Hi Friends,

Thanks for all the lively comments on the blog post about the video, Fred et Marie.   I love the community spirit fostered here as well as you sharing your experiences, praying for one another and giving encouragement and support to those who are just waking up and realizing that their marriage is in trouble.

FYI I am starting a new 2 session group on Tuesday, June 3 called Moving Beyond Pleasing: Learning to Say No and Set Boundaries.  If you’d like more information on this group click here.

This Week’s Question:  Where do I start?  Throughout our 18 year marriage my husband would belittle me and stare at other women in front of me and our son.  I would get upset and tell him I thought it was disrespectful. He would tell me that I was paranoid and needed help.  I couldn't understand why he was always so angry and moody. I have felt like no matter how much or hard I tried to love him and make our marriage work he was never happy or satisfied with anything. I tried to get him to open up and share a life with me. I wanted us to go to counseling, he refused and told me that I was the problem and I was controlling. So I went to a counselor so I could try to help me to be a better person for him and our family. He would blame everything on me.

Two years ago my husband confessed to me that he had sex outside our marriage. At the same time he also confessed that he thinks he is a sex addict. I told him I was confused that how can you be an addict if you only had sex one time? That's were the (dribble) started. Over the next year, little by little he told me that since we were dating and throughout our marriage that he has cheated on me with multiple women. I have been so hurt, angry, lost, and confused. I feel like he stole something that was so precious to me and I don't know how or if I can get it back.

I feel like he has been a bomb that has blown up me and our family. I feel like I have body parts laying every were and he looks at me and says oh well I don't know what to do, you need to fix it yourself. I have loved him and we have a son together. I have felt so lost. I didn't know what to do. I was told to not make any rash decisions about divorce so I told him I wanted him to move out. We were separated for 6 months but due to me being a stay at home mom and for financial reasons he moved back home after 6 months. Since then I do see that he has gone to counseling for his addiction (a men's group teleconference by phone once a week)  and he did attend a 12 step program (not any more). He also started going to church. Now he does not want to talk at all about what he has done and how it has affected me.

We both get very angry and argue. I feel that he could care less about me and how much it has affected me and hurt me. He just wants to act like nothing ever happened and he wants us to be this happy little family. I have tried to read up and research on sex addiction to try to understand about him. He has not wanted to do anything to try to learn or understand what I'm going through. I feel like he doesn't get what he has done. He shows no remorse for what he has done. He get angry and has thrown stuff and punched holes in the wall. I have tried to explain to him and say how would you feel if I had done all of these things to you. He just says either I don't know or he gets angry and we argue. I wanted him to try to understand why I feel so hurt and angry so I went out and bought him a couple of books for him to read. I think he may have read maybe 2 chapters in one book and that is it. He tells me he is doing everything he can and to just leave him alone. But his attitude makes me feel like he doesn't care about me at all.

I am so tired and frustrated I feel he doesn't care enough about me and what all of this has done to me. He won't see a counselor or even to try to understand how much this has hurt me and affected me. We did see a marriage counselor but the counselor was sympathetic towards my husband and his addiction. The counselor told me that I was just bitter and to get over it. I felt like not only am I trying to get my husband to understand how much he has hurt me but I have a counselor telling me I was just bitter and to get over it. I was furious. I told my husband that I wanted to try to find another counselor that would help us. He hasn't wanted to see another counselor since.  I feel like I'm finally trying to stand up for myself and not let him intimidate me or manipulate me anymore but all we do is argue. He has said to me that I just need to forgive and let it go but I can't because of his attitude.

Please help I don't know what to do.

Answer:  Deep down I think you do know what to do but you’re afraid to do it.  When someone grievously sins against you and refuses to make amends and repairs to the relationship, the relationship is seriously broken.  I think your husband’s confession may have been to clear his guilty conscience or it very well may have been to hurt you and make you feel more insecure, but it doesn’t sound to me like it was a first step in repairing relationship wounds.

If your spouse is truly sorry for hurting you by his sexual unfaithfulness, then he would show it by his actions and not hide behind his addiction or his anger.  If an alcoholic drove drunk and killed someone, saying, “I’m sorry” means nothing.  If he were truly repentant he or she wouldn’t use his/her addiction as an excuse to not make a heartfelt apology to the family of the victim or pay the legal or financial consequences.  He or she wouldn’t say, “you’re bitter” or, “just forgive me”.  Sorry means you make amends to the one you have hurt, expecting nothing in return.

You also indicate that your husband did the twelve-step program but if he did those steps, he would have implemented steps three and four, which involve doing a thorough moral inventory of things he has done to hurt others and make amends where possible.  From what you describe, he expects amnesty rather than making amends.

Hear me:  One of the most crazy-making strategies of an abuser is to act in outrageous ways and then when you call him on it, to act as if you are paranoid, hypersensitive, or overreacting.  He shifts the focus from his bad behavior to you.  In this process you get distracted either defending yourself or examining yourself, “Am I paranoid?  Did I overreact?  Am I not being Christ-like here?  Why am I not willing to forgive him?”

Sexual addiction counselors know that part of the necessary process for healing a marriage requires that the addict make full disclosure to the spouse for all sexual activity outside of the marriage, as well as to give her plenty of time allow the spouse to ask questions, express hurt and angry feelings and work together on these things as long as it takes to rebuild trust and their relationship.

So my question to you is this:   Is your marriage in a better place since he disclosed his infidelity?  If not, why not?  Is it because of your hurt?  Or because of his unwillingness to be accountable and truly repentant?  Or both?

Instead of trying to fix him, which you cannot do because you have zero control over him, it’s time to work on taking care of you.  Why would you want to continue living like this?  Why would you subject yourself to HIV or other STD’s knowing that your husband has been repeatedly unfaithful and you see no real change?  Words are meaningless when the actions do not match.   You have a child to take care of.  Is this a good environment for him to grow up in?

Please don’t misunderstand.  [truth]Galatians 6:1[/truth] says that we are to help someone who is caught (stuck) in a trespass to be restored in a spirit of gentleness.  Mercy is important as we are all stuck somewhere.  Perhaps not in sexual addiction, but maybe in food addiction or some other idol that claims our allegiance and heart over God.  But when someone is unwilling to really do the heart work, the hard work of change, then the next step is implementing consequences.

There are times that one’s motivation to change only happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of making the change.

Friends, share what consequences you have implemented when facing your spouse’s addiction – whether sexual, drug or alcohol, or something other?

52 Comments

  1. janice' on May 21, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    Sometimes you just have to take a step back and ask yourself “What is it about this guy that I love? ” To put it plainly.( and i think we Christians want to sugar coat everything) the guy is a jerk and not a very nice person.Leave now and start being the person God has created you to be. There is plenty of help out there. No one should ever put themselves in harms way as you are doing and as you get stronger in the Lord you will not need to be around evil people like you husband. Your sticking with him and expecting him to change or understand your feelings is a form of idol worship.

  2. Dianna on May 21, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    Thank you for the willingness to ask this hard question and share broken emotions. I applaud your vulnerability. Too many of us have or are experiencing the unrepentant sinful behaviors or others equally harsh that ruin trust bonds. Then we wonder why and what did or should we do to change this, being patient and trying and trying too long. It beats us down; our spirit, mind, body, energy, joy and confidence.

