Morning friend, So glad you are here. I’ve been watching comments on the feed and I hope you are all seeing your comments. If you’re still experiencing a problem posting or seeing your comments, please let me know.
Question: How do I overcome some of the awful and disrespectful things that my husband has said to me over the years, the complete indifference and invalidation of my emotional pain, and the damage that it has done to me emotionally and physically?
Answer: The short answer is by doing your own work. This could be in many areas. Physically by learning to regulate your body’s stress levels or trauma responses. Mentally by identifying some of the beliefs that you have that keep you stuck believing his ugly words. Emotionally by grieving that someone you loved did not love you back and harmed you through his repeated indifference. And, spiritually by looking for the bigger picture of the good or growth that has or can come from this painful time in your life.
What’s keeping you stuck from doing your own work to heal from the damage? If you were in a car accident and ended up in the hospital due to a reckless driver who left the scene, what would you need to do to heal from his carelessness and indifference? You would need to do your own work. Rest, tend to your injuries, get your body working again. Perhaps have months of physical therapy or other kinds of therapy in order to fully recover.
Sin always impacts us. Both our own sin and the sin of others. [Tweet “We are not responsible for their sin, but we are responsible for our recovery.”] It’s tempting when someone has so wounded us, to stay angry and stuck because we were victimized. And you were. But now what? These things were done to you, but what are you doing to get well? Heal? Grow? Thrive? Become strong not in spite of what he did but even because of what he did.
At a business conference recently, an attendee asked me what I did for work. I told her, and she laughed and said, “Oh I married one of those. He was a mean narcissist. It was the best husband I could have married.”
Confused I said, “Tell me more.”
She went on to say, “I was such a dependent people pleaser. I had no self. I was always bending into everyone, to make them happy. But being married to him was a game-changer for me. I had to learn to say no, to stand up for myself, to grow independent and strong enough to leave him. It was the worst thing and the best that happened to me.”
What your husband did to you was wrong. It was hurtful and sinful. But what he did is not a statement about you or your worth or value. It’s a statement about the kind of man he is. People rejected Jesus. They called him a liar, crazy, and demon-possessed. They lied about him, betrayed him, and abused him. [Tweet “Sometimes bad things happen to good people.”]
I hope you are not still living with this person. You do have choices. You don’t have to live this way. What would be your first step be to begin healing?
Friend, when were you tempted to abdicate ownership of your own story because of what someone else did to you? How did you take ownership back? How did that change the trajectory of your life story?
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