Morning friends,

It’s hard to believe that August is almost here. The older I get the faster time seems to go by. Do you remember as a kid how summer vacation seemed so long? Now it feels like a blink of an eye before winter will be here again. It makes the Scripture more real when it says that our life is like a vapor. All the more reason to live wisely and well.  

I’m doing a free webinar on August 5, at noon ET and 7:30 pm ET on Four Lies That Make Woman In Destructive Relationships Feel Crazy And Powerless. Click here to save your seat. 

Today’s Question: I was talking to a couple of friends about my husband’s behavior to get advice on how to handle him and they talked about spiritual warfare and the spirit of Jezebel and Ahab. They said that I need to pray until the spirit is cast out. What are your thoughts on that with a spouse who has narcissistic tendencies? 

A little background: Currently he goes to Celebrate Recovery, and there are some outward changes but not much inward changes. He doesn’t yell all the time like he used to but he still has his expectations. For example, he keeps telling me what I have to do and if I do what he wants then he will help me out, but he never holds his end of the bargain because he puts another stipulation on me to meet. 

So that’s why I am wondering if there’s really any correlation to spiritual warfare and a narcissistic individual. What are your thoughts?

Answer: I have never viewed or described abusive behavior in terms of specific demonic spirits or spiritual warfare such as a Jezebel or Ahab spirit.

The last portion of Romans 1 describes individuals who continually reject God’s truth. The more he or she does that, the more he or she becomes corrupt and deformed, both in their brain formation as well as their character habits, outlook, and behaviors.    

Scripture also describes these people as evil or wicked in numerous places throughout the Old and New Testament. 

Paul writes to Timothy warning him of such individuals.  He says, “For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that.” Later on, he refers to specific people who display those traits as, “They have depraved minds and a counterfeit faith.” (2 Timothy 3:2-5; 8)

Paul never describes these individuals as having demonic spirits that we must cast out, but rather as destructive individuals we must avoid and not allow to influence us. 

However, let me explain what most see as an Ahab and Jezebel spirit and unpack perhaps what your friends meant to communicate.  

Ahab was the King of Israel during the time of Elijah the prophet. Ahab is described as more evil than any of the previous Kings of Israel and married Jezebel, who was the daughter of the King of Sidonians and began worshipping Baal, Jezebel’s god. The Bible says, “Ahab did more to provoke the anger of the Lord, the God of Israel, than any of the other kings of Israel before him.”

We all know the story of the prophet Elijah, challenging the worshippers of Baal to a contest to see if the god of Baal could compete with the God of Israel. And the God of Israel won. But to Elijah’s dismay, Ahab, and Jezebel did not repent or change, they only got angrier and more violent and Elijah feared for his life.  

After this, Ahab tried to annex some land next to his palace, but the owner wouldn’t sell it to him because it had been his family for years. Ahab was angry and sulked, and Jezebel manipulated a coup where people would falsely accuse the owner of the land of cursing God and the King and then had grounds to stone him to death.  

Both Ahab and Jezebel hated God and hated what was good. They used their power over people wickedly and selfishly. Jezebel could be more covert and manipulative but both are unsavory, evil characters, but they are never described as being invaded by a demonic spirit. You can read about them in (1 Kings 16:29 to the end of 1 Kings).  

Christian people helpers who ascribe to deliverance ministries often use the language of being possessed by a demonic spirit to describe serious sin problems. The Bible says demons exist and may torment, or even possess some individuals. Jesus cast out demons from individuals who were tormented by them as did some of the disciples.  

Therefore, the question is whether or not a narcissistic person is demon-possessed or is he (or she) deformed in character and personhood? I don’t know if we can answer definitively but there may be some of both going on.  

But the more important question is this: Is spiritual warfare the solution to the problem of living with an abuser? And is spiritual warfare implemented to change the wicked character of the abuser? Or to ensure the sanity and safety of the victim? 

Paul tells us the importance of how we engage in warfare. He says, “We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments.” (2 Corinthians 10:3)   

He also tells us, “Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against ALL strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rules and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” (Ephesians 6:12)

But then Paul goes on and tells us how. The rest of Ephesians 6 talks about putting on our spiritual armor, starting with the belt of truth, and the breastplate of righteousness.  

It seems to me that spiritual warfare is primarily defensive, not offensive. This means that you must be vigilant to do your own work to protect yourself against the lies of the enemy. To work to learn how to discern what’s true from what’s false. To develop the muscles to be able to stand in the truth and walk in righteousness and not be influenced or intimidated by a narcissistic, charming, sweet-talking, manipulative, or evil person. 

It means you must learn not to fight evil with more evil of your own but instead learn to guard your heart, and walk-in CORE strength. You will pray for yourself and trust God and do what you need to do to stay clear of such individuals for your safety and sanity.

