6 Months Separated from My Middle School Sweetheart
Morning friend,
I am heading to Nashville to speak at the American Association of Christian Counselors Wednesday and Thursday. I’d really appreciate your prayers. More than ever, the church and Christian counselors need to wake up to the abuse of power, become better equipped to identify destructive relationship dynamics, and understand what it takes to heal broken relationships.
In two weeks, October 7, I will be hosting a free webinar, “How do you know he’s really changing or just pretending?” It will be about an hour long, as usual, and I will give you specific questions to ask yourself and a roadmap to follow to know what your next right steps are going forward. Our Conquer doors will then open for new members, so if you’re interested in attending the free workshop, sign up here.
Today’s Question:
I am 6 months separated from my middle school sweetheart. We have been married 23 years, and it has been a long, long road. He has been abusive in nearly every way. I have tried to talk to him many times over the years, but he chooses to rage when met with things he has done. So God made a way of escape—it truly was a miracle.
I keep getting stuck in a loop: he finally admitted to years of raping me in my sleep. Years. I suffered several illnesses over the years and took different medicines and had extreme exhaustion. I knew when I would wake up the next day and confront him and ask what he had done to me, and he would gaslight me or just plain lie. But he has admitted to all the abuse over the years—from financial, physical (2 times), sexual, verbal, emotional, etc.
How would you ever trust someone that did those things to you again? But more importantly, how do I keep from looping about the rape aspect? I have filed for a divorce, but he is convinced we are going to reconcile because he is trying to change. 23 years and he is “trying to change”!
Answer:
My answer to your question, “How would you ever trust someone that did those things to you again?” is, you wouldn’t. You shouldn’t. Why would you? God made a way of escape. You said it was a miracle. Go and be free. Don’t look back.
I think what may be confusing you is that he’s now admitting to raping you in your sleep and the other abuses. It may feel good that he’s finally admitted it, but that does not mean he’s changed his ways. Do you believe that this first step of owning his abuse means you’re supposed to take him back? That God wants you to take him back? Trust him again? Let him in your house, near your body, your finances, your mind or heart? That’s up to you, but God isn’t saying you have to. Some consequences are permanent, even when a person is genuinely repentant.
His repentance (if genuine) means that he now has a ton of his own work to do. Getting back with you will only distract his work. Stay out of the way. Let God continue to wake him up to his own wretched sinfulness and give him space to do his work to become a better man. I don’t know this for sure, but I suspect his “repentance” is another ploy to suck you back under his influence. God does not need you to help him change or grow. I’d highly encourage you to have a clear boundary with him. You can say something like:
“I’m happy that you are reconnecting in your relationship with God. I forgive you and wish you the best. I hope you find a good counselor and church so you can heal and do your work to become a godly man. Please do not contact me again. I am going through with the divorce.”
You asked about how to stop looping about the repeated rape you experienced. I’m not sure what you mean by “looping,” but my guess is that the rape feels front of mind and you can’t get it to go to the back of your mind. Rape for anyone is traumatic. Feeling helpless, powerless, and being repeatedly raped by someone who is supposed to be your best friend, lover, and protector is highly damaging to your soul, body, and spirit.
I don’t know what work you’ve done so far, but I’d highly encourage you to get some professional help from a trained trauma therapist to help your body, mind, and soul repair and recover. God cares about what happened to you, and if your body and spirit haven’t been able to feel safe, this trauma continues to impact your health and well-being. Instead of figuring out his work or reconciling your marriage, keep your focus on your safety and well-being.
I hope you will cut all contact with his sister. You lived with him for 23 painful years. You know he’s very good at gaslighting, sweet-talking, manipulating, scaring you, threatening you, and confusing you. You don’t need that. God is not asking you to be his support system. He’s leaned on you far too long. God will give him what he needs to grow, just like He helped you. Don’t get in the way. Time to take care of you.
Friend, I’d love to hear your experience with “trusting someone again after deep abuse or betrayal.” How did that work out?
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Dear sweet sister, I am so sorry for all of your pain! I am proud of your courage and i see God’s strength growing in you! Keep working with your counselor and I hope you can join Conquer. It was very helpful to me. Celebrate Recovery and other supports through books by Lysa Terquerst and Kobe Campbell also have been helpful for my healing. I know its hard and very different but its time now to stop worrying over him. Trying to fix him has not worked. Right now, you need to be your priority. You have to give him to God and work on yourself. The work you are doing now is the start to a miracle in your life. The rape is in the forefront of your mind, because God is ready to start healing it. Let him. With professional and Christian mentors, face the pain and start finding you again. You can do this in the strength of Christ. He has given you many great resources. Conquer is a wonderful place to start. You are worth the cost. Praying for you now. You are a daughter of the great I AM king and you are so very loved and important to HIM!
