Are You Addicted To Hopium? Naive Hope Verses Certain Hope
Hello! Whether you are new to the LV&Co community or have been reading the blog for years, we appreciate you. May is mental health awareness month. What are you doing to care for your mental health? It is my desire that all of you grow and thrive in this community. Your wellbeing is important. I pray that you feel God’s loving-kindness toward you this month and always!
Today’s Question: I have been married for 23 years and we have 3 teenaged children. I have done everything I know to do to get my husband to heal and function better in our family. He has a lot of unresolved trauma from his mother and he is unwilling to get counseling. He has more recently gotten medication for bi-polar disorder and anxiety but I think he misuses the medication and mixes it with alcohol. He may take other drugs as well. He is very sneaky and high functioning so others don’t really see what’s going on even though there have been several job changes. I have tried gently calling him out on his poor behavior using scripture. I have appealed to his stated goals as husband and father. I have even gone to the pastoral staff of several different churches we have attended for support, as we have moved around many times at his whim. They don’t seem to see his destructiveness or detect his lies. He seems to be chasing something or running away from something, but he won’t listen to my desires or my input. He is constantly criticising and blaming me for all of his bad decisions. What more can I do? I just want him to realize what a mess he is making of our family. I don’t want a divorce. I vowed to death do us part because I believe in the power of Christ to fix it. I’m trying hard not to lose hope but it is fading fast. Jesus seems to be distant in my struggle. Can you help?
Susan’s Response: I can hear the pain and concern in your words and my heart goes out to you. I imagine there is so much more you could say about how the bad behaviors and destructiveness have affected you as you have persevered in this marriage. Divorce would undoubtedly bring pain and unknowns as well. There is no perfect solution and you can not heal the marriage alone. So what more can you do so that you can preserve your hope? Let’s explore the word hope a little deeper.
We have all recently experienced the Easter weekend. I believe there is so much to learn about hope from the scriptural passages talking about the last days Jesus had on earth. Leading up to the original Good Friday and the crucifixion of Jesus, many had a naive hope about what the Messiah would do and what having a King in Jesus would look like. When Jesus was nailed to the cross and buried in the tomb, naive hope was shattered.
The Old Testament speaks of a coming Messiah and prophesizes about a future time of restoration and peace. When Jesus started his ministry on earth, He began revealing what certain hope meant for all who were listening. Though they were hearing, they were not understanding and still hanging on to naive hope. Why? They didn’t have the experience and language to understand what was happening in their world; their view of Jesus was limited. The believers of the time were doing the best they could with what they had.
In reading Luke 24: 13-35 about the two followers of Jesus on the road to Emmaus, verse 21 tells us that they had hoped Jesus was the one to redeem Israel. The two people were sad because what they had been hoping for was lost. The man they saw as a prophet, mighty in deed and word before God and all people, had been crucified and condemned to death (vs. 19). Even their understanding of who Jesus is was limited.
Along the road, Jesus was walking right with them and their eyes were kept from recognizing him (vs. 16). He tells the two people about the certain hope that His life, death, and resurrection would bring. Yet in their current state, they could not understand. Their grief was heavy and all consuming. It wasn’t until they received what He was offering that they were able to experience His presence. What He offered was not the hope they wanted or expected.
Dear one, the Lord sees you. He sees your grief and your efforts. He is right there with you offering you certain hope. It may look differently than you had planned. Can you be open to receive what God may have for you so that you can experience His presence and goodness in your life?
So what more can you do? By what you shared, I can understand that your husband has some problems. His problems are significantly impacting you. Not considering his actions or inactions, what is it that YOU need most? What is your problem with his problem?
Defining your problem could give you important information about how to move forward in a different way. You have been putting time and energy into trying to get your husband to resolve his problems. What if he continues to choose the same path? What if he never invests in solving his problems? If you keep hoping he will change, you may continue to be disappointed. God doesn’t force His will on anyone but allows all the freedom to choose their own path.
Psalm 62:5 says, “For God alone, O my sole, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him.” Jesus doesn’t promise that we will have beautiful marriages or that believers will do their work to be healthy. What promises do you find in scripture that you want to hang on to?
Once you get real with yourself about the harm you are experiencing, you can focus on attending to your own feelings and distress. Until you allow the Lord to bind up your broken heart and tend to your wounds, you will continue to remain in this state of disappointment, confusion and chaos. The process of grieving is necessary in order to move into acceptance of truth about your situation. Once you do, you will be able to see more clearly about what next steps to take for your own mental health and wellbeing.
God desires a genuine and loving relationship with humanity, which requires voluntary acceptance, not forced compliance. What decisions will you make for yourself even if your husband doesn’t move toward change?