However, it seems from your question that your friends were telling you that if you engage in the right spiritual warfare, your husband will be delivered from his narcissism and destructive ways. This advice reminds me of the “the try harder advice” that many Christian women receive from well-meaning people helpers. That if you only try harder to love more, forgive more, submit more, respect more, admire more, pray more, be more patient and loving, then he will wake up and come to his senses and stop his abusive behaviors. And if he doesn’t, it’s because somehow you failed to try hard enough.  

By saying it’s your job to keep praying until the Ahab or Jezebel spirit is cast out of him puts the responsibility for his repentance on you not him. This type of teaching puts a lot of pressure on a woman who has already tried excessively hard to do what she thought needed to be done to make her marriage work, with no changes.  

It makes her responsible for whether or not her husband wakes up and changes. If he hasn’t, it’s because she hasn’t followed God enough or done enough or prayed the right prayers enough. That’s false teaching. Jesus didn’t wake Judas up, nor did he change the Pharisees. Was that because Jesus didn’t try hard enough? Or is it because each person is responsible for his or her own thinking, heart, and actions?  

Please don’t misunderstand. Prayer is important and I hope you do pray for your spouse to see the truth so that he will submit to God and change. However, God doesn’t change someone who doesn’t want to be changed.  

Jesus asked the paralyzed man, “Do you want to be well?” (John 5:1-9)

He asked blind Bartimaeus, “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mark 10:46-52)

If your husband has no interest or desire to be healed or delivered (whatever term you use), you can pray that his heart changes, but until he desires the change, the change will not happen.

God gives every individual a free will and He honors our no, even when it’s a bad choice. Click To Tweet

I’d encourage you to go back to your friends and ask them exactly what they meant by “You need to pray until he changes.” Does that mean you also need to keep putting up with his abusive behavior while you’re waiting? Ask them to explain in more detail what they think is your responsibility and what is his responsibility? They may be speaking from what they have heard without really reflecting on the implications of what they are saying. On the other hand, they may believe it’s your job to try harder to get him to change. But either way, you will know where they stand and will better be able to discern whether or not they are safe supporters for you as you move forward.

Friends, how do you practice spiritual warfare in reference to dealing with destructive individuals in your life?

55 Comments

  1. Moon Beam on July 31, 2019 at 11:56 am

    Oh, I can speak to this! My Narcissistic spouse underwent an exorcism. I was under a protection order at the time and living separately from him.

    My pastor called and told me about the exorcism claiming my husband was a changed man. I reconnected with my husband slowly and had a few dinner dates. Within three weeks he was back to his old behavior.

    He later confessed that he just “couldn’t let me win” anymore. He also revealed that he was moved by the exorcism. He said it was gut wrenchingly real and frightening. However, he also loved all the attention the elders gave him! He said Satan still actively pursues him and that he hears his voice.

    Today, my husband continues to choose to be abusive. He enjoys telling his stories about battling with demon voices and how various prayers and healing services never touched him. This reminds me of the passage of scripture that teaches that some spirits only Jesus can cast out. I am also reminded that not everyone gets better or is healed in scripture.

    I agree with the experts, Narcissism can not be changed not cured. The best and safest thing to do is to protect yourself from them. Narcissists are manipulators, the will wrap caring religious leaders around their fingers as the soak up the heady power buzz of fooling yet more people in authority.

    • JoAnn on July 31, 2019 at 1:16 pm

      Moonbeam, thanks for sharing your experience with us. It certainly exposes the false idea that NPD is the result of demonic possession. And I agree with Leslie’s observation that a person has to want to change. So, how do you protect yourself now? Are you separated from him? He seems to be happy to allow Satan to manipulate him….not the kind of person you would want to live with or be connected to.

      • Moon Beam on July 31, 2019 at 5:18 pm

        Yup, safe and sound. Living the dream.

    • Connie on July 31, 2019 at 2:35 pm

      Moonbeam, that is very interesting, thank you. My, they will brag about anything to get attention, won’t they? Anything to avoid giving up your life for His.

      Today h shared with me that it was driving him nuts that his Genesis group praises him for being so much more mature and vulnerable, but that I don’t agree. He just won’t admit that he’s fooling them, showing him his mask, and I see through all that because I have to live with him. sigh.

  2. Daphne on July 31, 2019 at 1:33 pm

    Thank you for this blog post. I was told to pray also and keep going into warfare for my marriage after 10 years of prayer and no change at all from my husband. He has free will and it’s a choice to choose to believe in Jesus. He is not my responsibility and I’m done praying and fasting. God bless you & thanks for the much needed clarity.

  3. Joy on July 31, 2019 at 6:42 pm

    Amen Sister!! Its ABUSIVE!! And at done point you just need to get out and safe!! Jesus didn’t say you be a doormat. He said you are wondrfully made and Jerimiah 29:11 wondeful plans for you that dont include living in abuse and subjecting your kids to it.