    In my case, there were a few situations that were repeated and not okay to continue. I won’t get into the details. The choices I made were to seek legal help when I was threatened and had to leave the house…not physically but things were escalating dangerously in the middle of the night. To my surprise, my husband could and did end that kind of behavior.

    Good, godly counseling helped for some time. He was willing to take the counselor’s advise as to how to treat me. I, was getting help to overcome grand anxiety, too.

    Discussions quit later at night, I resolved not to continue in being obsessive in staying up until things were talked or argued out. I just had to make a clear and hard stand. It worked.

    I learned to walk away from abusive talk. We had tried to use hand signals, to show when things were too much, but that did not work so well. I found that not entering into the off-the-wall statements, remarks to defend myself or to make sense, did not. I walked calmly away to another part of the house.

    When I could not stand things or felt clearly in emotional abuse (I did not know that was the term, at the time.), I took a few belongings and left for a few nights. Sometimes that was in the car in a lighted parking lot.

    I also turned to medical/mental health professionals to get help. I came to insist that he go to them for help when he was so frustrated. He had/has good insurance. That helped quite a bit.

    I separated three times for from two months to almost one year because of such tension. It seemed to work at some level but we did not know how to work out real reconciliation like Leslie’s materials teach w/ a knowledgeable counselor. I found it hard to find knowledgeable counselors who did see the situation as it was; not taking sides.

    I separated from sleeping w/ my husband for several months because of the sexual addiction and I finally realized that I needed the sleep. He cannot or will not see that he has an addiction. Yes, he did try CR and that did help. A counselor friend told me that he would need to be in counseling and in an accountability group to overcome.

    I have separated for the last time and we are working out the details of divorce, as peacefully as possible. I finally admit that I have to face the truth, quit trying, quit enabling and take the steps that God has for me to be healthy and to overcome the contributions to the emotionally abusive cycle of our marriage.

    I am not sure that we could have overcome many communication, behavior, realism – relationship problems that we both brought into the marriage. I wonder if we had a knowledgeable, godly counselor who would work w/ us on reality, not enabling one another…of course w/ our commitment to truth and hard work, if this would have been a marriage that could be savaged.

    I really believe that the keys are in being committed to God’s ways of living; willing to see truth; being committed to truth; learning how to communicate honestly and how to confront assertively make a marriage work through the baggage and ups and downs of life.

    One thing that I forgot to mention is that listening to one’s gut instinct is an important. So many times I ignored that or just believed w/ no good reason that things would get better.

    Also, the times that I have been able to be most honest and vulnerable w/ what I could see what was happening and how it effected me to my husband, better communication happened. It was hard and not enough but was helpful. I wonder if that, too, would have made a positive difference if I had had the courage to bother to pursue more honesty?

    I don’t know how the person asking the question can do anything but separate for the length of time it may take for her husband to face the truth and take personal responsibility.

    Best wishes and prayers for your situation.

  3. Linda Sylvia on May 21, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    I am right now, today, this very moment packing my house and moving into an apartment after 32 years of marraige for something very similar. I also separated from my husband a few years ago for four months and he seemed to have done some changing, but went right back to his old behavior (only worse) once we got back together because he was not humbled. I can tell you something that you really need to know right now. It hurts to leave and you will cry a lot, but right now if you stay, you will pay for it through your children. All 3 of my children have suffered terribly as adults and one of my sons is working (and I mean really working) through a sexual addiction himself, which he has actually recently coined a “self-addiction.” Your husband is NOT repentant, and your counselor sounds like a very poor counselor to me, suggesting that you are the problem. True repentance is very easy to spot, and is consistently bearing the fruits of repentance. True repentance starts with humility, not deflecting and blaming. Your husband is consistently bearing the fruits of his flesh. He does not want to face or take responsibility for his sin or himself. No one can tell you what you should do, and I won’t, but I can tell you this: God cares about you, and He sees all of this pain. He will take care of you, and you do not have to be afraid of doing what is RIGHT. Doing what is right means not allowing your husband’s self-deception to continue. You are doing him no favors, and you may even be inhibiting God from bringing that man to his knees. Get out of the way and let God be God.

    • Dianna on May 21, 2014 at 5:09 pm

      Linda, well said! Good advise and honest, godly encouragement. Helpful, hard experience on how staying in unrepentant abuse effects the family.

      God’s best to your new start in building a real ‘home!’ I hope to be moving into my own, new-start ‘home,’ soon, too.

    • Carolyn on May 21, 2014 at 7:01 pm

      Linda,

      Well said! Especially this line: “True repentance is very easy to spot, and is consistently bearing the fruits of repentance. True repentance starts with humility, not deflecting and blaming.”

    • Leonie on May 23, 2014 at 8:54 am

      I am seeing so much of my life in your situation. I have put up with it for way too long. I discovered that my husband visits massage parlours about 3 years ago. I got the impression from him that he had a friend he was helping to quit using these places but I had no idea he was doing it. I was completely naive when we were dating & got married, not even knowing these kinds of places exist. I began noticing that he looks at really young women all the time & then he blows up at me if he sees that I am noticing him doing it. He is in his 50’s but girls that are 15 & 16 turn his head. I have learned that ‘when I am on to him’ he has an extra mean edge to him, obviously I am getting in the way of his ‘hobby’ and then ‘I have to pay’ – it almost seems like he is demon possessed at those times. I haven’t found massage parlour phone numbers for about 6 months now but my trust is completely gone, I am sure he is just getting better at hiding things. I am trying to not throw him under the bus and I do pray for him & love him because I know ‘that world’ is such a contrast from being at home with a godly wife & innocent & precious child. My heart aches because there must be millions of wives & women who have cheating husbands because this industry has exploded in recent years. I know I am not alone.
      His behaviour to me is horrible, I recently put him on notice that I will leave if he can’t be civil and I can see he is trying lately.
      He is so defensive & says he will never go to counselling and always accuses me. I have been squeezed from the inside out until I have nothing left to give. He refuses to acknowledge that he hurts me and takes out all his crap on me. I refuse to be his garbage person any longer and am on the verge of moving out. I know he wants to stay together but I don’t think I can. He is not transperent with me financially and hides everything. He has a ‘second layer’ of banking to deal with me as though I am some kind if criminal who is out to get him. He thinks that if he dies I will give his money to my kids from my 1st marriage, my older kids are not allowed to babysit our 3 year old. My big kids are such good kids and everyone is always amazed how nice they are, kind, friendly, social, good students … They really are, I am amazed at them considering all we’ve been through together but all he can do us yell at me about them. I don’t get it, they are all making something of their lives and I am so proud of them.
      I have a lot of fear about leaving because my first ex used the court/legal system to abuse me for years after we separated. God has been so good to me and has always been there & provided so I should not doubt his love and care now, I like Jerry’s advice that there is help out there and not to go it alone. I realize that I am not seeing any repentance from him in the long run but only defensiveness, explosive anger, blaming, lying and an intensified effort to hide everything from me. He is always telling me I have evil motives and is very paranoid about me, I am always astonished what he has decided about me. I am thinking those things must be true about him otherwise where would he get such ridiculous ideas. I didn’t hold a gun to his head to make him marry me so just don’t understand the paranoia. I have only been kind, loving, generous, accepting and trying to have a nice life, marriage & family with him and all he can do us spew all his poison on me as though I am an enemy. It is exhausting and I know God doesn’t want anyone to live like this. I can really see how satan operates, the poor man has no peace but it of his own continual choices. He comes to church with me, the choice to choose God is in front of him, he hears the truth from the pulpit, from this brothers and from our devotionals that we read. I think if I leave it will bring him to his knees but I will not return unless I see true repentance.