Be Well!
Beloved reader, have you been able to let go of a naive hope that has kept you stuck? What helped you move forward toward certain hope in Christ?
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I agree. You can yield to the Lord for your own life, but you can’t force others.
Receive the comfort he died to bring us. It is real healing.
Leave your husband to God and with God.
Prayer is all you have now.
He has broken the Covenant and most likely vowes.
Ask God what he thinks about this truth when considering staying or going.
I just prayed for you 🥰
LV&Co appreciates you, Livi. Thanks for commenting!
Yes, I have been stuck holding on to hope that my husband has changed. Time after Time, I would forgive him for his silent treatment, attack on my character, gaslighting, deception, lying, and manipulation.
However, when I shifted my mindset to care for myself first, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, I found the confidence and power to set boundaries to protect my mental state. I ask God daily to search and guard my heart because out of it will be the fruit that manifests in my life.
I stopped focusing and wasting energy on him and shifted my focus to God, trusting Him, surrendering all to him, and being in His presence. I have experienced His joy and peace in suffering.
I am learning that when I change and become healthy, my environment will change- it all starts with me, not the other person.
My God continue to bless you. Thank you for sharing, Renea!
Renea this is so good and exactly what I am trying to do. Are there any resource that you found helpful? Can you tell me a bit about how you do this? How do you handle hurt and loneliness? I ask God daily to search and guard my heart but the loneliness and grief is also real and I desperately want to be loved as well. I know my Lord loves me but I also want to be loved as a wife. Thanks so much!
Wow, this is my story, only severe anger issues, 10 years and no children need to be added for my husband. It has given me food for thought.. This is a difficult place to be in.. may the Lord bless and guide you and myself into healing and into making the next correct godly move.
And may He bless you as well, Tamera. It is a difficult place to be in. Glad you are a part of this community where you can find support and understanding.
Your story describes mine, almost in detail. I stayed married, for 37 years now, because i didn’t want to divorce, believed that Jesus could fix everything. He could have, but didn’t. Maybe some of the things i did help you a bit as well. I found myself a fine christian counselor, whom i talk to for the last few years, it helps not going crazy. It took me a few years to have the courage to have my own bedroom and create emotional distance. This has done very much for me, since i was able to have my own space, writing down my pain, looking at these lists and start a process of mourning and after that, healing. I also realised that leaving does not mean that i would heal of all trauma and that i would need to learn get out of survival mode anyways, so why not now, while i had my own space and took time to consider divorce and other options. I experience Jesus walking close with me every day. My husband became covertly angry, but that was the case anyway all these years, so no real change. His pride and status does not allow him to share with anyone that his wife doesn’t sleep with him anymore. He threatened to leave me many times, bit that was also normal for 20-30 years, so no big deal. He became quiet and since he cannot touch me emotionally anymore, he is way less agressive in words and behaviour. Don’t know what the future will bring, but i can breath again and make decisions. Honestly, our sons are adults now, i don’t have to protect them anymore, that was also key why i didn’t dare to make these decisions. I will pray for you, whatever decision you make, Jesus will never leave you, i can testify of that in my life.
I too lived in hopium for 36 years. Nothing is impossible for God so I just kept submitting and knowing that some day my faithfulness to God would change him. It didn’t. When I finally started educating myself on ideas that weren’t in my “Baptist” camp II found that indeed my hope was unfounded. When I decided I could no longer live like we were it was as easy as could be for him to dissolve the marriage and walk away. He lived 36 years indifferent to me, my needs or the marriage. Why did I think that dissolving the marriage was any different ? Why didn’t I see that was his pattern?
But… my new life is incredible and God is using my story to help others.
So encouraging, Evans Jeanette! Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for sharing some of your story, Inge. May God continue to reveal Himself and His care for you each day!
Thanks for your wisdom, Susan! I had the naive hope for 40 years that I could change to make my husband happier. I knew something was wrong with our marriage but because of growing up with a narcissistic angry mother, I came to the wrong conclusion that something was wrong with ME.
I thank God that I finally discovered my husband’s philandering ways, or I’m sure I would still be living in naive hope. That knowledge woke me up at the right time, when I was ready, and God gave me the courage to separate from my husband. I gave my husband three years to exhibit godly repentance, but he never did.
So I grieved ( still do occasionally), gave him to God, divorced and focused on my own recovery. God has sustained me every day since then, as well as providing for my every need. My real hope is now in God alone and I know that in Christ I am loved and enough, just as I am. Empowered to Change has helped me to keep growing and healing.