  4. Eileen on July 31, 2019 at 7:37 pm

    Love the scripture references for this. These kinds of people can be in our lives even as friends or family. The information is valuable beyond just marriage relationships. As always, thank you!

  5. Ann on July 31, 2019 at 7:39 pm

    I understand this post at a very personal level, “been there, done that”. We can pray for someone and, yes, do warfare on their behalf to give them a chance to see the light but they have to choose whether or not to submit. No warfare will ever force someone to submit to God. That goes against God’s very nature. I have prayed, done warfare for h. I asked God why h had no conviction! God replied clearly. He told me He DID convict him but h chose power over repentance. It shook me. Now the warfare I pray is for myself. I pray Jesus blood between myself and the spirits he chooses to align himself with as well as keeping physical and emotional distance. Praying for myself has helped me gain much greater clarity in my thinking. I believe narcissism is a willful alignment with pride which Job 41 associates with Leviathan. No one but God can break that. The one who chooses alignment MUST choose to humble themselves to break free. I also believe these spirits do literal, physical damage on the brain thus both sides are likely right. Only God can break it and only God can heal but the narcissist must choose it.

    • Aly on August 1, 2019 at 10:22 am

      Ann,
      I can relate to your post here. I also have experienced close company (friend and family members) and a narcissist or a highly traited narc on the spectrum will have nothing to do with a relationship that they can have power and control-superiority over.
      They go away if you invite them into a healthy equal value type of relationship where both people are honored and respected in the relationship.
      Through this invitation process there is also healthy boundaries and certainly requirements for the person who has behaved in an abusive way prior in the relationship. A highly traited narcissist type of person sees nothing wrong with their treatment of (you or others) and is usually pretty offended when expose their narcissism, control issues, or immaturity overall.

    • Nicole on December 14, 2019 at 10:40 am

      Ann, Thank you for your comments. I am coming into the unpleasant discovery that my husband operates in narcissism and pride and that after 19 years of being together no matter how much I have prayed for him, that not much has changed. I am starting the process of getting over the last disruption that sent me into emotional distress. After reading what you have written, I can say that I definitely saw early on where he willfully disregarded God’s leading in our relationship but because of the fact, God doesn’t like divorce and also because of well meaning church people in my life, I have tried to hang on to my marriage in hopes that if I just prayed more and tough it out that he would change. He is proving that this is simply not the case. I am praying for God’s leading in this matter. I have begun to set up boundaries with him about the way he will speak to me and when. I will continue to place boundaries even if it means physical and emotional distance. His ways are destructive to me and my children. If he chooses to ignore that, it’s on him and not me. I agree that there is healing for the narcissist. Only God can heal the sin sick, sin dense soul but he or she must be like the prodigal son and come to themselves.

    • leah on January 10, 2020 at 2:56 am

      Thank you Ann for sharing your reply from the previous, it has helped me put some thing’s into perspective for myself. I too am currently married to a Spiritual Narcissist and its like a roller coaster ride for sure! For the past 7years. It’s taken me until now to actually realize the truth of our prayers, and how God has given each of us a free will.Each of us are responsible for our own salvation through Christ with fear and trembling. It is possible for a narcissist to change but it must come from the inside out before any real change takes place. The narcissist must want to change. God does not force his self on anyone nor does God’s will over ride mans free will.

  6. Anne McCallum on July 31, 2019 at 9:50 pm

    My husband is a pastor and he is a narcissist who uses my health against me. He has emotionally abused me on and off for 40 years and physically assaulted me once. I’ve had two strokes and active cancer twice and am still in treatment .I’ve been battlling cancer for 6 1/2 years now and things got really bad 4 years ago. I am in chronic pain from to major back injuries from 44 years ago. He has manipulated the elders at church and my four grown children saying it’s all me. He told me that he’d rather see me dead than hurt me again and then denied it asking “Where did you get that from? That is gaslighting. I have been praying for him and forgiving him for many years but my husband is in denial. I had planned to report him to presbytery (his employers) but greatly fear retaliation because that is his pattern. He tells me no uncertain terms that I MUST change my outlook. Because the abuse is attached to my health issues…he demeans me , neglects me, (I could have died one evening due to a massive blood infecction) blames me….The secondary abuse from the church elders and my children and my poor health with all the abuse from my husband has left me hanging onto God and wishing I could go to heaven soon!!!!!! How can he preach and hide the truth when he is supposed to be a Christian? Satan has him so blinded but free will
    reigns!!!!!