  4. Brenda on May 21, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    He has said to me that I just need to forgive and let it go.

    I have heard that very sentence so many times that I could scream. He made NO attempt to repent, take responsibility, accept accountability, make amends or any other evidence of change. All he has done was with a motive that would only benefit himself. Your H is doing the very same thing. He wants you to sweep years of his sin under the rug and move on until the next thing he does. He is not going to change. Protect yourself and your child. Get legal advice and stop the insanity. You deserve better. Don’t enable him any further.

    • Dianna on May 22, 2014 at 5:41 pm

      Brenda, well said and good, short explanation of how true change happens.

  5. Jerry on May 21, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    Leslie,

    Thank you for speaking frankly and Biblicaly to this wife. Regarding my past behavior:

    “We addicts will twist the truth a wife sees into a falsehood and make her feel crazy and then blame her for my poor-sinful choices.”

    This husband gives every sign of relapse and he most likely says, “I’m sober from sexual sin”. Yet, he displays the characteristic of a Brahma Bull in a China shop. He needs some stiff consequences and it starts with your decision to move to another place. You may have to compromise on being a home school teacher or working outside the home. Family members and friends will need to rally around you one more time.

    The bottom line: Get out and get help [don’t work alone. Stay united!]

    God bless,
    Jerry Sinclair
    Marriage Missionary

    • Leslie Vernick on May 21, 2014 at 6:42 pm

      Thanks Jerry for your words of encouragement to me and to this wife.

      • Elizabeth on May 21, 2014 at 7:16 pm

        Thank you, Jerry. I hear so few men be as honest as you are. I thank God for you and pray His blessings as you minister this kind of loving and bold truth to them. I wish someone had done this for my husband. Instead they all avoided the conflict and tried to change me. I am grateful for all the changes God has made in me and the relationship I have with Him!

        • Dianna on May 22, 2014 at 5:44 pm

          Jerry, thank you, too. It helps to hear a godly man in marriage ministry speaking God’s truth and supporting others, like Leslie, who do so. I is my prayer that sexual addiction can be openly dealt w/ for men to be godly overcomers for Christ’s sake. The adversary has such a strong hold on these men and on the families and church families.

          Thank you.

  6. Kathy on May 21, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    My story is very similar, even to the counselor part of it. I had to come to the point of accepting that he was not interested in change. It took a long time to accept that because I didn’t want to give up all that I had; family, stay at home status, my home… When I finally accepted that he just wasn’t going to change, I then had to decide to protect me. My sons were in their freshman year of college and I didn’t want to ruin anything for them. I told my husband that I accept his decision but “I have to protect me.” When I spoke to my sons, I discovered they wanted me to protect me! They seemed to draw strength from my decision. I have moved out and started divorce paperwork. There were a few years of trying to bargain and it took raw courage to stop and call the boundary. I have gotten nothing but support from my family and my brother has even stepped in for the boys! God is good!
    It is very hard and I cry rivers of tears! But I see confidence in the faces of my sons. They have written letters to me stating how proud they are for the strength I have. I realized they are still learning from me! Learning to stand up and say, no more!

  7. Joy on May 21, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    Let me recommend a great online support group for the wife. It’s called New Life Partners and is made up of wives and girlfriends affected by their partner’s sexual addiction who support each other. You can find it at http://www.nlp.org It is a closed group and anonymity is protected—and it’s a Biblical-based group. These ladies helped me so much when I was going through this issue with my (then) husband, and they referred me to resources that helped me understand better what was going on and that his addiction wasn’t my fault—and that God is faithful no matter what the outcome.

    • Dianna on May 22, 2014 at 5:46 pm

      Thank you for passing on this resource for all of us.

    • STORMY on October 6, 2016 at 7:04 pm

      i WENT TO THIS SITE AND IT SEEMS TO BE A TRAINING SITE.

  8. Stephanie Weldy on May 22, 2014 at 12:32 am

    I’ve experienced what you’ve written almost entirely, especially about the counselor being sympathetic towards my husband and hard on me for not being sympathetic as they thought I should be. Counselors act like sex addiction or pornography addiction are like smoking…it’s not a good habit, but it’s so common, so get over it. My husband refused to talk to me like the counselor said to do and always got extremely angry when I brought it up, even though I didn’t want to, but was following the counselor’s directions. I didn’t think he was repentant, so I’m glad the man commenting earlier confirmed that. I really thought I was going crazy until I got away, got counseling, and learned how addicts worked. That knowledge especially has helped me withstand his assaults.
    I would say that the farther away you can get, the better. Getting away from him will save you and it’s the only way to know if he’ll repent. I left a year ago and my husband is more defiant than ever. He hasn’t apologized to me for a single thing in a year. Lots of words, but no action. The proof is in the pudding. He’s got alot of people feeling sorry for him, but I’m the only one willing to hold him accountable. I’m still showing him love by doing that. I’ve had to start a new life without him, because the one with him was destroying me and my job is to serve the Lord, not my husband’s destructive behavior. I have to move on now, but it’s so.much better than living in a toxic mire.
    You’re not alone and there are many of us that know what you’re going through in part. Trust the Lord for the wisdom to know what to do next. He hasn’t abandoned me and He has provided every step of the way this past year. Let the Lord be your protector and provider. May God bless you and your family.

    • Peg on May 30, 2014 at 8:54 am

      Stephanie, I wanted to comment on a few things you wrote which are soooo very true! Knowledge of addictive and abusive behavior patterns and thinking patterns is so important in helping a person move away from that kind of existence. Once I discovered through extensive reading and viewing videos what abusive behaviors are and how to begin dealing with those behaviors, I was on a mission!!! Also, you wrote that by holding your husband accountable that you were showing him love! That is absolutely the truth! Anyone who glosses over his behavior is really endorsing his behavior and attitudes. And abusive people look for that—-they look for the comforts that enablers will bring to them. Once I realized the “tricks” of his trade, I was able to put together a plan and I stuck to it! I also found that once I made it known within our church that my husband was being abusive and mistreating me, he became even more defiant and hostile toward me. He didn’t want the truth to be revealed! I am at peace now after the divorce (he filed for divorce because he didn’t want to do the necessary work to reconcile) and I know that God extended His mercy by allowing this divorce and by providing knowledge and helpful people and books and sermons to move me out of a marriage that was destructive!

