseling. The fact that he can live in this environment with this dynamic should tell you how unhealthy (he) is and your next step is to get help and clarity for yourself.
Thank you Aly. These responses are very helpful.
Glad you are receiving such good wisdom here. Your husband has his own issues to face, but I’m glad you are facing yours and realizing that you do not need to continue to live this way anymore. Take some new steps towards building your own life and emotional well-being. As you stop waiting for him to change, and you start to change, that may give your husband the motivation to work on himself too, or it may not. That part you have no control over. But stop living in limbo, waiting for him to change and decide what your next right step forward is.
Agreed, thanks Free.
Yes. I have been not only waiting for him to change, but
also waiting to see God punishment upon his life for what he did to me, but I know now that was because I was hurting so much.
Leslie thank you for taking the time to read my comment and the responses. In the multitude of counsel there is wisdom.
As Free says, you can’t force someone to love you. And please don’t stay in denial; you deserve better. I feel sorry for what you are going through. God loves you. Do not do things for his approval. I think you need a formal separation & I believe that will get his attention. You deserve respect. Start by first respecting yourself. As a Christian counselor told me several years ago “females are like butterflies. We are to be chased by members of the opposite sex. They are to be pursuing us.” Never let them catch you. God bless you as you look to him for strength and guidance.
Loretta Barbour thank you 💓
And part of that self-stewardship is letting go of the bitterness that unresolved anger and resentment has built up in your spirit, and your body.
Ok…how???
The earlier comment said about staying angry as a way to have boundaries and keep boundaries in place but I’m just angry because I feel like I’ve been used , lied to, kicked around, and taking an advantage of and I’m tired of it and it’s not getting better… i’ve been a caretaker since I was 21 and it dealt with multiple family members, including a child born without a hearing nerve, spouse with over 50% hearing loss, not related to the child loss of hearing, a parent with a stroke, one with open heart surgery, father-in-law who had the same surgeon perform open heart surgery on him… and those are just kind of the highlights in the last 25 years
I’ve also had a really bad run of really awful Christian counselors that I will say white washed termite covered walls, in Jesus name,
Oh, I grew up in the church, went to Christian school, worked for two Christian schools and then my husband did 10 years on staff at a church before being fired when he finally put up boundaries. Funny I lost my job at one of the Christian schools well, I was downsized when I put a boundaries too.
While my washed in the blood, born again, revival following father and manipulated our relationship which led to us not talking and me putting up a boundary and the expectation that he fixed the relationship that he broke between us a year ago, and he chose not to because him and The Newest wife who’s going to school to be a Christian counselor and are the power couple of their church “the pastor that married them after less than a year, with no Christian counseling iand this being their third and fourth marriage between them“, while she tells me most mental health can be solved 95% of the time you just get your relationship right with Jesus. Did I mention I’m the second step family that has stopped talking to her and her own family just started talking to her again after 10-15 years, her Christian family. But don’t worry about it guys they’re on the prayer team and give my dad another year to end up being a deacon or an elder in the church. He tithes enough in every church and they make him one if not the treasure….. I’ve watched three churches do it in two different states.
Christians have a solid record with my dad and yes, that’s different denominations and coverings.
So yeah, I’m freaking furious and I’m angry and this has nothing to do about boundaries. This has to do with people mistreating, miss using, abusing and doing horrible awful things to me and the people I love and not giving a crap. Actually, when I’ve worked for a Christian organization usually the phrase its God‘s will has come out. Too bad God forgot to tell me that’s not even my answer. That’s one of my co-teachers when God forgot to tell her his will too when they totally changed her life.
The customer service people that lied to my face and doctors that act like God and expect you to believe every word they say and yet don’t care to treat you like a person. a doctor this week. Said I’ve eight minutes to see you and your son. My kids been struggling to breathe when he’s running for cross country for two years and I get eight minutes. I spent longer trying to get to a stupid operator to make the stupid appointment, I had to be there 15 minutes before them appointment…. or the fact that with counselors if I cancel 24 hours before because I have Covid and don’t want to show up to their office and get people sick they’re going to charge me $75 for La late cancel but if they canceled two hours before on me it’s fine.
it’s mental health places that you have to have an active suicidal plan to get help or you have to be actively suicidal as well as have a second condition such as an addiction to qualify for a case manager, a support manager or anything like that and it’s the people I love being told that they’re not suicidal enough to get help because their plan isn’t an active one…..I just don’t want to live isn’t enough and I thought the mental health system was garbage for my students.
So furious I’m angry and I’m mad and I’m spiteful and revengeful. I don’t want to be treated like a person and a human being and that’s what I want for my family and when I watch them not get treated that way it makes me boil. It makes me understand the guy that’s shot The CEO of the health insurance because I bet most Americans have at least one horror story if not multiples about insurance company treating them like garbage except that is normal just like they used to except slavery is normal or women being treated a second class citizens is normal, or eight-year-olds working in mines everything‘s normal till it’s not.
And then everyone tells me report abuse but why if I do, it’s not like anybody’s there to help with it or help solve anything…. Then the Church fired my husband and he went for Support to try to get a new job all the programs that say they’re available or there to help are garbage he had to be able to tell them exactly what job he wanted and he said I don’t know and he had to ask to do a career test and that test gave him 100 jobs and he said what jobs are available in our area and nobody could tell you. What jobs are hiring in our area? I’m now qualified based on this test for these hundred jobs how do I narrow it down and there was no good answer and actually there are good answers but nobody has time and may I tell you that was before everything was cut in January.