    • Moon Beam on August 1, 2019 at 4:03 am

      Have you spoken to the national domestic violence hotline yet? It would seem you have much governmental support if you live in the USA. Try the department of the Aging too. You are vulnerable and have rights. Have you spoken to a lawyer? You deserve safe shelter and healthcare. It is available to you if you are brave enough to report your situation and move to alternate housing. Do you think you could do that? It would take courage.

    • JoAnn on August 2, 2019 at 10:02 am

      Leslie has made the point that you can’t heal in the environment that made you sick. Forget the “church” and all those perceived consequences….if you value your own life, as the Lord surely does, you may just have to figure out a way to leave. Ask the Lord to show you the way.

    • Thrive Jubilantly on December 6, 2020 at 7:34 am

      I’m so sorry, Anne. It sounds like you are in a no-win situation, humanly speaking. Have you considered separation to try to wake him up? Or would that be too radical of a move?

  7. debdeborahcollins on July 31, 2019 at 10:44 pm

    When my husband is ranting and raging and spewing his nasty and hateful words at me I tryly believe he has a demon. His voice can even seem to change and crazy off the wall things come out of his mouth! Sometimes he has even said that I am dead to him! Whether he has a demon I will probably never know. But I believe he can be evil. He even uses scripture out of context against me. And accuses me of not reading and studying the Bible long enough like him.

    • Moon Beam on August 1, 2019 at 3:59 am

      Deb, must you endure such treatment? Why?

    • SaraGillie on August 10, 2019 at 2:39 am

      Have you tried a binding prayer when your husband starts ranting and raving? Something like this: In the name of our true Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth, God who came in the flesh and by His authority, I bind all evil, unclean, tormenting and ungodly spirits from manifesting in my presence. (It’s good to be specific if you can.) It must be prayed out loud, but it needn’t be prayed loudly (i.e it must be spoken so any spirits can hear, but it can be whispered).

  8. ruth8318 on July 31, 2019 at 10:50 pm

    This lady’s friend probably isn’t too knowledgeable about deliverance. If the demon-oppressed person does not want to be set free, then you are better off leaving them alone. Also, if you pray a person into a place of freedom but they weren’t serious about changing and walking into their freedom (making changes), then this will happen ☹️:
    Matthew 12:43-45 English Standard Version (ESV)

    Return of an Unclean Spirit
    43 “When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none. 44 Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when it comes, it finds the house empty, swept, and put in order. 45 Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that person is worse than the first.

    • JoAnn on August 1, 2019 at 12:06 am

      Hi, Ruth. We haven’t heard from you in a while. How are you doing?

  9. Nan Clayton on August 1, 2019 at 12:50 am

    Leslie
    I so thank you for this blog. It spoke to me on so many levels. I have been married for 51 years in a few days and I have done everything I could possibly do to make it work but it just isn’t. I started off by trying to do an in-house separation and that has not worked out due to confusion on boundaries and continuing to do the same dance pattern. A week ago I realized that I cannot live well and be in the same house with my husband. I have been looking for a house in another town and want to separate but I have such conflicting feelings and have worried that I am stepping out of Gods will or that I just don’t have enough faith. I have such fear that no one will understand and that I maybe making a huge fear. But I am reminded that God does not give us a spirit of fear but a sound mind. Through reading your material I have seen that just maybe God does not expect me to stay. Husband is not my responsibility to fix and I cannot fix a relationship that is dead or broken by myself. Thank you so much for your ministry to Christian women.
    Nan

    • Moon Beam on August 1, 2019 at 3:55 am

      Nan, many of us have experienced the fear and hesitation to leave that you speak of. If you push through, the freedom you finally experience is beyond description. The peace you will receive will be like a balm and sooth your tortured soul. More forward with bravery and leave. You have done your duty. It is time to protect yourself. No one needs to understand. You do not owe anyone an explanation.

      • Libbie on August 1, 2019 at 8:49 am

        Moon Beam — Just wondering….Do you still keep in contact with your ex? As in, because of kids, etc? And if so, does it still hurt to see your husband go down a more self destructive path after leaving? I know that I can’t “save” my husband from himself, but I just hate seeing the hurt, loneliness, and self-defeating behaviors he is doing. I feel to blame because I left and took the kids. So– I guess what I’m asking is the freedom you feel outweigh the guilt from leaving a broken man? And when does it happen when you just don’t care anymore what they do to themselves?

        • Moon Beam on August 1, 2019 at 3:15 pm

          I don’t see him or speak to him Libbie. He is much too dangerous. Email contact only with the caveat that it is/can be reviewed by my lawyer and or his counselor.

          He didn’t get worse. He is exactly the same. He is just a self righteous victim now. You find him at church, leading trips to Israel, serving on the board of men’s anger groups, on the radio and serving in the community. He is a master, world class manipulator.