  9. Jaci on May 22, 2014 at 7:25 am

    First of all, I am so sorry, for I too know the pain of this experience. In addition to sex addiction, my husband also became a drinker. After many years, + his anger which escalated to the abuse that you describe (& he hit me), I told him that he was no longer welcome in our home. Hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life! He did stop drinking and after 2.5 years we moved in together again, but the sex addiction was still there. We counseled, and while he would admit to the problem, him empathizing with me of how I’d been affected was mostly absent. I think that this is part of the addiction; that is, what causes them to be addicted (a feeling disorder?). We have been through so much and are quite close emotionally today, and I can tell that he is sorry for our very bad years, but he still avoids sharing details & discussing the feeling part (both of our feelings). I can tell that he immensely enjoys that we are (emotionally) close once again … that is, spending time together, peace in our home, and even though there is little se*ual intimacy, we hug & like to hang out in the same room together. Once I realized that I could never change his behavior, I had no choice but to change my behavior. Many things happened …. I began attending a 12 step group (wonderful & life changing for me as it gave me a backbone!!!), I was subsequently diagnosed with stage 3 cancer (this REALLY changed my focus), and I prayed for God to take away my sexual desire for him. To protect my heart, I stopped being intimate with him and I told him why. I can tell you with 100% certainty that my husband HATED his sexual addiction, yet it was his default behavior (for us, there were no other “real” women). I don’t know how much today he still looks a p*rn (hopefully he isn’t), but I’m not worrying about it anymore. God has worked a true miracle in my husband as far as his drinking and anger, and I believe the p*rn, too. I decided that I would not tolerate the destructive behaviors, and so we are no longer dealing with that. My husband has told me that as he “ages,” the desire for p*rn has greatly diminished. We’ll be married 28 years this month. I am glad that we are still together, especially for our children, but I’ll be honest and say that if I had the opportunity to live my life again, I would have separated from him a whole lot sooner than I did … for my own heart’s protection. I did not know if we would divorce when we separated, but looking back, this would have been better than living the nightmare that we were in. Dr. Phil says, “children would rather be from a broken home, than live in a broken home,” and I agree. I wish that we women, in real life, could be a bit more transparent about our struggles so that we can join together to support & love on each other when we need it most. A LOT of marriages deal with this, but few are talking about it. I wish you great courage & strength of character. You didn’t cause this & you cannot cure it, but you can change how you allow it to affect your life. God’s peace & great love to you today.

    • Dianna on May 22, 2014 at 5:51 pm

      What a great redemptive story. Thank you for sharing and God bless you as you go through this illness. I wish I could so this in my marriage. I tried but it has not been enough and the sexual addiction escalated and I was to be a part of it and was being emotionally punished for not participating or accepting his addiction. I did not harp on him or try to change him but he could not take not having the closeness of that intimacy that I could not be a part of due to the addictive part. There were no other women in our relationship, either. Thankfully.

      I am glad that your husband and you could find a place of mutual intimacy that is working.

  10. Jane on May 22, 2014 at 9:59 am

    Dear Ladies,

    Thank you so much for sharing!! I am learning a lot!!

  11. Jen on May 22, 2014 at 10:41 am

    Separated from my ex-husband December of 2012. Divorce final December 2013. I lived with the same kind of man for more than 12 years. I just decided I could not take anymore. I have medical issues including Lupus, which was diagnosed during our marriage. I’ve been in remission for months!! I’m finally free from the stress of my husband’s addiction, which has continued after our separation and divorce, and finally healthy and able to get out of bed. Please hear me, I learned I deserved better. I couldn’t fix or change him so I changed myself. The funny part is my kids and I have never been happier!!

  12. Brenda on May 22, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    Jen, I’m pushing the amen button. I am so glad that you are healthier and you and your children are happier. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis while married. It seems to be much more controlled being away from the stress. When X shows up unannounced my symptoms go off the charts, but for the most part feel much better. I wish the best for you and your kids.

    • Dianna on May 22, 2014 at 5:57 pm

      I have to agree w/ Jane and thank all of you ladies for sharing your stories. It has been educational, sobering and good to hear of women who pulled out of the mess to face truth and be responsible for their own lives. May God have glory in changed, renewed lives for His truth. You are setting such a great example to your children in how to break the cycle of sin w/ tough love. May your choices help the men see some of the great cost that addiction is and have the courage to face their truth and get help, too.

  13. Dianna on May 22, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    How very sobering that we are living in such an epidemic of sexual addiction! Oh, that the church hears and sees and faces this fact!

  14. Upholding the Truth on May 24, 2014 at 10:31 am

    I’ve been studying this blog for a couple of months, I’d like to say, I just stumbled across Leslie’s books and blogs, but come on just like most of us it was divine and time. From what I can see most ladies don’t like to discuss these issues, so the post here is short. There seems to be so much sense of failure if your husband uses pornography ect. Let’s just reiterate that is a lie, you haven’t failed or caused any reason for his failure, it’s just more of that switch it on to you tactic. The similarities of these men are astounding, and here we were each one of us thinking we were alone, or no one could possibly understand, another lie, bondage of lies, I call it. My Bible Believing Churches will be the first to admit other churches false doctrines, and laugh sometimes at the foolishness of some ordinances, but being ordained by God to withstand pain and suffering in the name of God,(by submitting to all your husbands sins) is blasphemy. To reckon oneself dead in Christ to be used by Christ. By Christ not Man. Woman was created in the image of God, as well as man, so man could be complete, how ugly that gets with sexual addictions, this does not complete man. We know how empty this leaves them. Sex is the blessing on the oneness, not the whole complete oneness. We could write a whole book on individual roles of women, a book about being one with your husband and all it involves scripturally, on being a mother, helpmate, daughter, teacher, worker, ect. The lists vary some but our roles are distinct we have been given power to become Sons of God, that is our primary role as Christians and ungodliness is sin. My point is these men are so similar in every aspect I’m going to be bold enough to say probably more than most are guilty here too, weather we found out or have in the past, it is probable, we are talking about men who don’t respect God, woman, children, rules and love themselves primarily. Self gratification is their main goal in life. I have studied one for 24 years now, until I came across Leslies broadcast accidently on Jan. 22 of this year, the same day I begged God to show me what to do to help myself and my children, I heard two minutes of her broadcast and didn’t even know who she was, but was repenting for leaving my house for two nights to get away from a hateful man, when all I heard is sometimes you need to leave and get a hotel if you must, the guilt vanished and it can for you too. My husband was caught on internet porn 8 years ago and you know what, it killed me ripped my heart out and that day God gave me a song, just before I found out, I’ve never felt the same about my husband, it’s called consequences, but I’ve had to forgive, it was after I just gave birth to our fifth child and I was hemorrhaging quite a bit and sick for months, needless to say most areas of my life slacked so I could recover. my fault you see! I pray over my sons, for protection because this is common even with non abusive marriages, but probably very common in abusive marriages. I’ve been implementing the strategies in Leslie and Lundy’s books. At first they worked and my husband was nervous, it’s like I was reading him like a book, what took years for Lundy and Leslie to find out we ladies know well, we just didn’t know others were like this too. So this makes us interns of abuse. We did our studying backwards, think of all the credentials we have to help others. You know I’ve noticed the men are not the only ones alike in these issues, we are very much alike I’m sure Leslie will agree. You see yourself as weak because you believe that lie, that’s what he needs to feel strong. See the Bible says we are the weaker vessel and a man leading the family the way God intends is strong in love and leadership holding us up at times, but because we are strong, because we trust God and get our strength from him, because we admit our weaknesses, they want to tear us down, because they are not going to move, because that takes work and repentance, devotion and inconvenience which most abusive men hate, so for him to feel better you have to look bad too. Especially to the children, because everything is a competition with them. My husband doesn’t like bossy or weak women, most of us are God fearing hardworking, people pleasing, accommodating till we drop type. My husband critiqued Leslie’s book and said he would not repent. So you know where I am now back to the beginning. Well I’m praying and learning and I would like you ladies to pray me a peaceful summer with my kids. If he will show me a permanent way of peace and praise in my home.And make a way for it, or change my husband. Sadly, most don’t change and I’ve excepted that, but as a believer there is always hope, regardless, I have no control over that, even so Lord Jesus com quickly.

