A November to Remember: Choosing Growth Over Apathy
Beloved Readers, this November, I invite you to join me in saying “NO” to apathy and the victim mindset. While gratitude often takes center stage this month, let’s challenge ourselves to move beyond comfort and into meaningful, intentional growth. It’s easy to stay stuck in patterns of past hurts and regrets, especially in relationships that feel complicated. But this month, I’m saying “NO” to staying in those cycles and “YES” to the hard, beautiful work of healing and rebuilding.
This Week’s Question: “LeAnne, how do I rebuild trust with an adult child who has set firm boundaries because they don’t feel safe after years of trauma response mis-parenting?”
LeAnne’s Response: Please know that you are not alone. It takes immense courage to embrace the truth of how your actions have impacted those you love. But facing this truth is where healing begins. Rebuilding trust after years of trauma response parenting can feel daunting, especially when those years have led your child to set boundaries for their safety. But healing is possible, and it begins with what I like to call “HEART work”—a series of intentional steps that help you approach the relationship with humility, empathy, accountability, respect, and transformation. So let’s take a deep breath together as we pause and invite the Lord into a transformative process.
H.E.A.R.T Work: Rebuilding Trust with Adult Children
H – Humility in Acknowledgement
True healing starts with genuine acknowledgment. When years of trauma responses have impacted your child, it’s crucial to approach with humility. This means listening deeply without defending or minimizing what they share. Let them see that their pain matters and that you take full responsibility for your role in it.
Picture a moment where you see the hurt in your child’s eyes—a hurt caused by years of reactive parenting. That moment, though painful, is an invitation to practice humility. It’s in these moments that acknowledging your past actions without defense or justification becomes vital. Saying, “I see the pain I caused, and I’m here to do better,” opens the door to healing.
Your child’s willingness to share their boundaries isn’t meant to punish you but to protect themselves. Acknowledging their feelings shows that you value their well-being and take responsibility for the past.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” —Psalm 34:18 (NLT)
E – Empathy and Validation
Empathy means stepping into your child’s shoes to see and feel the world from their perspective. Validation is not just hearing their words but truly affirming their feelings. You might say, “I hear you, and I’m deeply sorry for how my actions made you feel.” This acknowledgment helps your child feel seen and safe enough to consider healing.
Creating felt safety is essential at any age. Adult children need to know that you respect their emotional experience. This kind of validation can be transformative.
Reflection: Recall a time when your adult child set boundaries. How did you respond? How could you validate their perspective in the future to support their safety and trust?
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” —Ephesians 4:32 (NLT)
A – Accountability and Consistent Action
Words can unlock the door to reconciliation, but actions will keep it open. Show your adult child you are serious about creating change by taking proactive steps. This might mean continuing counseling, finding a mentor, or setting aside time for deep reflection and self-work. Accountability and consistency are what build a new foundation of trust.
As you journey through change, set clear goals and involve an accountability partner or coach to help you stay the course. Regularly reflect on your progress and seek feedback when appropriate.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” —Galatians 6:9 (NLT)
R – Respect Their Boundaries, Take Responsibility for Yourself.
One of the most challenging parts of this journey is respecting the boundaries your adult child may have set, even when it feels like a barrier to closeness. However, respecting those boundaries shows them that you prioritize their emotional safety over your own desires. This step is essential to demonstrating that you are trustworthy.
Trust is built over time, and respecting boundaries shows your commitment to their well-being.
“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.” —Matthew 7:12 (NLT)
T – Transformation Through Patience and Prayer
Rebuilding a relationship is not a sprint; it’s a marathon that requires commitment, time, Jesus, and strength. Transformation comes with patience and continuous prayer. Remember that as you commit to this HEART work, you are sowing seeds that God will water in His perfect timing.
The journey of acknowledging past mistakes can stir up guilt and regret, but it’s important to extend empathy to yourself, too. Change is not a linear path, and growth takes time. Treat yourself with the same patience and kindness you want to offer your child. Remember, God’s grace is not only for them—it’s for you, too. Be gentle with yourself.
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” —Ephesians 4:2 (NLT)
As you reflect on this process, I encourage you to set one small, intentional action for this week. It could be a sincere letter of validation or a quiet prayer asking for strength and wisdom as you honor your child’s boundaries. Remember, even the smallest acts of genuine effort are seen by God and can lay the groundwork for reconciliation.
Rebuilding trust with an adult child after trauma response parenting is not only about changing your actions but transforming your heart. The HEART work of humility, empathy, accountability, respect, and transformation is not a checklist but a path of daily choices that reflect love and resilience. Know that you don’t walk this journey alone. God walks beside you, guiding each step with grace and hope. As you say “NO” to apathy this November, say “YES” to the hard, beautiful work of healing. Trust that in your consistent, heartfelt efforts, God is present, working in ways you may not yet see.
Community Question: Which part of the HEART work resonates most with your journey? How do you rely on God’s strength as you take steps toward rebuilding and healing?
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When I opened up this blog post the title alone was God speaking!!! I nearly fell out of chair. My mother, of who I have been estranged from for over 3 (almost 4) years, reached out. Her first letter was filled to the brim with justifying, accusing, blame-shifting, excusing, and lots and lots of minimizing.
I redirected her in my response message and she finally returned last night with much more accountability and acknowledgment.