          • Moon Beam on August 1, 2019 at 3:21 pm

            Libbie, i didn’t completely answer your question. No, I don’t feel any responsibility for his situation. He needs the consequences of his actions. I don’t miss him a bit, never have since a left. He is a sick, sick man. I am not.



        • Jenny on August 3, 2019 at 5:28 pm

          Hi Libbie,
          I can sympathize. My heart is broken for my husband too. However we have to let them go and put them in God’s hands. That will be an ongoing part of the process of healing for me. Our husbands chose their behavior and God has given us that choice. However there are consequences. The guilt is from Satan. You are not to blame!
          Hugs!

  10. Janice D on August 1, 2019 at 2:03 pm

    I don’t think it’s a choice between not caring what our spouse does or feeling responsible to stay because of their brokenness.I care deeply about my husband and have chosen to separate from him.His issues and brokenness were there long before we married.He has refused to deal with his part in our marital breakdown and after 26 years I knew it was time to leave for clarity and healing.I continue to pray for him and leave him in Gods very capable hands.I didn’t cause it,I cant cure it,and I can’t control it.There is only one Savior and his name is Jesus.

    • Autumn on August 1, 2019 at 7:34 pm

      Janice, I think we need to tweet that one! Didn’t cause it, can’t sure it, and can’t control it. Amen!

    • Aly on August 2, 2019 at 8:08 am

      Janice D,
      I’m sorry that your husband chose and continues to chose to not face his own (part). I think it takes such Courage that God has offered for you (which you have received) to move along and as you said -leave for clarity and healing. Praise God for this and your participation on this blog!

      It’s been a journey for me and my own recovery to accept that not all individuals (professing Christianity or not) want HEALING and transformation. We can’t have healing without truth, and we can’t experience true love from Christ or others without truth.
      I will say that when my husband saw me attend Alanon for a time, it made him curious. It opened another area of dialog that helped me ‘hand back’ his part that he kept handing to me!
      Many think that Alanon only relates to spouses married to Alcoholics.

  11. Christine on August 1, 2019 at 3:54 pm

    Thank you Leslie. This was so well explained and helpful, on so many levels.
    Christianity and the Church become so complicated at times!

    My husband is not narcissistic, thank God. But sometimes when we argue, and we both lose self control (the Spirit’s control) and act in the flesh, it is ugly…and there must be evil forces at work because it is not Godly, that’s for sure.

    But demon possession is on a whole other level, and extremely serious. You know it when you see it. It’s supernatural. I have a brother who did drugs, was an alcoholic, and involved in the occult…and a family member saw him possessed. It’s truly horrible.

    But prayer for God to give us wisdom and discernment in all these situations is so important. The more God is in control, the better for everyone!

  12. Janice D on August 1, 2019 at 8:55 pm

    Autumn, I believe it’s a slogan from Alanon.Its been very helpful to me as I am learning to walk out of the fog of my marriage and into truth.I am finding that it is as we are willing to face reality that help is provided.God is not the author of confusion and I believe He brings clarity to us as we humbly submit to His wisdom.Praying for all on this site who are bravely seeking to walk in integrity.

  13. Karen Herring on August 6, 2019 at 4:52 am

    The question above is “Will spiritual warfare prayers change a narcissist?” The answer is we don’t know. But please, I encourage you to pray anyway.

    Pray because God tells us to pray. “Pray without ceasing.” (1 Thess. 5:16) “Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit.” (Eph.6:18) “Pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.” (Matt. 5:44). “Continue earnestly in prayer, being vigilant in it with thanksgiving.” (Col.4:2)

    Pray because prayer changes us. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil.4:6-7)

    Pray because God does hear and answer. “If you remain in Me and My Words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” (John 15:7)

    Pray like Jesus prayed. “‘Abba, Father,’ He said, ‘everything is possible for You. Take this cup from Me. Yet not what I will, but what You will.’” (Mark 14:36)

    • Autumn on August 6, 2019 at 7:01 pm

      Karen, do you have any experience with domestic violence and Narcissism? I love your scriptural references, and respect your opinions, but I don’t think the application of those scriptures are suited for this situation. Sadly, this kind of advice often perpetuates denial and keeps many Christians chronically victimized.

      • Karen Herring on August 13, 2019 at 8:48 am

        I do.

      • Elicia on January 29, 2021 at 11:55 pm

        She was simply quoting scripture about prayer, I didn’t see any “advice” being offered. Perhaps you must- interpreted.

