Thank you for all your engagement regarding the stress of co-parenting. The problem is real and attempting to get the “other parent” to be different than he’s already shown you that he is can drive you crazy. Instead, strengthen your own mindset, communication skills, and spiritual armor so that you can continue to be the parent/person that you are most proud of whether or not he changes.
And, this leads me to our vlog (video/blog) for today. When I encourage women to #do their own work, I’m often misunderstood to be saying to a woman “if only you changed you, he wouldn’t act that way. That’s not true. Jesus was perfect and he didn’t change Judas, nor the Pharisees. But instead of feeling continuously frustrated and helpless because he won’t change or your marriage isn’t getting better, you can begin to #do your own work to get healthier and stronger. That is your best next right choice.
Question: What are my options if my husband does not want to change or dismisses me when I bring problems to him?
Answer: I think the only option is for you to do your own work. In our Conquer Support Group – we talk about two choices. Are you going to stay in the marriage? For whatever reasons that may be. Is it a good reason? Maybe your children are too little. Maybe you need to take some time to prepare yourself and get mature and healthy.
If you want to stay, then stay well. If you're going to leave, then leave well. No matter what you decide, you need to prepare to do that.
But the only option is for you to do your own work. This is why I say to put your marriage in its proper place. Everyone is so marriage focused right now and you’re panicked because you wonder – “what if my marriage doesn't make it?”
You don't know if your marriage is going to make it. Even if you are the best wife and you do everything right, you don't know if your marriage is going to make it. You can't control that. What you can control is you.
So how do you grow into a healthy, strong, capable, adult woman who can smile at the future unafraid?
Whether your husband's attracted to that kind of woman or not, is left to be seen. He might be and he might say, “Wow, I want some of that maturity too. Where'd you learn this stuff? I want to learn it too.”
Or he might try to squash you more because it threatens him. Sometimes we are married to an insecure person and instead of him growing, he tries to squash you so he doesn’t feel insecure.
Well that's absolutely not what God wants to happen to you. So I'm asking you – whether you do this through Conquer or you do this in another way. How are you going to take ownership for you? This does not mean that you don't care about your marriage, but that your marriage is not totally up to you.
[Tweet “You can't repair broken safety all by yourself.”]
But what you can do is work on you; whether you're too passive, you're too accommodating, you're too scared, you're too reactive and angry. Whatever you are not happy about with you, you can work on you.
And as you work on you, God will show you the next right step, and the next right step, and the next right step. So start taking your eyes off of trying to change him or trying to fix this and work on you.
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