    • Dianna on May 25, 2014 at 10:35 pm

      Hi, I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty. Such pain, anxiety and remorse I sense from your words and the way they flow. I recognize this because I have felt the same way. I pray for God’s wisdom, peace, strength. compassion for you.

      You mentioned clearly that your “husband critiqued Leslie’s book and said he would not repent.” That sounds like he will not be willing to change for whatever reasons. To me, the reasons are not so important but that he has made a definite, willful choice not to repent. I would question his respect for you and your children as human beings created by the sovereign God. It seems that your husband is in a mind-set that is dangerously rebellious…especially to the God of the universe.

      As one woman/human being created by God, the Creator, to another, I would look or look again at the short videos that Leslie has one her website that define specific issues regarding emotional abuse. Especially the ones about: what happens if there is no change, building CORE strength and sanity.

      I read that you have read Leslie’s books and blogs but have you found the videos? They are short previews of her book, where she gives a clear overview of a subject from ‘The Emotional Abusive Marriage’ book. I have found them to be short and helpful to clarify w/o taking much time. Often, to refresh my thoughts and during especially hard times, to help me from feeling so overwhelmed.

      May I suggest that you get a safe exit, temporary or otherwise, made for yourself and children, in case you should need it.

      I do not remember reading from your post that you have a support group, just for this kind of problem. I have heard good comments from women getting great emotional and other support from their local domestic abuse shelter system. I do not think that a person has to be in the shelter to take part. My understanding is that there is a wealth of helpful and useful information given from caring and knowledgeable professionals, also. The most attractive find has been the support from woman who can empathize w/ what you are going through, which helps in so many ways.

      I thought it was interesting and true that we are most knowledgeable about whatever kind of emotional abuse is going on in our households but we did not know it. I, for one, had to have it taught to me but, I learned quickly because it was so obvious in my life and home.

      I will definitely pray for you and your family. I hope that you will be able to implement the suggestions in Leslie’s books and videos, unless you can continue to live w/ your husband’s current state of unwillingness to repent…because the sin will continue and decay your family, unfortunately.

  15. Diane on May 25, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    I highly recommend the weekend New Life Live ministry offers to women. Dr Sheri Kefir and her panel of women do an amazing job of speaking truth and equipping you. I think they call it “Healing Her Heart” it used to be called Women in the Battle. If you absolutely cannot make it to the weekend, Healing is a Coice weekend is also excellent. And their online community for women is excellent.
    Also – send your husband to Every Mans Battle weekend. You’ll know when he gets home how willing he is to heal your marriage.

  16. Upholding the Truth on May 26, 2014 at 12:20 am

    Thanks!

  17. Upholding the Truth on May 26, 2014 at 12:49 am

    I have other friends currently behind me in this process, who agree they are in similar situations but need to be martyr like. They are curious about my new found hope and happiness, though I sound anxious or remorseful I’m beyond that now this is excitement like a faith renewed, I don’t have to be the martyr any longer in this situation, I have hope! I would really love to meet other women who are further along then 5 months into recovering, but I have church members, neighbors and parents who are standing close by. I feel released from the need to be right before God in my relationship to my husband when his behavior is wrong, as though I need to help make him right. What a load off, I have learned finally, I am responsible for my happiness, just mine. I’ve heard it takes two to make a relationship work, but only one to destroy it. I will look over those videos, but I love books and I usually read and reread. I can not wait to see my redeemers face!

    • Leslie on November 3, 2015 at 4:45 am

      We wives take on so much responsibility for our husbands. I finally learned that it is more loving to hold him responsible….it is more loving to point out how he had sinned against me and how his lack of repentance was killing our relationship and his relationship with his children. My husband was arrested and still would not be broken and humble. It was always someone else’s fault. He is out now and still trying to tell people it is my fault. I was so lucky to find a good counselor and a I have a wonderful church that is willing to walk with me through how to deal with unrepentant sin. It is time for everyone to support women in this battle and help them believe they are worthy of love and protection…..able to speak truth and not be torn apart as bitter and mean for it…..and give them the ability to see clearly and face this monumental sin in a way that honors their children and their own bodies. (mybautifullybrokenlife.com)

  18. Patty on May 26, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    I think of pornography as pretty equal with having sex with a real woman. Isn’t that what it says in God’s word? I would not continue to live with my husband if he was keeping another woman or keeping up his pornography habit. Since I can’t control my husband or watch him at all times, the only way I can be somewhat assured that he is abstaining would be if he was interested in sexual intimacy with me. Why should I be denied sexual intimacy so he can continue to commit adultery in his mind and heart? Should I be satisfied that we get along and are friends? I call that friendship but not the biblical marriage that God designed. I hate to sound judgemental of women who are accepting this but I do wonder if this is not a form of enabling. Is is keeping up appearances, is sexual intimacy in a marriage not that important? I have a friend who is in this kind of marriage and she will talk highly of how her husband is her best friend, yet she is suffering from compulsions from this hurt, this rejection. Any kind of sex outside of the marriage bed is a very serious, very difficult addiction probably more difficult than drug addiction since this intimacy is part of how God made us. I don’t believe a man can totally stop having this desire, and meant to be between a husband and wife, except to break for prayer. I am also missing my husband’s desire for me and know that it is being met by ungodly ways. one more reason for our divorce, in addition to all his emotional abuse.

  19. Brenda on May 27, 2014 at 7:27 am

    Patty, I can’t disagree with you. Porn and any acts that go along with it is sexual immorality and enabling if it is not addressed. In my mind and I believe biblically it is lumped in with adultery. Physical intimacy is important in marriage and if he is filling his needs with another woman whether in a book, computer or in person he is neglecting your needs and is not your best friend. Friends don’t treat friends that way.

  20. Peg on May 30, 2014 at 9:17 am

    I would encourage those of you who are dealing with husbands who are involved in porn to look up Patrick Doyle’s youtube counseling videos. He is a Christian counselor and he openly talks about his addiction years ago and how God convicted him to go to a strong Christian male friend to admit it. The Christian friend guided him and held him accountable for his sinfulness and insisted that he reveal all to his wife which he did. Ultimately, Patrick received God’s help as he prayed and had others praying with him for a good period of time. But he tells of how he fell back into it and had to go through the accountability process again and he feared losing his wife. He is now a wonderful Christian counselor and he talks straight about how God brought him to conviction and repentance. He says that going straight by what scripture states when one is addicted to sinful behaviors is the ONLY way to change! Without strong Christian men to hold him accountable and stay beside him all the way to recovery, he would not have been successful in kicking the sin! The only way out of sin is through doing what God requires and that means seeking God until He grants repentance. God changes hearts and because He changes hearts, behaviors change. If a person is NOT willing and NOT interested in changing, then most likely change won’t occur. I have watched many marriage counseling videos and many behavior counseling videos. I really got a lot of confirmation from Patrick Doyle’s videos.