    • Mercy TaffyN on March 25, 2020 at 3:42 am

      I was in a severe emotional abusive marriage, we had prayer warriors pray around the clock. I do not know maybe we were not doing it in God’s will but it actually got worse. It’s a cycle with lovebombing etc and you can mistake it for your prayer being answered but then after lovebombing the situation can get ten times worse. I am looking for someone with that testimony that their prayer works because exhusband declared that he would never change. I think he was the severe narcissists-malignant narcissist

      • Andrea Blanchard on November 13, 2020 at 3:54 pm

        I’m realizing that when God makes a move, the enemy retaliates and it is palpable in the physical what is going on in the spiritual. The worsening behavior is a sign that God is answering your prayer and is convicting the heart of the person and they are literally wrestling Him and the wrestling goes on for as long as that person resists. God respects our free will, so he will never MAKE someone repent, but we can pray that God will bring that person to repentance through chastening (if they are saved) or bring them to the place of repentance through your fervent prayers that this one may have the opportunity to accept the fact that they are a sinner and need Christ. I’m am still learning about this process and I know it took the Lord, for me. several months sometimes nearly a whole year (depending on how stubborn) to finally surrender control to Him. I believe that God can take a wolf (Saul of Tarsus) and turn him in to a sheep (Paul the Apostle), becuase Steven right when he was being stoned asked God to not hold this thing (his murder commissioned by Saul of Tarsus) against them and that speaks GRACE! Leviathan cannot breathe the oxygen of grace.

        • Thrive Jubilantly on December 6, 2020 at 7:26 am

          Andrea, it may sound faithless, and I have seen powerful answers and miracles, but the type of men Jesus describes in 2 Timothy exist today, and they simply do not change. Women in Leslie’s Conquer group cite their husbands’ words and actions, and are astonished to find out each seems a clone of the other. The wives, as well as most counselors, as you have probably heard, report a straight across the board change rate of about 1%. Maybe, probably, there are spirits prompting these things, but nonetheless, the evil is so malevolent that women get physically sick trying to stay, and eventually break beyond repair. I was one of those.

        • Maryann Cabot on February 1, 2021 at 12:46 am

          Amen Andrea

  14. Victor on February 14, 2020 at 11:51 am

    I have read the blog comments. I am the narcissist in the marriage and I am desparate to change. I am signed up for counseling with a Christian counselor. I have done and said so many hurtful things to my wife over forty years. How could she have bared it? Hopefully the blog will inspire me to be different.

    • Brenda on August 30, 2020 at 8:33 pm

      This gives me hope. I have been married 28 years tg o a narcissist. I am curious where u are at now

    • So2 on September 17, 2022 at 7:11 pm

      Victor, What was it that made you realize you were a narcissist vs. just mean and not appreciative? There seems to be very clear patterns for narcissists…be they malignant or covert. Which kind were you?
      . What advice do you give Christian women in relationships with narcissistic men?

  15. Mercy TaffyN on March 25, 2020 at 3:32 am

    I have recently been divorced,my story is painful and sad but I realized 2/3years into the marriage that i was married to a narcissist. Before this painful episode of my life, i was a sweet,innocent,loving and God fearing soul but today I can’t say i am the same. I have bitterness and resentment,the sweetness is now sour.

    My former husband used to tell me i am stupid,never allow me to communicate as a wife in a free way if i had any minor or major issues. I was always trying to change and then something happens again,i am blamed and told that forgiveness we will add from the previous issues giving a total number of years before he forgives but for other people he would be loving and forgiving. I was told i am a male chauvinist,an asexual,sapiosexual because he used that department to punish me. I was confused half the time and i had more problems besides him in that my first child was a special needs and he died my second child almost died at birth and has serious health issues i had many sleepless nights besides the narcissist problems i had.

    One day in his usually way of putting me down in conversation i burst,i shouted at him and told him back every single word he told me. I was so angry because I couldn’t take it anymore,i was not allowed friends,church,monitoring my social media but he doesn’t want to talk to me. I also lashed out at him. I regret lashing out at him not because i am a Christian and i did not conduct myself according to christian doctrine.

    I pray i will one day heal because he said some nasty words concerning the first born who passed away and it further angered snd broke me. I was angry because i kept trying but the accusations would keep piling and he would forgive other people not me.

    I am still in severe pain because the divorce wss done in an unfair manner,he lured me into signing consent to giving him our son on the promise that we can work things out after. I blame myself everyday but i lost my child, and i regret investing my time with him.

    I am picking up the pieces of my life but i am struggling with severe hopelessness. The society i live in will tell you there is no reason to leave a man/husband especially if he is not physically abusing you just stay. I tried to communicate to several people that i needed counseling but especially to tell them I couldn’t live in that environment, I pray i heal. I am depressed and am looking to God.

    My mother is a prayer warrior,we had several prayer warriors praying for him but it did not yield change it got worse. I am not saying there is no power in prayer but i am sharing my own experience.

    I got married,gave birth to a special needs child who died and struggled to have another child who almost died and has asthma. I have been put down,scolded,belittled by ex and his family. I am a laughing stock in the community and people feel sorry for my family because our family isba prayerful family but the problems seem to continue to multiply, i am severely hopeless but i am trying to remain positive but i feel being dead is better than being alive at this moment.

