Am I Being Too Sensitive To His Words?
Good morning, friends! This month invites a different pace of life. For me, I hope to spend more time outside alongside all of the other Michiganders who are being drawn out by warm sun, blue skies and beautiful vegetation. My son and I pulled my paddleboard down from the garage rafters before he set off to pick up a fishing kayak from a nearby lakeshore town. It feels like a new season is here, and I welcome it. I pray June is awakening your senses to delight as well.
Our senses and sensitivities are gifts from God. They help us notice beauty, danger, rest, tension, peace, and connection. Emotional sensitivity can often be treated differently than other forms of awareness and viewed as weakness altogether. I invite you to keep that in mind as you consider this week’s question.
Today’s Question: My husband and I have been separated since August 2025. He’s taken accountability, etc. for how he treated me. But, some of the things he still says are questionable. An example is him telling me I “control and dominate anyone who will let me” and assuming and making judgements about my faith saying that “I don’t want to conform to God’s word and don’t have any interest in doing so” but then telling me I took it out of context. He then said “we all do that, not just you”.
He has made comments like if Christ is the center of the marriage then our marriage can work. But also saying what I want in a marriage isn’t Biblical (which I don’t understand where that’s coming from). Can I get your advice, suggestions, thoughts on these behaviors? Am I being too sensitive to his words?
Susan’s Response: Your question is a common one, and I am glad you asked it. Many women wrestle with the worry of being too sensitive. Oftentimes, it is because they were told they are too sensitive by loved ones early on. Most people are not struggling with having too many feelings but more so with what to do with the feelings they are aware of.
Proverbs instructs us to “keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” (4:23) Emotional sensitivity is about attunement; it is a strength rather than a weakness. The goal is not to suppress it but to regulate and steward it well. Guarding your heart, keeping it with all vigilance, requires awareness not dismissal or numbing out.
In short, sensitivity is about the awareness of internal emotional states as well as external cues. Mature relational functioning requires the ability to notice shifts in tone, energy, language and even physical responses. Maturity, according to Hebrews 5:14, requires discernment not emotional shutdown or emotional reactivity. In my experience, the words “too sensitive” either become code for “this is uncomfortable, so let’s shut it down” or the opposite, “my feelings are so important that I’m entitled to dump them on anyone around me”.
Shutting down awareness and deeper conversation isn’t always intentional; sometimes it’s a quick reaction to discomfort, overwhelm, or anxiety. For others, they may not care to be attuned to things they don’t want to address. Dismissing emotions, minimizing concerns, changing the subject, making assumptions, or labeling someone as “too sensitive” can become ways of escaping vulnerability or responsibility. Even self dismissal can function this way. Many people silence themselves because avoidance brings short term relief from tension, confusion, or conflict.
On the opposite end, sensitivity without discernment can become reckless. Instead of slowing down long enough to understand what is being perceived, emotions are immediately externalized, projected, or placed onto others. Feelings become urgent, every reaction becomes truth, and relationships are expected to absorb emotions that have not yet been processed. This is not emotional health either; it’s dysregulation.
Healthy sensitivity is not the absence of feelings nor is it permission to emotionally flood others with your reactivity. Proverbs 18:13 calls us to understand before moving to judgments. Slowing down, taking a breath and naming the feeling that goes with the situation can bring greater calm and clarity. This process can help move you from unbridled reactivity to self awareness, accountability, and regulation.
You are saying something important when you acknowledge that some of the things your husband says bring questions for you. Curious and clarifying questions are a good way to honor your sensitivities while maintaining regulation. Perhaps you have already practiced that with your husband.
Those questions might sound like, “If you are trying to give helpful feedback, could you be more specific about how you have witnessed me trying to control and dominate others?” Or, “what makes you believe that I don’t want to conform to God’s Word? I’m wondering how you would be certain of my interests.” And, “what do you think I want that you don’t believe is biblical?” But also, it might look like standing tall and saying, “that is not true of me”.
Dysregulation would look and sound different. It might sound like justifying, arguing, defending or explaining. It might sound like, “You’re always twisting things!”. It might look like placating to keep connection, while abandoning your own concerns. Or might look like crumbling into tears and self doubt.
