This Week's Question: I filed for a divorce 10 months ago, after reading your book and standing up to the abuses. I have no regrets and feel like I fully understand the depth of oppression I was living under. But because I’ve been in weekly counseling and am receiving wisdom and clarification of the pains from my own childhood, I feel like I have come to a place of full forgiveness for my husband.
I do not wish to reconcile because he has made no changes that I know of. I feel like we live on two different planes- as far as our belief systems go and can't imagine us ever living together again. But because the Lord has revealed to me my own healing and all it took to get here, I have compassion for my husband.I have not seen him nor spoken to him in 10 months. Would you recommend my going towards him with a redemptive letter, one more time?
I know what seems impossible to me, is not for the Lord. I don't want to slam any doors shut completely, until the Lord tells me so. Any thoughts? Let me say I am personally thriving. In everyway possible, the Lord has been my husband. I only ask this question, to know I have done all I can.
Answer: I hear your sweet, humble, grace-filled spirit in your question. You wonder have you done everything you can do to save your marriage. Let me ask you a question. What more do you think you could do? If you wrote your letter of redemption, what would it say?
I imagine you’d want to share with your husband that you fully forgive him. You’d want to share all that God has taught you and the healing that has taken place in your heart. You’d want to express compassion for his own stuck and sinful places and empathy for how hard it is to look deep within and make that decision to get help.
And then what? I think that’s where it will get a bit confusing for you and perhaps confusing for him. Are you saying that you are willing stop the divorce and give him time to look at his own life and get healing? Are you saying that because you’ve forgiven him and are now healed and understand that we are all sinners, you are willing to “try again”?
A letter of care and concern showing him how you have grown may be helpful to you although I’m not confident it will make much difference to him. You have not heard from him in 10 months. What do you think that means?
Making repairs to a marriage that has shattered takes acknowledgment of the problem and consistent effort towards healing personal and interpersonal problems. You have taken those brave steps but has he? If not, then what is it you sense God calling you to do?
I hear that it’s important that you feel confident that all efforts to bring reconciliation from your end have been exhausted. So perhaps this letter will help you bring closure to that worry. On the other hand I want you to be crystal clear that despite what God has done in your heart, you alone cannot fix your marriage or your spouse.
Friends, share what steps it took for you to find that closure – that you have done all that you can to reconcile your marriage.
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