  21. Stacy on May 30, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    I have been married 24 years. This kind of thing has been happening the whole time. I did not know. I don’t even know why he got married. He is very intimidating and angry. I need to leave or do something but I have paralyzingly fear. He threatened to do some horrible things if I leave. I do not know how to get past my fear. I know it is not true, but he seems bigger than God.

  22. Mary on June 2, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    So many stories, so similar yet so very different. I started going to counseling and Leslie Vernick’s books, “Highly Destructive Relationships” and Highly Destructive Marriages” were recommended to me and I was in awe that everything she wrote was my life for the last 12 years. The difference in my story and some of the ones told in response to :My Husbands Sexual Addiction is Killing me, is that i have dealt with emotional and verbal abuse for the entire time we were together, it came in spurts, worsening as the years past, to the point that i avoided life in general. I didnt see my family at times, just to avoid conflict at home. I all but lost my friends, because it wasnt worth the hassel it would cost to meet them for lunch or go shopping, I would hear about it at home, that I didnt call , or answer his call , or took to long, stayed to long, //// even at the grocery stores…. Dont get me wrong, He is a great guy, Everyone thinks so, (just like”Fred et Marie” ). The only times it became physical abuse, is when I would have enough and argue back. Which was not many times. I had told him over and over each time that it only gets easier each time he was abusive, for me to care less and less. The danger in that, I NOW realize is that, Now I really dont care and I dont feel much of anything, about anything. So much so, that for the last couple of years, i have only been going through the motions of being a “happy married couple” for others to see. Yes, we both went to church, Very active, He could fool anyone with his biblical knowledge. He had me totally fooled. (One reason I could not understand how he could be so controlling and abusive). When we met, I instantly fell in Love, he was exactly the man I longed for. A good Christian man, that knew God’s Word. I am telling you all this, to get to the point, that just 9 months ago,from now, I found out through a family member of his, that he had a secret life of sexual addition. It had always been there, I just did not know it. The night I found out about it, I spent 3 1/2 hours looking at photos and emails he had shared,sent and received. This was just too much for me to comprehend. I still see it as , I have never know this man. It was all a lie. I understand that his abusive nature was a sympton, caused from the frustrations of his sin. He “thought He was Saved”. He has truly repented and has accepted the Salvation from our LORD. For this I am truly thankful. Thank you so much LORD. During our Seperation my Husband asked me to postpone the Divorce Hearing so that he could have time to show me that he has truly changed. I did as he asked. 6 months later, I had the Divorce finalized. I do not feel the same. I am not in love with him. He has changed me and even though I was aware of it before, I was never aware of how much I had changed. Like I said it was easily 2011 or earlier that I had really started “Going through the motions of looking like a happily married couple.” My family is happy, telling me that they are so happy to have their sister back (i am still not fully back but working on it) I still talk to my husband. But as a stronger person now. I dont feel intimidated to bite my tonque and keep quiet. :Yes, I miss him terribly. But I missed myself and my life more. I do not like who I have become. I stayed for the reason, i wanted to be a Godly wife and I told myself in the later years, “He was going to one day realize just what he had” , how unhealthy was that? I truly believe that God sent the family member to me to save myself from the life we were in. My husband does not understand why I cannot forgive him for the past and see that he has repented and changed. I truly do tell him. I DO forgive you, I DO see the changes, I am so very happy and thankful he has changed. I thank God everyday that he has saved him. But I have changed in the course of our relationship.

  23. janice' on June 2, 2014 at 7:19 pm

    “He is a great guy.” No, no no. He is not a great guy. Why do women have to sugar coat things. He was not a nice guy and who knows if he will truly change for good.Why waste your life waiting around for something that might not happen. Live your life to the fullest and follow God.

    • Leslie Vernick on June 3, 2014 at 10:19 am

      I had the same reaction – he’s a charming guy is probably more true than a great guy. Charmers can be con artists but they do fool a lot of people.

  24. Peg on June 3, 2014 at 10:16 am

    Mary, what a rough journey you have had! I think when we discover that what we have been living, thinking, loving, and doing has all been a BIG lie, it changes us bigtime! When we discover the completeness of the betrayal by our spouses, it is a trauma to our spirits and hearts! As you wrote, you got lost in all that shuffling and struggling! You wanted to be “Mary” again and that was not possible as you lived in the midst of a total lie! I experienced something similar! My spirit could not thrive in the abusive marriage and I learned that during the separation time. You are blessed to have at last come to a place of peace and strength. God bless you as you continue in your new journey beyond the lies and abuse.

  25. Peg on June 3, 2014 at 11:20 am

    I agree, Janice and Leslie! As I read Mary’s post, it struck me that NO, this guy is not a great guy! Yes, he has fooled people at the church and he can be a charmer. My ex-husband did the same thing. People just couldn’t believe that he could do the things I told them he did. But my pastor saw it firsthand in counseling and so he could confirm it! However, he didn’t see the worst that was dished out! He saw enough! So, it’s sad to me that some have a hard time accepting that the guy who was supposed to be a good lifetime marriage partner is NOT a GOOD person. He is a deceiver and has an evil heart! I would also have to see the fruits of his life over a LOOOONNNG period in order to be convinced of the change. I often wondered how it was that my spouse could have charmed me so well that I BELIEVED that he was a true Christian man who wanted to honor Christ in the marriage. The desires of my flesh (humanness) betrayed me and I now see that. Finally, I have accepted the total betrayal and have no idea in my mind that my ex-spouse is a saved human being. However, I do pray for his salvation!