It is important to be aware that manipulative control works to bring self doubt and confusion. One of the reasons people begin to question whether they are too sensitive is because of mixed messages, accusations, and explanations that make truth hard to discern. That doesn’t necessarily mean someone is intentionally manipulating you, but the confusion is worth paying attention to. Rather than labeling it or dismissing it, find clarity through attending to what you are sensing.
If you do honor your sensitivity with your husband, what you are met with will help you know more about what’s behind his statements. When you approach the conversation with wisdom and emotional regulation, it can create space for clarification, mutual understanding and deeper connection. But if your questions are consistently met with mocking, deflection, minimization, or criticism, that is important to pay attention to. Your body and emotions serve as indicators to let you know whether the conversation will be safe, respectful and honest. If you are not free to have your own views or express concerns, it may suggest that some of your husband’s old patterns are still present. Those patterns were not mentioned in the question but would be helpful for you to define for yourself.
Healthy relationships make room for both connection and freedom. They allow honesty, clarification, curiosity, and even disagreement without one person needing to collapse, overpower, or silence the other. Health in relationships should not be about becoming more skilled at defining the other person’s flaws. Mutuality requires humility from both people. If Christ is truly at the center of a relationship, then both individuals should be growing in truthfulness, gentleness, repentance, self awareness, and love.
When his words feel unsettling, what could your sensitivity be trying to tell you? It may be inviting you to slow down and pay attention to something important. Notice what creates clarity and what creates confusion. Notice what leads toward humility, honesty, and peace and what consistently leaves you feeling anxious, defensive, or in self doubt. Your sensitivity is not the problem; it is inviting you into deeper exploration.
Be well!
Beloved reader, when have you ignored your sensitivity and later realized it was trying to tell you something important?
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He is not repentant. A person who is truly sorry doesn’t speak to the other person like that. It’s defensive and manipulative. Sister, You are wise. NOT too sensitive. And I HATE divorce, but I LOVE divorced people. And so does God. I’ve worked in Divorce Recovery Ministry for 35 years. I’m NOT an advocate so please dont think I’m pushing it. What I AM saying is the Holy Spirit is helping you to discern your husband’s heart, and his words. His words are REVEALING his TRUE heart. And God is protecting you. Listen, sister.
I really appreciated the balance of this answer!
And grateful the statement that “every reaction becomes truth” I realize that I can put too much weight on my reactions and emotions-fearing that they tell the real truth about me. So thanks for these wise words.
Thank you for commenting, Denise!
Just curious if the “saying one thing, then another” is a regular occurrence in other areas of the relationship – does he say one thing, and later the exact opposite? Do you feel like he doesn’t make sense a lot of the time? We obviously don’t know the whole situation here, but I know my experience with my husband, who was finally diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder at age 49. It’s confusing even if you understand what is going on! He’s said all sorts of crazy things to me, and of course acted and said things contradictory when alters are fronting.
Glad to have you as part of the LV&Co community, Michelle! I hope you are getting the support you need. Your situation sounds challenging as well.
This is an excellent explanation Susan, thank you! My kids & I are enjoying the beautiful Ohio weather as well:)
Thank you, Tanya!
Thank you for this healthy explanation of emotions and emotional regulation! I struggled with this while I was raising my children. I didn’t grow up in a healthy emotional environment and had a lot of healing and learning to do myself. I knew that I wanted our home to be a place where my children could feel all of their feelings freely, but I was unlearned and confused about how to teach them to express them in a healthy, regulated way.
Jana, I hope you can treat yourself with compassion for what you didn’t know. When we know better, we can do better. It is never too late! Glad you are a part of the community of LV&Co.
Another helpful post; thanks, Susan!
I have come to realize that there is no reciprocal communication, no mutuality, in my marriage.
My.husband feels free to share concerns, thoughts, and opinions with me, because I listen with empathy and without judgement. He also feels free to vent anything at me, projecting his assumptions and negative emotions onto me; blaming me for his feelings and actions. ( I have learned to be less tolerant of this behavior… through boundaries).