He was fired from a church 3000 shouldn’t there have been some amazing male support shouldn’t Jesus and God have stepped in and put it on somebody’s heart to have reached out and been there? That’s why I’m angry. That’s why I’m bitter. I’ve been raised to believe that At Church and Christian will be there now. You won’t be there to pray for me just garbage. My LGBTQ plus student needs math help. What do you think yet? Is that Student any different than being a divorced woman and a 70s or 80s? For women couldn’t teach Sunday school they might contaminate children heaven forbid they have a leadership role in the church until they do.
I’m mad about that and I’m angry about that and I’m angry that I was lied to there were actually resources that would really help and then I wasn’t on my own. That my husband would have help or support.
And if God is really God and our earthly fathers, know how to good gifts than what the crap‘s is god doing? But maybe like my stupid stepmother right… I just haven’t prayed enough or my relationship isn’t right enough or I haven’t prayed for the right thing or what’s the nice Christian response everything works together for the good of those who pray and petition the father so I just have to wait long enough. You know everything solved by the time you die because death solves it all, right? At least it does for you.
So I’m angry about those answers they’re such a copout cause they’re not real answers they are excuses and they are Christians hiding behind pretty words
Then why was my husband been fired because he had a bad attitude and put up boundaries because two and three years earlier on our family was dying and struggling trying their mega VBS and he was putting in 14/15 hour days for 6-7 days a week for four and five weeks And my kids and I were there for hours. I just needed help getting rides so somebody could be home to at least make dinner or do some shopping and a church of 3000 but the Camp of over 500 kids and another 200 volunteers not a single person could help with a ride for my kid But don’t worry they sure prayed for us that a quarter doesn’t even get me a phone call anymore
That’s why I’m angry. I’m angry because I was raised and I put in years and I took everybody else’s kids on winter and summer retreats and worked with the youth group and vacation Bible school for decades and when I finally needed support and I finally needed help I’ll pray for you what a stupid answer stupid.
And if God is God then why don’t he put the right person there? Why didn’t he fix it? Why didn’t he put his angels or whatever? That’s why I’m angry. If my heavenly father knows what I need why didn’t he provide? And yeah I did it on my own. I survived something that didn’t mean I thrive. Doesn’t mean it was good or healthy. It’s not what I would’ve wanted for my kids but maybe god doesn’t care if I saw my kid going through what I went through last year I would’ve put people and done anything to help. Why if I’m God‘s precious child didn’t he?
I asked then I was shut down hard, we don’t show that we have needs. It’s all about the kids….. the program has to go on. It has to make it.
I’m angry because every time I make a phone call I talk to a doctors office or deal with a medical bill. God could put the right person on there and make it an easy phone call or you can make it horrible. He has the power and he has the ability And it is Russian roulette if it’s going to be or not.
Don’t we deserve good things but not just some bad things for actions don’t matter because our actions don’t lead to salvation but we’re supposed to do what’s right because we’re supposed to be good people, but why?
King David was a horrible person and he was after God‘s own heart he should’ve been stoned and had he not been king-he would have died for what he did, and nobody gives a crap about Sheba‘s husband‘s family.
pick your patriarch from the Bible, anybody want to be Noah’s kids? about Jacobs? Then you’re going to say we should be part of the family of God, Jesus‘s brothers didn’t think so, they didn’t like him. Mary and Joseph literally lost their kid and not that we all have not had the moment with a pain in the butt 12-year-old but if he knew everything and knew how worried and scared to death as parents would be all you had to do is tell them where he would be before he went off and he didn’t, why that seems almost narcissistic to intentionally and purposely scare the ever living crap for two people who have already fled soldiers and a king, their home, changed their whole lives and been put to shame as unwed couple for you.
And we have the audacity to talk about Mary and Joseph and say ye a little faith.
I think they have a lot of room to say what the crap? I’m kind of bitter and angry for them.
I am bitter and I am angry. I want to try to let that stuff go, but those things repeat because I have to deal with doctors again and I have to deal with health insurance and I have to deal with a school system and a government or church people are even worse. Christians sit there on Sundays and say a whole bunch of crap and then on Monday when they have the opportunity to make sure that kids in the United States have breakfast and lunch don’t, and then blame me when their kids don’t do well on tests
One counselor told me radical acceptance, I said if we did that we still have Jim Crow laws, women wouldn’t be treated equally in the workforce or even have a chance to be treated equally in the workforce, we wouldn’t be talking about mental health, and how many other things have just changed when you watch a movie from the 80s to today.
So what are you doing? When things are wrong it seems to be society. They’re not changing, you have to deal with them. They make you feel used to abused and taking an advantage of and it’s not getting better. (and yes, I looked for medical advocates and liaisons. I like Education there aren’t any or as I mentioned above, you have to have pretty extenuating circumstances to qualify.)
Wow. Leah! You have a lot of reasons to be really angry and you ask a lot of good questions. I don’t think God is afraid of our hard questions. Also, as you well know, going to church can be religion. Seems like you’ve run into people who worship religion, not God… but God is not finished with them. He never promised we wouldn’t walk through valleys. He promised He would be with us in them. I wonder if all these disappointments hadn’t come your way if you would have asked any questions? God wants you, He wants your questions, your anger, He wants your honesty. I have struggled with my own losses and disappointments. Many related to the church. I have decided that I will never give anyone the satisfaction of becoming bitter. I won’t let bitterness steal my joy, or cloud my days. I will slow down and be still and wait for God to show me Himself. It is not closing my eyes to reality. It is letting God have the things I can’t control. It’s amazing what peace can be found when we hand the stuff that’s too big for us to God and steward the things He has given us…our thoughts, our words, our use of time, our choice of friends, our pursuits…etc…I am sending you a hug.