Is My Marriage Destructive?
Morning friend,
I’ve begun this year trying to practice something new. I’ll share it with you; maybe it will be helpful. Here’s the analogy. If you try to fill a small jar with 3 large unshelled walnuts and a cup of rice, success depends on the order you fill the jar. If you start with the rice, it will be impossible to fit all three walnuts into the small jar. However, if you put the walnuts in first, the rice will fit in. What does this mean?
Each day I identify what my three big walnuts are that must fit in my jar of today. Usually, it’s exercise (my five-mile daily walk), time with God, and 20 minutes of painting (minimum). All the rest (rice) fits around those main things. When I do that, I notice that I’m living my life with joy and not just being productive. When I forget and get caught up in fitting in all the rice, I don’t have room (time or energy) to put in my three big walnuts, and I feel depleted.
None of us can do it all. Even Jesus prioritized what he was to do and what he had to say no to. Let’s move away from striving to be “productive” living as human doings and remember, God created us to be human beings. We are to live our lives with intention, joy, and purpose. If you start to find your joy lagging, maybe it’s time to reevaluate how you are filling your day.
Question: After perusing your Facebook posts and blog, I seem to fall mostly into the “disappointing marriage” category, EXCEPT for the fact that my husband is an alcoholic who has shown very little inclination to recover. There has never been any physical abuse, but as the disease progressed, there has been emotional and verbal abuse. There have been lots of promises to go to rehab and seek recovery, but no real action. I had become a big fixer, handling all our household affairs in addition to managing his medical care and trying to find solutions to his addiction.
After his behavior became unpredictable and inappropriate, I finally left our home four months ago. I had hoped that my departure would cause him to seek help. He has very limited contact with me and no contact with our children and grandchildren.
I am now facing the prospect of this being a permanent separation. I had not wanted to consider divorce, but I want to remain open to God’s leading. Does active alcoholism put me in the “destructive marriage” category, if the behaviors may not completely cross the line into “destructive?”
Answer: I often get asked the question “If he doesn’t hit me is it still abuse?” From your question, I wonder if your bar for defining “destructive” is along similar lines. You mentioned he was emotionally and verbally abusive. That is destructive. You’ve lived with chronic patterns of broken trust and irresponsibility. That’s destructive. He also abandoned you and the children as a husband and father while he still lived in the home and more so after you separated. That’s destructive.
Your question was: Does active alcoholism put you as his partner in the “destructive marriage category”? Not necessarily. What puts you in the destructive marriage category are his actions and attitudes towards you and the family and their impact on you. From what you described, his behaviors have been destructive, with no remorse, repair, or repentance from him. You have shown more concern and care about his alcoholism than he has. You’ve tried harder to fix him than he has. What does that tell you? He isn’t ready or willing to change. Alcohol is his life partner not you. That is his choice, but it does impact you, your children and your marriage.
I’m encouraged to know that you did finally separate. That sometimes gives a destructive individual a wake-up call. Sadly, that hasn’t happened. Now you must weigh your options and live in the truth of what is and not in the hope you want. His behavior continues to deteriorate. His consequences could become your consequences, especially financially, even while separated. For example, if he drives and hurts someone or destroys property, your finances could be impacted.
I’d highly encourage you to seek the expertise of an attorney right now. Even if you are not ready to file for divorce, you must understand what financial liability you might incur if he continues in this destructive path while you are still legally married. You are not responsible for his messes or his choices. Here might be a helpful distinction for you. You may feel responsible to him as his wife, but as a loving helpmate, you’ve done all in your power to do to wake him up and invite him to change his ways. He has made his choice. You are not responsible for him as a man or husband. Those are his responsibilities.
Jesus asks a man who had been paralyzed 38 years an interesting question in John 5. He asked, “Do you want to be well?” Jesus did not swoop in and rescue this man from his paralysis. Perhaps this man preferred begging to work. Maybe he was scared to get a job, support himself, function like an adult. Maybe he preferred depending on others to help him. We don’t know him, but Jesus did and asked him before he helped him. Jesus knew he could fix this man’s legs, but this man would then have to take responsibility to fix his life. Did he want to do that?
Your husband must decide whether he wants to get well. Getting well isn’t just about stopping the alcohol. It’s about healing and growing his person into the man God created him to be. That is 100% his choice. I know it’s hard to honor his agency, especially when you see he’s making foolish decisions. Yet, that is true love because love does not control others. God let Adam and Eve decide. Jesus let people decide. The strongest Biblical example is Judas. Jesus warned Judas, invited him to reconsider what he was about to do at the Last Supper Meal, and still let him make his choice.