  26. annette on June 7, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    i would have to say , you are right he doesn’t care! , about you, your family and even him self.My husband had told me after years of verbal and mental abuse on me, my family and his on , an affair with his friends wife “and this couple were Christian friends of his family” then he started be violent during sex. At that point I was so shocked two months later I told him I was leaving. He started opening up to me ,he told me she and he had been confiding in each other,he said he had been violent during sex because he was angry,then he said he had been under the influence of an evil spirit. I was in dis belief he was blaming the Devil, I shock my head and kinda laughed in disbelief.A week later he came back to me and told me he was wrong he didn’t under stand what he was saying and that he didn’t know what “confiding in” meant at the time he had said it the week before. We went to a secular counselor, because of the sex , porn ,and the affair “he will not admit to the affair” . This counseling did no good, as my husband feels justified in his actions. He even went back and tried to be around this women and her husband again.That was two years ago, I had call her husband he would not believe it,I told his parents they didn’t believe it. It was KILLING ME in side I was going crazy ,that was last year.I went to The Life Care Center my church i had went to for years,i stopped going for a few years .Look i could go on and on about this bipolar, crazy, two faced ,lying, manipulating, passive aggressive,sociopath and pot head who drinks also that I’m marred to . I was terrified and hated this man for all he had done to me and how he has used me for years “23” ,i stayed because of money ,and looking back now God had something planed that I didn’t see then,because i was to busy looking at what my husband was and wasn’t doing. Last year i started praying for God to help me “change Me” ,I have learned and under stand everything happens in Gods time.I know longer need my husbands or his family’s validations. As long as I’m living the best life God has for me and I react in a Christ like way. no one else’s opinion matters ,For the first time in my life I LOVE MY SELF . My husband is being nice,it looks as if he is trying,But he still will not be honest. God is my first and last thought of the day . I have even found a love for my husband again “compassion”. I see all of this as my journey to wholeness and know matter what happens in my marriage, My Awesome God Is Still On His Throne !. Two years ago i would not believe i would have peace, That’s because i was looking to my husband to give it to me.He cant he’s is not the one who calms the sea . Your husband is not God, don’t look to him to give you truth and be just to you. He has been the vessel that pain and heart heartache has came through. My life started changing when I Looked at things like this My husband is not a Godly man even through he thinks he is and has others fooled. If I knowing follow an ungodly man when i know what is go on, this is wrong I’m going to be held to a higher standing before God. I’m his child, I don’t know what my husband was and is thinking most of the time. So I have placed boundaries in my life “my husband did not like this”.I talk everything over with my counselor who is a pastor and has had a chance to talk with my husband. But my husband is deficient to any Godly advice,he says “I sabotaged him” by going with out him. “look don’t be fooled be the games your husband will play to confuse you and make you question your thoughts and what God is tell you “. I will lift you up,Look Up My Friend God Is Your Defender !.

  27. Andrew kelvin on May 16, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    Getting my Ex back

    my name is Andrew kelvin from UK i had a problem with my wife sometimes ago but never knew what the problem was,i tried to asked her but she refused to tell,me what it was as time goes on i discovered she was having an affair with a friend of mine that happens to be my best friend,i was so sad that i never knew what to do next,during my search for a way out i met a friend of mine who had similar problem and introduced me to a man who helped him with his situation,on getting to the man i discovered he was a spell caster i was shocked because i have not had anything to do with a spell caster in my entire life so i tried to give this man a chance cos i never believed in spell casting as i thought it will not work for me but to my surprise i got positive results and i was able to get my wife back from him even after the spell caster did all i discovered my wife fell much more in love with me on like before so i was so happy that i never know what to do for him so i am using this opportunity to tell anyone on this blog having similar problem visit d.rrivershebalisthome@gmail.com ..i am sure he will help you.you can also email him now okay

  28. Bobbi on June 3, 2015 at 4:44 am

    Hello my name is B.
    My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for almost 1 year now. I’m 25 and he is 30 years old. I found out about his porn addiction two years ago and our relationship has gone down hill from there. I found out by catching him with a provocative picture of a female he knew on his phone which he got from Facebook. I questioned him more and more about the picture and learned there was a lot more to this sin then I thought. Found out he is addicted to porn and has had a problem with it since his younger years. I have found many sites he belonged to and double profiles as well. This has been over the course of the past two years. His porn addiction goes from actual porn videos and picture to provocative pictures online to just pictures of women. He also has a really bad wandering eye too when we are in public. My husband was on a tour for a year with the national guard as well. While he was over there not knowing he was watching porn all the time. I don’t know if he just hid doing it or it was because of the tour but when he came home he started having a problem with touching himself while he slept. I’ve asked him over the years to try and stop to get help but nothing. I haven’t slept in a bed with my husband in over two years. By the way we also have a one year old daughter too. Three days ago I finally let out everything on my husband and told him things have to change in order for our relationship to get better, that I was tired of Doing all the chores, and just being in this relationship alone. It was really really hard but I told him that I forgive him for everything he has done to me in the past present and future. And that I will no longer hold him accountable for past mistakes. I told him that we both have to be better spouses. I’m hoping it works but I came up with an idea we took the dry erase board and are marking how many days he has gone without porn or anything he would use in his discretion on the board. With rules like no lying, no looking, or cheating. And to support each other. I also restricted the Internet access on his iPhone so that it is harder for him to look at porn. I have the password, I also made it so he cannot download any apps either since he had downloaded another web browser specifically for porn. I told my husband in only trying this to see if it works if it doesn’t then we will try something else. I just want to help him so that we can finally live a happy and healthy life. I reminded him it’s all about willpower. I really hope this works. I have been praying more too and reading scriptures. I want to talk to him about confessing to the lord his sins and praying more too. If you have any advice please help. I’m honestly just trying to come up with ways to help his addiction, since we don’t have the money for counseling. I seriously don’t know what else to do, please help.

  29. Dianna on June 4, 2015 at 12:33 am

    Dear Friend,

    I wish I could honestly tell and comfort you that the plan will work. Unfortunately, w/ an addiction, willpower will not work. It is much more complicated than that…perhaps Leslie or some other professional could give you a concise discussion on the dynamics of addiction and sexual addiction.

    People I know who have been successful in being ‘forever sexual addiction overcomers,’ have done so w/ much counseling from those who specialize in addiction counseling, have a couple of reliable accountability friends and appropriate counseling for the non-addicted spouse. Like I said, it is more complicated than how it seems.

    The addict needs God to worship in place of the addiction, which is hard. So, lots of good bible study, worship and mentoring from a mature, honest, godly man is an important element for overcoming, also.

    God’s blessing for your faithfulness to be honest and efforts to help your husband and relationship. Unfortunately, it takes a major team to overcome and you are greatly out-numbered by his years of addiction and the brain-wiring that has occurred..as has your husband.

    Many have overcome and restored their marriages by God’s grace and healing. Prayers for success to both of you.

  30. Ann on November 10, 2015 at 8:50 am

    Thx for this blog. I read several posts carefully, then skimmed.

    It’s so good to hear about all the unrepentant “repentant” spouses because it helps me deal with my confusion.

    I am so confused. It’s like emotional abuse 24-7, only without obvious signs. We avoid all personal conversation, but are cordial. We go to marriage counseling, where he talks about all the harm I have done him and I talk about how I am ashamed and embarrased to meet his friends. And after a cordial two weeks, his report to the counselor is that we had a fanatastic two weeks.

    The only emotional responses I get from him are when he twists what I say and gets angry, or where he defines me by some random, throw-away comment I made x number of years ago, or he blames me for upsetting him. The only emotional responses he gets from me are, well, nothing, because he doesn’t ask questions that might prompt one. So you could say that my emotional response is flat/distant.

    I go to counseling, where I sob and try to understand what’s happening. I go to Sexaholics Anonymous, where I sob some more, but don’t talk. I am sick of being consumed with grief and anger and overwhelming emotions I can neither name nor manage.

    So, he’s not a man who’s spent 10s of thousands of dollars on strip clubs and bars; he’s not a man who’s engaged in spending behaviors several times througout our life; he’s not a man with a drinking problem, a porn problem, or a spending problem. He’s not a man who beats his wife or kids. He’s just this really great guy that everybody thinks is wonderful.

    But he is a man who’s done all these things, who had an Ashley Madison account; who spent money at an escort service this summer (while declaring that all the behaviors stopped last year), and in whose files I recently found a flash drive loaded with files of pornographic images.