    Only God knows why,i still look to him but i am giving up. I acknowledge my sins but my life is in ruins. I wish i never married him,I didn’t know what narcissism is and i was so naive and in love.

    • Thrive Jubilantly on December 6, 2020 at 7:12 am

      Mary, I left my h, pregnant, after 15 years of marriage. In an effort to do right by my son, I too believed my x and left my son with him temporarily. It cost me not seeing him for 10 years. I cannot imagine losing a child, as you have, and in a way, both. I remember when xh stole custody by lying, I wanted to die, and had I not been pregnant, I might have. Who knows….

      In the last 2 paragraphs, I hear something, maybe a reason for your depression? Do you correlate sinfulness with your and your family’s series of unfortunate events? You said your family is a praying family, known in the community as such? So it looks as if God is not powerful? You also said that you confessed your sins..BUT your life is in ruins.

      I’d encourage you to remember Job, whose misguided “friends” stand by, watching him, judging him, reminding him he was a sinner, as if that caused Jobs issues. Then there was Hezekiah. Hannah. Joseph. Naomi/Marrah. Anguish describes each and they cried out from their anguish. God answered. They each found their “after” with the Lord.

      My “after” is 30+ years later, 14 grandchildren. Out of what I learned, some can help them. Nothing happened to you, that won’t help you in some way in your future. Those people judging you will be a distant memory one day.

      Your “after” will come.

    • Matt Mark Gudelski on December 25, 2020 at 6:03 pm

      I’m sorry to hear that. I lived with kin who was similar. I had to cut him off, get him out of my life. Mark chapter 9, if they hand causes you to sin, cut it off. Leave the wicked person. Many people walk in darkness. Colossians 1:13, who have delivered us from the power of darkness and translated us into kingdom of his dear son. Many people have unclean spirit and follow satan. You cant serve 2 masters. A Christian has humility and other is pride. You can determine by how person acts and deeds.

    • Alex on October 6, 2021 at 9:01 am

      Please don’t give up on life !!! God sees your pain and every tear. I just realized that I live with Narcissistic husband of 21 yrs . Couldn’t understand him, his silent treatments, the emotional abuse, lack of support , constant dramas , fights for stupid things. Feeling being used as a slave. Worked hard all my live to support my self and kids . My emotional state driven to feeling wanted to die. If it wasn’t for Jesus I would have jumped from the bridge from emotional abuse . But know this that God watches over you , he sees your pain . Just keep telling all the pain that is in your heart to God . Take one day at a time, do something you like . It takes time to heal. Know that God will turn your suffering into blessing . Read promises of God. Listen to encouraging messages on YouTube , everyday is fight in the mind to stay hopeful but keep trying don’t give up. Pain is real but temporary our Jesus is alive and He is today tomorrow, forever the same ! He is the healer of Brocken hearts!

      • Erin on March 20, 2022 at 11:42 am

        Are you still with him?

    • So2 on September 17, 2022 at 5:39 pm

      Mercy, I recommend you read “Blessing Or Curse: You Can Choose” by Derek Prince. You will not heal until you forgive him. Also, Gateway Church did a wonderful series 10yrs ago called, “Free Indeed” mostly by Pastor Mooris. You can watch the entire series free on YouTube. Most American churches are oddly afraid to discuss demons and deliverance. Yet 25% of Jesus’ ministry was just that!
      Anger, unforgiveness and bitterness open you up to demonic oppression. Not possession. If you belong to Christ and are born again, washed in His Blood, then you cannot be possessed…but all Christians can be oppressed…and it is obvious they are doing a good job at destroying your life and hope of experiencing joy in the Lord. As long as you hold unforgiveness in your heart, you are giving them legal right to torture you. I think we all forget that forgiveness is a mental CHOICE, not a feeling. God didn’t metaphorically wake up this morning and love you because He FELT like loving you because you’re so special…right? He loves because He CHOOSE to love you…regardless of you deserving it…which none of us do….He is JUST THAT GOOD…. Thank Him for that! He has given us a throne of Grace for us to boldly approach Him…when it so easily could have been a throne of Judgement.
      May God show you the way sister. I think there is a lot more going on in your life and family’s history and his family’s history than what you have room to discuss here. Just remember, if you choose to obey He will bless you and He has a great plan for your life.

  16. Matt Mark Gudelski on December 25, 2020 at 5:47 pm

    They have unclean spirit, jesus tells you in luke. When unclean spirit is cast out, it wanders in desert. Then comes back to person if found swept clean. Person is worse off than before. Roman’s chapter 9, I will have Mercy on whom I have Mercy. And harden whom I harden. God’s elect have holy spirit, rest are blinded, romans chapter 11. They will have to wait for millennium to be completed before running up to Jesus.