So, now what?
What is the path forward for me to be emotional safe in her presence (even for 20 mins) and for her to be able to manage her emotions? If that is the goal, how do we start? I’ve started my own healing path with with Leslie’s CONQUER group, individual counseling, and books but how do I invite her to do her OWN work without giving her a list to check the boxes??
THIS…is the path forward!! I sent her this post and pray she receives it well and with an open heart.
If not, it is just a clear sign that she isn’t ready yet to do her own work.
Thank you God for putting us on the best path toward reconciliation. Before I had nothing and now I have a path, we shall she if she joins me on it?
Thank you!!
God bless you, Angel! Praying for you and your mom! LeAnne Parsons wrote a great and insightful article, and your response was superb as well (humble and hopeful). May you receive God’s strength to take steps forward in wisdom regarding your mom. Much peace to you …
Thank you for bringing so much clarity around this.
How do I move forward in relationship with adult children that I do not feel safe with? Certainly I have had my moments of reactive parenting. Our situation is complicated, having adopted 8 children, the oldest 4 who came home with intense behaviors that were severely traumatizing (and abusive) for the younger four. The younger 4 blame us for adopting the older 4 and the older 4 blame us for parenting so intensely in order to keep the younger four safe. It has been hard for everyone but now only the youngest two are left at home and all the rest of the kids are mad at us and are stuck viewing all of our parenting through the lens of the abuse they received from their first parents. It feels as if there is no way forward.
Great article! Ill try this with my sister. I dont feel trusting to share personal details of my life anymore..
Not sure if i ever will. She said shed accept calls from my abusive ex, + sorta defends him last time we talked, a few yrs ago. How to proceed, of at all. Ive just been communicating via cards for now. This is hard!
Is it possible that the adult child is “taking it out” on me , but I didn’t actually act to traumatize her, her dad was the alcohol abuser/ ignore-er of her?
Thank you friends for joining in the conversations here. Your lives and stories of resilience and trusting the process continue to inspire and challenge us to pursue Christ and His pathway of peace in all of our relationships.
“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.
John 14:27
Warmly,
Coach LeAnne Parsons
P.S. this holiday season is a great time to gift yourself and others HEART work… Each day is a new opportunity to connect in healthier ways with those we care about.
👣✌🏻🌻👣
Coach LeAnne Parsons,
My adult daughter, Angel, reached out to you on November 14, 2024, with a heartfelt message of healing regarding my reactive parenting style as she was growing up. It has taken time for me to reflect and embrace her comments about her feelings about me as her mother. Le Anne, I truly thought I was a good mother, not perfect, but willing to provide love and parental guidance as a single mom. I was the parent who stayed to parent and love her, because her father struggled with drug addiction. I overly compensated out of guilt and shame for him not being there in her life. I struggled with codependency, approval addiction, and people pleasing. My recovery has been a long journey of self-awareness and acknowledgement of my choices and behaviors in life. I was proud of the sacrifices I made to be a good mother and Memaw to my grandchildren. It has been very difficult to accept that I was responsible for emotionally abusing my daughter, who was the most important person in my life. We always shared a special bond, but I did not understand how my codependency, and inability to always regulate my own hurt, frustration, stress, and disappointments hurt her. As I look back on the past, my Angel attempted to express her feelings, and I dismissed her with my need to defend my actions. My career as a psychotherapist with a Ph. D. justified my stance as being a good parent. I had all the evidence and knowledge to prove that I was right, and my daughter was only viewing my parenting from a perspective of limited insight into how difficult it was to balance pursuing higher education, career, parenting, while still sacrificing my own needs. Now, I understand that my life, no matter how justified I felt being overwhelmed and stressed, caused her hurt and pain with my emotional outbursts. My apologies over the years were not enough for her to feel safe with her relationship with me. I could not accept that she could not forgive me, and we move on with our lives. Both of us are recovering now, since I encountered the same style of parenting as well. I know my relationship with my mother was based on generational codependency in our family. My mother and I were very close and enmeshed over years. However, the love was genuine. I thought my daughter knew how much I loved her, right? Well, obviously, love is not enough when your child does not feel safe around you. I am no longer making excuses for my behaviors. I am truly sorry, Angel, for the hurt I caused you. I would like for us to work on establishing healthy boundaries in our relationship. I want you to feel safe knowing I am your mother, who loves you very much, and I always will love you. Healing takes time, and I am ready to listen to your feelings without becoming defensive. I regret not hearing you all the times you tried to tell me in the past!
Thank you, Coach LeAnne, for your brilliant podcast on adult children being healed from emotionally reactive parents, such as myself. Because of Angel being validated by your comments, she was able to share your perspectives with me regarding the healing journey needed to repair the emotional damage caused in my relationship with my only child. Angel, I love you, and I miss you, along with my family. Boundaries must be healthy and positive between us moving forward, and I want you to feel safe, and proud to have me as your mother. God has Called me into Ministry, and I want to be a positive influence for my daughter, son-in-law, grand babes, and others, concerning the ability to change negative behaviors, and recover from hurtful situations in your past. ❤️ I thank God for allowing this opportunity for me to seek healing, forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration with my daughter…and others. It requires humility, self-awareness, and forgiveness of self, along with Trusting God, to heal and recover in life!