Deb, I can hear your strength in your words! Thank you for being a part of the LV&Co community.
So many great comments to ponder. I am 28+ years and in the recognition and healing process. Always blamed, always threatened but never physical. It is hard with two teenagers and watching how it is all destructive and harmful to them. I thought staying in the marriage was the RIGHT things to do, for God hates divorce. I had to realize my own pride in that I thought I understood ALL of God’s thoughts and ways and I did not want to displease God. Surrounded myself with Church leaders that understand and stand ready, but it is ME who is too weary to step out and make change from what is “familiar”. His “familiar” growing up is toxic, destructive and dark. Please pray for our family and God’s provision as we have had job loss also which compounds the blame and hardship and brought plans to leave the destructive on pause… not sure what God is doing, but I am trusting him.
My heart goes out to you, JJ. Stay close to this community and seek additional support if you need it. May God continue you to show you His provision and give you the wisdom you need to move forward.
My husband’s drinking, gambling, and mental health challenges caused much damage to our family. For all my concern about the physical harm he could inflict, I had a big wake up call when I was at fault in a car accident. I was only driving because I had had an especially challenging few weeks and was too tired to go through the bedtime routine with my young children. I finally realized that my human limitations could also create harm. Shortly thereafter we did separate. It was so difficult and I was heartbroken, and it took a while for me to get financial security. But I felt safer and slept better. I was physically better able to face family challenges. Less than 2.5 years later, my husband self destructed and died. I had held out hope that God would heal my marriage. Instead I heard that he loved me and would take care of me – even though it was different than what I had hoped.
Powerful testimony, Heather! Thank you for sharing. I am sorry for your loss. And I commend you for your strength in recognizing how someone else’s destruction was harming you. May God continue to guide you to certain hope.
I experienced many of the things that the woman shared. In the midst of the most destructive time in my marriage, I sensed God speaking to my heart that He would ‘restore my marriage’. Things continued to become more destructive, even placing my children at risk. I ended up moving out of state and even filed for divorce. I continued to believe that God would work a miracle in our family. Fast forward to last month, when God showed me how He was faithful to the word He placed on my heart. My ex-husband has died (sadly related to the reasons for the destruction in our family), and at the funeral, my role was that of a wife, not ex-wife. I have been the executor of his estate, and I planned everything for his funeral, interment etc. my relationships with his family have been fully restored. I know that healing was possible for my ex-husband, but God allowed his freedom to choose. I received an incredible gift at the funeral. His uncle told me that he expressed remorse and repentance for his behaviors before he died.
I just followed the path God set out for me every day- even when I didn’t want to walk it, I did in faith (and continue to do so). God will never abandon us.
So good Coach Susan!
I lived on hopium for years. 2 yrs ago I was so depressed by my husband’s chronic indifference (married for 20 yrs) that I was ready to drive my car off the road. I knew this was not the answer and have 3 children I love dearly but the despair was heavy. I did not allow myself to see it until I left for 3 months. I listened to all of Leslie’s free stuff and that helped open my eyes.
I decided I was going to train to “stay well.” I moved back home, continued therapy with my husband where he refused to take responsibility for his controlling, selfish and indifferent ways. His job is in ministry and he has made an idol of it, at the expense of the children and me.
I did CORE and E2C and learned how not to act crazy, even when he did crazy making things.
After nearly one year of this, I chose to “leave well.”
All of this has been really difficult. I won’t lie. Getting my own bank account made me positively giddy.
learning not to have fear of man regarding my leaving and most likely divorcing has been a steep learning curve. It is enough for me that God knows, I know and my husband knows what happened and why I left.
Leslie and her coaches have taught me SO much.
No one saved me from this although I am blessed with some very kind and supportive friends. I had to educate myself ( thank you Leslie) and step out in faith. I thought I was supposed to suffer, that that’s what Jesus was asking of me.
Now I know that it’s not meant to be at the hands of my own husband.
I no longer believe that God holds an institution (marriage) over the well being and sanity of His children.
As far as “hopium,” I knew the God I served was the same God that split the Red Sea and I believed He could change my husband’s heart. After working so hard on changing my own heart I realized that if husbands AND wives don’t seek change with humility , there will be no change. My husband saw no need for change. This was so hard to accept. The fact that He loved me so little, if at all and punished me covertly for years has been hard to face but God has preserved me and is healing and breathing new life into me.
This verse in Isaiah has been my mantra.
Isaiah 50:7 Because the sovereign Lord helps me I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame.
I’ve been in my own for 10 months and am still grieving but God is renewing my mind ( time with Him in His word is imperative for this) and there have been some really tight times but God has always provided and continues to open doors.