  17. Melissa Brume on March 5, 2021 at 10:03 am

    No. Prayer, does not “work”, in my opinion. They just keep, more-or-less pulling you down. A pastor told me, mine needed ‘salvation’. I had bailed, by that point. However, I had come back to check on his well-being, and welfare…The power was shut off. There was no power. He was disheveled, dirty, and had a spider-bites, weeping through his jeans, pants leg. I said, “You need salvation”, going to collect some of my things, walking past. He said, “I don’t want to hear it”. But, mine always rejected going to church, and leading any kind of Godly life, when I’d mention these things. I don’t feel, that prayer worked with mine, in any sense. But, the whole relationship, I feel…gave me a good ‘wake up’ call (?) ..

  18. Matt Mark Gudelski on March 7, 2021 at 1:13 am

    A abuser you cut out off your life. Mark chapter 9, if thy foot causes thee to sin cut it off. Its cutting the abuser out off your life or whatever is causing you to sin. It takes time to heal from the pain. Forginness is very difficult, I finally forgave my abuser I moved away from . You dont have to have reconciliation with the abuser. Its healing on your part from bitterness and resentment. I’m not judging anyone, everyone will appear before judgement seat of christ, Corinthians chapter 5. They reject christ, and refuse to follow path of righteousness, its going to be sad day for the wicked , many take the wide gate to hell, Luke chapter 13. Anger, wrath, bitterness, hatred, get it out of your life, its poison. The abusers life is poison, they follow after the flesh, not the spirit. Apostles Paul taught in philippians or Corinthians, about running a race to the finish line, its striving to enter heaven, let the malefactors ruin themselves, if they reject christ and choose the dark path. Listen to God and obey God.

  19. Anonymous318 on June 30, 2021 at 11:27 pm

    I honestly don’t believe all the prayer in the world will change a person who simply doesn’t want to change, or doesn’t see the error in their ways….usually they don’t even believe change is necessary on their end. It’s all about making the other person out to be the “bad guy” and trying to manipulate THEM into changing.

    I’ve been married for 5.5 years and I didn’t begin seeing a lot of true colors until after about the second year. On top of addiction problems (drinking, marijuana), inability to consistently work due to constantly either being insubordinate or simply not showing up, etc…I dealt with countless infidelities, controlling behaviors, silent treatments when he was angry at me not allowing controlling behavior….rages that ended with our home looking like a scene out of Mr & Mrs Smith (because I took our baby and left). Just a mess. Our pastors were always my first call. They prayed, they attempted to counsel…none of it mattered because he had his mind made up that everything and happening was my fault. He simply doesn’t receive everything they tried to pour into him. The last straw was him having a child with someone else while we were separated. And saying it was my fault for putting him out (even though the separation was, on my end, to force him to get himself together so that we could work on our marriage). At that point, my spiritual leaders were encouraging me to leave the marriage. It’s not a place for me or my children. I did all that I could.

    • So2 on September 17, 2022 at 8:42 pm

      Anonymous 318, I’m so glad you got out! He sounds like the narcissist I just left. Thank God I was only engaged.. He was not drinking or doing drugs at first because that was part of the lovebombing phase. He admitted to me once that he feels like there is someone else inside of him and I told him there was! I told him let’s get rid of it with a prayer of deliverance but thus far he has refused. I have not gone zero contact, but have been gray storing him. I have recently joined a powerful prayer group and God put it on my heart to pray for him as if he were my husband until November. I agreed I would, but I think possibly it’s God’s way of showing me the pain He has spared me from if I had indeed married to this person. I see all the posts from all the other women and it is just heartbreaking. Thank you all for sharing your stories, you have saved me from a life of torture. However, my question now is, HOW do we ever learn to trust again? Both our own personal judgment and the potential mate’s honesty? I prayed before going into this relationship and was not given any glaring red flags. I went slowly into as well. In fact it was so beautiful because we would call each other at night and pray and read scripture together before going to bed. I miss this, but I realize now it was all a lie. So how can we ever trust again???

  20. Yasmine Lopez on September 23, 2021 at 12:44 am

    I desperately need help to cast out narcissistic coworkers who constantly say and do things to mar my professional reputation. I work hard and I am tired of going from one job to the next because of the toxicity of narcissistic people. Please help!!

  21. Sedric on June 12, 2022 at 8:57 am

    Hello Leslie!!

    I pray that the hand of our Father continue to be on you and all generations to come. Your reply to the lady was well rounded, wise, and in line with the word of God. They were insightful to me also as I am dealing with the same situation. Mainly, discerning if the behavior of the person is a mindset or fruit of their spirit.
    One thing is for sure, I will continue to focus on what I control (me) and seek God’s direction.

    Thanks for being a vessel of “The Word”!!

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