    It’s obvious, right? That our emotional relationship is unhealthy, that his behaviors are unacceptable to me, and that he’s not ready to accept responsibility for himself.

    That’s all — except to say it’s refreshing to read that most participants here aren’t suggesting that it’s our job to suck it up and keep living the lie. I’m still living the lie, but I’m in counseling to figure out how to become emotionally / spiritually healthy. I can’t imagine how that can include continuing in this marriage.

    I wish all of you the peace and healing that I seek for myself. I wish the same for these men, but truthfully, that’s still an intellectual thought more than a heartfelt one. 😉

    • Ann on November 10, 2015 at 12:59 pm

      Clarification: He does not and has not ever threatened violence or hit us.

  31. britney on January 9, 2016 at 10:22 pm

    I want to say a big thanks to the man who is behind my smiles today by reuniting me and my Husband after he divorced me, Dr Osato who is a very powerful spell caster brought my husband back to me and made him beg me to forgive him for everything he did to me, i really missed him so much and always loved him. Am happy to have him back in my life and all my appreciations goes to Dr Osato for helping me and bringing my husband back to my life with his great powers. My friends out there who are going through marriage problems and divorce issues i assure you that you can get your lover back to your life with the help of Dr Osato. You can reach him on: (relationshipspell@gmail. com) his website http://relationshipspellhelp.webs.com

    Once again thanks be to you the Great Dr Osato relationshipspell@gmail. com

  32. Brenda on January 11, 2016 at 1:55 am

    Britney.
    Once again thanks be to you the Great Dr Osato relationshipspell@gmail. com

    This sounds like a late night infomercial.

    Brenda

  33. E on January 28, 2016 at 8:43 am

    I have been up all night reading the blog, and was looking for support. It is comforting to know there are people enduring the same thing I am. My marriage of more than 2 decades is a sham. My husband has a double life of strip clubs, masturbating while watching porn, and a general obsession with women. He hid it well. His has mentally abused and controlled me since the day we married. Our entire marriage he has blamed everything on me. The anger, the self serving ego, has made me lose all confidence in myself. I would find receipts is his pants from late night bars while he travelled on business. (When we would hang up from a call and say he was going to bed) I would question him and that’s when I would suffer the wrath of his anger. “I’m a good man, I would never cheat on you, I never look at other women. You are sick, you need help. I am tired of your distrust…..” I had caught him on DOZENS of occasions lying about where he has been, and what he has been doing. I had a pile of receipts for is indiscretions in my bureau. It all came out when I was spammed by my husbands email from a dating service he had joined. That was it…
    I have kept the dirty secret of his anger, and abuse from everyone. Just before Christmas my beautiful daughter said; “mummy, I notice when you and dad fight, he has always has to win. Why do you always let that happen”? At that moment it came crashing down on me that I am failing as a mother. What kind of am example am I being for my children? And then 2 weeks ago is when my email got spammed.
    After “spying” and trying to piece together the decades of lies, I confronted him a week ago. It was a 3 day on and off argument. He admitted to the deceit, the lies, the porn, the dating websites and the bars and strip clubs to me. I am sure he has probably slept with other women though he completely denies it. I don’t trust him because he has lied our entire marriage. It took 30 hours for me to wear him down to reveal everything. It was hell. The only thing that has kept me going is my faith in The Lord. My constant prayers and novenas our entire marriage.
    I made my husband reveal the dirty ugly truth to our children. He never cried a tear – and I told him to leave. For the first time in his life HE is wrong not me. He said he is going to get help. He has promised our children he is setting up appointments for next week. He has been a wonderful dad, but a horrible husband. I love him but I will never forgive him. He has destroyed my entire world. I cannot stop crying. I wrote an 8 page suicide letter to my children and planned how I would end my life. I am hanging on by a thread.

    • Bexscotland on February 1, 2016 at 12:39 pm

      Stay strong, I feel your pain. Your not alone, the Lord is with you and feels your pain too. You can do this and you will cos the Lord will give you the strength and prop you up. I’m in the same position but keep on going back. I’m not sure when enough will be enough but I’m thinking I’ll know when it is. Stay strong.

  34. Dianna on January 28, 2016 at 9:02 pm

    Dearest E,

    Thank you for being so brave in sharing your personal story! Such courage!

    I am praying to God to equip, heal and sustain you, as I write – my heart goes out to you, yet our God, Who created you – has to be so much more so for He loves you more than anyone else.

    Please get some professional support for yourself and quit hanging to your sanity by a thread. Please do not go through this alone. Your local domestic violence agency may prove to have many free/low cost resources for you along w/ good support. You may want to get some good help for your children, too.

    I applaud you in standing on truth w/ your husband. Facing it, yourself and standing to him is the first step in empowerment for yourself. Leslie Vernick is a wonderful, experienced, gifted-communicator and counselor. I have been reading, listening, in her online coaching groups for two-and-a-half years. It has given me life by her insight into women in destructive relationships, how to heal, the practical tools to learn to manage emotions (mine) during such chaos and how to stand on God’s truth in my and loved ones’ lives. Such freedom and support can be yours, too, as you have found or are finding w/ this blog community

    I encourage you to visit her website and see what is helpful for you. She has oodles of free resources! I love and have loved the short videos on specific aspects of destructive marriages and the pieces that go w/ it. It helped me and I continue to re-listen/watch for continual support and to let points sink in.

    She also has several online coaching groups for various concerns that are soooo helpful. She gives reasonable homework, has biweekly or monthly private-group teaching phone calls and a good q & a time. Then there is a private facebook group page available for members to give support throughout. There is nothing like this support from women going through similar situations and all the info shared and prayers! Celebrating small and large victories virtually is done, also.

    I hope this is not too much info, E, but I want you to know that your life is very important and worth keeping and healing. I and so many others have seen such change, blessing, answers, healing, empowerment and forward movement happen in some unbelievable ways. So can you. I think your standing for truth has been your beginning and finding this blog site. I hope you have signed up for Leslie’s emails, too, to keep up on what is being offered.

    Take care of yourself, know you are worth so very much and that godly healing is possible.

    Praying for peace, rest and godly wisdom for you, now. May God lead you to local resources.

    Please keep us updated and feel free to reach out whenever you desire. We support and pray for one another on this website!

  35. Brenda on January 29, 2016 at 1:35 am

    E,
    You are not the one who has been a terrible mother, but your h’s horrid behavior and sin against you and God is NOT being a good dad to your kids. He is to set the example of what a man should be. He has not done that. He has chosen his wicked heart and sleeping with other women or not has lead an adulterous life by his actions. Your children know that.

    They will not fault you. You have stood up to him. It is now his turn to show all of you a true change not only outwardly by getting counseling, but inside with a heart change.

    I believe your life is worth so much more. Please do not end it and leave your children this way. What would you be leaving them with. Hold on to them and love them. They need you. Look to Jesus in your hour of need and beyond. He will help you to forgive. You don’t have to forget or live with him any longer. You don’t have to allow him to hurt you any longer. I live alone and am happy with that decision. My xh still continues the lies that he told, but I do not live with them any more.

    I am praying for you now!! Stay with your children!! Stay with us!!

    Brenda

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