Friend, your husband’s choices are his to make. It is sad that he’s not choosing life. But please don’t take on the guilt or shame for his poor choices. But you, too, have some choices of your own to make for your safety and future well-being. I pray you choose life and continue to do what you need to do to remove yourself from the impact of his poor choices.
Friend, how have you freed yourself from taking on the burden of trying to fix someone else’s problem without feeling bad or guilty?
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I highly recommend Al-Anon for this dear lady.
It’s so helpful in all situations even when the spouse gets sober.. It’s a progressive disease & her husband will only get worse . I speak from experience.
This is encouraging but heavy at the same time. I have been struggling so long, with a man that sounds just like this man. Only difference is mine is a gambler , but identical characteristics. I have asked him many times to leave , but he refuses evevthough we have separated twice and I paid him out twice . My mistake was I took him back believing he actually changed his ways, but didn’t. The house is my name only. My hope was always to have a united family, thinking that is God’s will.
This is my story as well. I am so sorry for your grief, hurt, and loss. Leslie’s program helped me tremendously as well as Celebrate Recovery and books by Leslie, Lysa Terquerst, Kobe Campbell, and Henry Cloud. You will find peace as you work through your own recovery. Praying for you as you begin this journey of healing.
This could be my story! Don’t beat yourself up for what you can’t change for both of you. Some people say in somewhat judgemental tone, it always needs two in a breakup, strife, separation etc. But I say it also needs two for a healthy relationship. And if he doesn’t want to, all you can do is respect his decision but also respect yours for wanting healthy. These might already be some Leslie Vernick sentences repeated…. Be encouraged. You’re a wonderful, caring person!
I absolutely love this blog post. I especially love the way Leslie gets to the meat and potatoes of it all, in a way that is so genuine and tactful with a hint of sweet. Well said I receive the wisdom from what I read. Thank you Leslie every day I am more and more clear on my path towards freedom from a destructive marriage.
I can relate so well! After a good four years of trying to get my husband to stop drinking I finally had the courage to separate last year. I had a safety plan and as soon as the yelling, slamming doors started I said no more. He was living in the house still and stopped drinking, but about 4 months later caught him with porn using AI. I was shocked to say the least. I told him to move out and he did. That was about 2 months ago. What Leslie says is True that it’s not about quitting the alcohol, but about TRUST and I don’t know if I can fully trust again. It’s a horrible place to be in, feeling sad/devastated (not guilt, which took me a long time to realize I have nothing to feel guilty about), but Leslies Conquer program has helped me SO much. Not sure what the future holds, but I now know I don’t have to live like that anymore and God still loves me.
Ann, this might sound strange but..how did you ask or convince your husband to move out of the house?
My husband has” threatened “ to move out many times. I’ve agreed that it would be a good idea, for both of us to have more peace in our lives. He has multiple offices in different cities where he could work, in addition to a Mom he adores, who would appreciate assistance, in another city.
But I think he somehow thinks his threats will cause me to change back into my old people- pleasing self, and beg him to spend more time with me……and that’s not going to happen.
His repeated verbal abuse toward me, and emotionally abusive behaviors, plus his insistence on consuming an excessive amount of alcohol ( he lessened it slightly when I became much more direct about telling him the future he was creating for himself, but that didn’t last long),
He’ll go on a business trip for a few days, but that’s it. I’m making progress on my safety plan, but it would be so much easier if he wasn’t around all of the time…
I had been separated six years, when my husband passed away in Nov, 2020. I found Leslie’s program about a year and a half later. The CORE principles on her website and the teaching of “become a God-centered woman, not a man-centered woman” were the two things that helped me the most, as I worked through unexpected grief and began to understand why I had even been separated in the first place. There was no physical abuse, so I had no idea I was in any abusive relationship. There was also a Psalm, which says, my paraphrase, Let no sin have dominion over me. When I used to read that, I took it to mean my own sin. Once I was on the path to healing, I feel God showed me that that includes the sins of others, even my husband. God has great plans for our lives. He died to give us all an abundant life, not just unmarried people or even just men. EVERY person! He loves us as individuals more than He loves the institution of marriage. God bless you on your journey.
“God has great plans for our lives. He died to give us all an abundant life.”
Four years ago I told God that I was ready to go home to Heaven. My immediate family have all passed and I have no children and a husband that basically hates me. But God said no, I still have work for you to do. So I got hooked up with Leslie and team and others and did my work.
October 2022 I moved out of the house and the divorce was final July 2023.
January 2026 I am full of Life! I joined a different church 2 years ago and am part of an intercessory prayer group for revival in New England, weekly prayer at church, and evangelism to name a few. I never would have dreamed what God’s plans were for me once I got out of the cage the enemy had me in and am flying free in His Strength and His Love and His Power.
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