You have invested 23 years with him…. and look what he chose to do with those valuable 23 years. What are YOU going to choose to do with YOUR life. It’s the only life you are gonna live. I imagine that your trauma bond is driving the boat. Listen and take Leslies counsel….dont live and act on feelings. Gather your courage, embrace reality, allow others who are ahead of you to mentor you in group settings with Leslies teaching. God has a good plan, but it requires active steps. You can do this.
So well said…Hes taken the first step of repentance, that isnt the time to reconcile . Besides, I too think He got caught. That’s not repentance.
The movie “Chocolate” has a portion focused on marital abuse. The woman finally leaves. The man repents and does his “work” He then goes to her with flowers, apologizing saying “I’m a changed man”. She says that’s wonderful, thank you for the flowers. He wants her to come home. She says, very gently “no” and closes the door. He rages and comes back later, raging, to drag her home. So, he hasn’t changed a bit. Walk in the freedom God has gifted you, no guilt, no shame, dear one.
All the fruits of the spirit can be faked.
Like Julie said, set a boundary that he will hate, like, Get back to me in 3 years after having completed several recovery programs. For me, it was that I would only communicate by email, not in person or phone. Or through a 3rd party. Now, 28 years later, he still sometimes tries to trick me to talk to him on the phone. Then tells the family that “she still won’t talk to me, and its important, about our children!” . The children are 30-51 years old.
First I’m very sorry for your pain. Truly sister. I am. I also think it’s very brave if you to reach out. I’ve found telling our stories is helpful in “living in the truth” and gaining counsel from “wise others.”
Two things:
I recently listened to a book (very short hour+) called Trauma Bonding by Lauren Kozlowski and found it very illuminating. Amongst other things in it she talks about the bodies chemical response to harm and care patterns often perpetuated in abuse. She also talked about the things we “obsess” (maybe that is a synonym for your “loop”?) over.
Second we can forgive and love as God wishes. Doesn’t mean reconciliation or trust or access.
I wish you health, wellness, peace, joy, and true and Godly love.
With care.
-Sally
So sorry, Ask yourself why did it take you moving out and filing for divorce for him to “apologize and confess?
Remember why you left. He confessed what he wanted to for his own motives. If he changed he would be overly concerned how you are , he would know how triggering he is to you. He also would continue to remember his unconfessed wrongs he did to you as he does his work, The wrongs done to you are awful Keep getting more clarity, observe, don’t react or interact with him. I had Divorce papers for 2 years before I said enough, Separated back together cycle. He just manipulated me and one counselor. Not our pastors do he left the church, should have been red flag, but I lived in hopium. Your on the right path keep adking wise questions. 🙏
Hi Leslie,
I really enjoy all your content, books and videos. It is the 2nd time I am reading “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.” I really do have a destructive marriage after 21 years. I took your tests in the first and 2nd chapters and have a 49/60. And all no’s in the 2nd test. We are separated for the 4th time. The problem is I am one of those mothers who fled abuse with the kids across state lines to live with my loving parents. But because of jurisdiction I am ordered by the courts to return our son to our original state where my spouse is still in our home. I do not have the means to live elsewhere so I feel compelled to go back to be there for our son. Otherwise our son will be again abused by his dad emotionally without me to protect him and help him stand up to Dad. How can I feel safe if I have to live with him again or nearby (no resources or job; currently I am a stay-at-home Mom.) Our son thinks Dad will get therapy and never yell at him again. My husband is assuring me that son will be safe. However he has told me himself that he cannot control his unpredictable outrages and I am just too sensitive and just need to forgive him. He now says that he will go to counseling (after I asked for a divorce – now its been changed to a legal separation) but has tried to convince himself and me that he cannot change and I just have to accept him as he is. If I leave him, he said I will be the one leaving a person who cannot control his mental illness so he asked to be absolved from the fact that he had any part in the dissolution of our marriage. I forgive him it’s just that damage has been done. I am in therapy to get stronger but I do not think that he should still use that as an excuse to continue to abuse us. Is it better to stay separated physically while knowing he might abuse our son, or reconcile knowing I am sacrificing for the greater good until our son gets older? Even if we get split custody 50/50 (because I cannot prove the emotional abuse) I cannot trust him with our son alone. Please help!
Dear Sister in Christ, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would encourage you to press into the Holy Spirit for guidance and clarity. James 1:5 promises is that whenever we ask for wisdom, God will hear and answer our prayer. I also encourage you to pray the Armor of God over yourself and your family every day.
‘Lord Jesus, I ask you to send legions of angels around Judy and her family. She is fighting a great spiritual battle. Give her the clarity of mind and wisdom to know EXACTLY what she must do, and the COURAGE to do it. Bring the right people into her life to help her in this battle. Soften the hearts and minds of the judge/legal system to do your Will. Protect her children from any destructive behavior, heal their memories from all traumatic experiences, and shield them with your Divine Love. In Jesus name I pray, amen.
Thank you, Leslie. This is exactly what I needed to hear right now.