Yet if I ” complain” …about anything… from being frustrated by a neighbors’ continual.thoughtlessness, to having cancer (again), much less trying to give him feedback about how his behaviors have affected me, …he says I’m ” being too sensitive”, dismissing and invalidating my every concern, large or small. To him, if it isn’t his concern..if it’s about me, it’s not worth listening to, considering, or caring about.
For years, I thought I could compensate for his emotional dysregulation…now I realize that it was never.my responsibility. He was always responsible for his behaviors. And my being hurt by his hurtful words and behaviors isn’t being ” too sensitive”, it’s being truthful.and reasonable. It’s ending my habit of gaslighting myself, telling myself he ” didn’t realize what he said” because he was emotionally dysregulated. Now I call it what it is: an adult who refuses to be an emotional adult in our relationship; someone who refuses to be responsible for himself; someone who prefers the momentarily ” release” of having tantrums to the potential benefits of working toward having a healthy, loving relationship.
Great words of wisdom, Living In Grace! Your sensitivity is a gift; use it well!
Thank you for your great insight, as usual.
I always have reservations when we’re encouraged to ask our husbands questions. Not that being curious or exploring or trying to connect on a deeper level is bad in any way. My problem is that my husband (ex) never spoke the truth to me. So I could ask all kinds of questions of him, but I could never trust that his response was truthful or just more manipulation and lies. In order to make progress, the husband has to be honest and trustworthy. I think in this forum at least, that may be a bit too much to expect.
I agree. The foundational element that is missing in many of our relationships is the ability to safely, mutually express our thoughts and feelings, and know they will be heard. When communication is one way only, it’s a ministry or a job, not a relationship. If you can’t trust your husband to listen and be honest and trustworthy…no revision of communication style will make any difference.
If he is not interested in growth or change, the “ reasons” for his emotional dysregulation and reactivity don’t matter. Most problems or deficiencies can be helped…but not if he won’t recognize and take responsibility for his behaviors.
You can’t be heard if he refuses to listen. You can’t have a healthy relationship without healthy, mutual communication.
And you can ask in a thousand careful ways, but you can’t make someone listen to you or care about your feelings.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Suzanne. Asking curious questions is a good starting point. Once you’ve learned the answers can not be trusted or the communication is used to manipulate, it is wise not to proceed further with this same type of engagement. As we gain information about destructive patterns in relationships, it is okay to shift the boundaries.
Yes! Same here. As I stated in my post he lives in his own reality that makes him out to be better than he really is and me worse. I’m more reserved and introverted and he is an extrovert and so his tactic is to tell the story often and to a lot of people, building a false history of self-crossed referencing, so when I tell the real story it looks like I am the idiot or the liar. But he does it do subtly and so over time and I can’t even tell if he is being calculated or he actually believes himself with all sincerity!
If we do have counseling he will say all the right things. Thankfully, our children have figured this out too and know his true colors, so I at least have some advocacy and understanding, though it sucks to burden our children with that.
Mine is just mean. And he makes up his own memories, his own reality, so even if I am doing everything right and good he will convince himself through his own imagination that it went a different way. It’s beyond misremembering or a different perspective.
Lately, his mean darts have been hitting me hard. I think I am just extra sensitive because we recently moved for a better opportunity for him, and, as usually, I did all the sacrificing, organizing, and planning, so I feel entitled to him being a little nicer.
There is no correcting him. There is no asking him to stop or consider. He will double down, fight dirty, or fall silent for a while, even seem nicer for a while until I am more at ease and then come up with a real doozy out of the blue that hits extra hard.
So, I have decided that I have to stop expecting kindness. I have to accept that he is going to throw these darts. I have to accept that even if he’s in a good mood for a while and I catch a break he is going to make sure I get “put in my place.” I asked God what can I do to avoid being hurt. I decided that I gave to remember that his mean words are NOT a reflection on me, but on him. He isn’t saying mean things because I deserve them. He’s trying to make me suffer because deep down he is suffering. It’s cathartic to him to hurt people and feel that power that people used to make him feel powerless when he was young and vulnerable.
But I have to stop letting them upset me and ruin my day and raise my stress hormones if I am going to “stay well.”
Thankfully, I finally have a safety net. My oldest child is an adult now and he is very understanding and sympathetic.