As far as the “leaving well,” sometimes it has to happen quickly but I had a plan in place (more wise advice from Leslie) and spoke with friends about renting from them and even got a loan from the bank so I could move out.
The terrifying yet amazing thing is, it’s your choice.
Praying for my LV &CO sisters🩷🙏
Yes, it is not always possible to stay “well” when destructiveness continues to do harm to you. So glad you are in the LV&Co community and have been in some of our coaching groups! Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom here! May God continue to bless you and keep you!
Yes, it is not always possible to stay “well” when destructiveness continues to do harm to you. So glad you are in the LV&Co community and have been in some of our coaching groups! Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom here! May God continue to bless you and keep you!
God does not abandon His children! Thank you for the reminder of those words and the importance of listening to the Holy Spirit each day, Kate.
I feel your pain, I had this same experience with my husband. No matter how hard I tried enough was never enough and I was so beaten down and discouraged . I hung on to false hope blaming myself because my husband had conditioned me to feel that way. I followed my nieces’ advice and started to listed to Leslie on Facebook. I remember back on that first year telling myself but , this is not my marriage and God hates divorce and then I quit listening to Leslie altogether, but as I sought my own reasoning and as the marriage continued to deteriorate I started listening to Leslie again and joined conquer. I am currently divorced from the man I loved for 49 1/2 years and 6 months before our 50th wedding anniversary our divorce was final. I don’t even know how to describe the pain it caused, but I am so thankful for Leslie and the conquer program. Today I have a new relationship with the Lord, as I am now listening to Him and only wise godly counsel from Gods word and others who have experienced the same situation. God will see you through the conquer program and I guarantee you will find clarity, safety and direction through many women in your same situation
Deborah, thank you for your encouraging words! Grieve well, dear sister.
I have worked in divorce recovery and stepfamily ministries for over 30 years. Many women believe satan’s lie that tolerating a husband’s bad, abusive, controlling, or destructive behavior is the godly thing to do. That’s how he keeps us trapped in the cycle. And it’s not uncommon for a pastor to affirm that lie with “God hates divorce” as the reason and method to “cure him”. And it keeps the husband in perpetual sin because no one is holding him accountable. this is not love. This is not Jesus. THIS IS NOT what you want your kids to view as a godly marriage. The wife’s job is to get into a therapist, support group, and godly teaching that explains why and how this isn’t love. There ARENT a lot of Christian resources on this subject, which is why I’m so grateful for Leslie and her team. I’ve sent hundreds of women her way bc it’s so hard to find in person help for women who need to learn to heal from this perverted view of love and vows. No one hates divorce more than I do. I’ve watched it destroy many, it tried to take me out as a kid then as an adult. However, that doesn’t mean women should ignore the behavior in their home. It benefits no one, and satan dances because of the destruction. PLEASE get help from someone who understands. Under Grace, Laura Petherbridge
We appreciate your work and support, Laura! Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
I’m , saddened by your situation . I understand I also am dealing with a husband who is NPD and very immature . Verbally and emotionally abused by him . Learning can’t change people ! Wasting time and energy trying . It is not my job to make him happy only God can satisfy . Sure you feel alone also . Working on preparing myself to be strong enough to leave him . Been a homemaker for years . Please seek professional assistance , my church doesn’t have the ability to help . God sees you . Can family members help you ? It is so very difficult , not that easy as we would like . Yet keep moving forward to getting healthy and happy and safe . Healing is waiting . You are not alone . Take care. So much more needs to be said .. Don’t like feeling helpless . People treat you as you let them . Don’t reward bad behavior . Peace in Christ .
Dear Sister, My heart goes out to you. I spent so many years in the place of deferred hope, my heart grew sick. I ended up seeking real hope. I couldn’t share my pain in the circle of friends, family or church. I did not want to air his shame or embarrass our family. I fought to the bitter end to save our marriage, It takes 2. My ex-husband sounds a lot like yours. I confronted, If ound help by reading Lesli’e’s book and confronted in healthy ways. He projected all back on me. I was stronger, then, his gloves came off. I never imagined he would abandon his entire family, but he did. He has not changed it has been 10 1/2 years, I remarried 7 years ago. I am grateful for full disclosure, but it was very painful. To think I spent so many years in denial. God brought things to the surface for me. My spinning plates all crashed. Guess what? God picked up the shattered pieces of my life and gave me new hope, restored value and I am happy. I was married for 30 years. I did not believe in divorce, like you, I vowed until death do us part. Please take it one day at a time. Your story is not like anyone else’s and God holds all the details, turn to him, do the heart work and really accept the truth as it comes.