Good morning friends,

I’m heading out to Dallas, Texas on Thursday to speak at the ABC Biblical Counseling Conference. I’d appreciate your prayers as I speak on Friday afternoon.

Do you ever get so busy that God gets pushed to the side? I do, and I hate it. I would love nothing more than to spend long leisurely times soaking up God’s word. Earlier, I read a quote from Charles Spurgeon who said, “Discernment is not a matter of simply telling the difference between right and wrong; rather it is telling the difference between right and almost right.” I like that. Without God and his wisdom, we don’t have a chance of true discernment, and then whatever we do doesn’t matter if God isn’t in the midst of it.

Pray for me as I work on my new book. I crave extended writing time which does not come without sacrifice in my personal as well as client schedule. I’m also finding it challenging to keep up with all my writing responsibilities so I’d like to ask you a question.

Are you finding this blog helpful? You can answer quickly with a yes or no or you can give me feedback on what you’d like to see different so I can best serve those of you who are stopping by each week.

This Week’s Question: Several years ago, my sister borrowed a significant amount of money from me to start a new business. She didn’t want me to tell the rest of our family, and I honored her request. Now, several years later, she has yet to repay me the loan. She has made one payment, but after that, nothing. I am angry and hurt. Do you think it would be violating our agreement if I told our family members about my loan and her non payment in order to get their support? I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my sister.

Answer: First, let me tell you that it was very kind of you to loan your sister the money to start her business. However, most people who give financial advice regarding loans to family members strongly recommend an explicit, legally written, repayment agreement so that this kind of sticky issue does not split families apart.

I can’t tell you what to do about this, but let me give you some things to think about as you make your decision. You seem to value your relationship with your sister and want it to continue. Therefore, going to other family members before having a heart to heart talk with your sister about your feelings would be counterproductive.

Start by asking yourself whether there is a reason why she has not repaid you yet. Could it be that her business isn’t doing well or has failed, and she just doesn’t have the money? Or perhaps she assumes you don’t need the money right now since you haven’t asked her for it. Maybe she is using her extra money for other things she needs either personally or for her business growth.

On the other hand, she may be taking advantage of your kindness and, as I’ve said before, there is a high price in being too nice. So now is the time to sit down with your sister and have a “speak up” dialogue. You start this conversation by owning your problem and then sharing your feelings.*

For example, you might say something like:


“I’m having a hard time talking with you about something that has been on my mind. I love you, and our relationship is very important to me. You know I would help you in any way I could. Several years back you borrowed a substantial amount of money from me. I thought you agreed to pay it back in regular monthly payments. Yet, I have only received one payment in the last 4 years. I’m feeling hurt and confused. Can you explain what’s going on?”

Your sister will probably feel defensive, so stay calm and say this in as neutral a voice tone as possible. When done, stop talking and let her explain. You want answers, not to start a family war. Her response regarding your feelings and desire for repayment will determine your next step. Your sister may say things that help you understand a bigger dilemma she faces and why repayment at this time isn’t possible. Or, she might promise to start repaying the loan, at which point you will have to decide whether to put her promise into writing or not. On the other hand, if she makes lame excuses, dismisses your feelings or refuses to repay the loan, then you will have to choose whether to press this matter further with family members.

However, let me just add two additional cautions. I’m not a lawyer, but without anything in writing, it’s your word against hers as to whether this was a gift or a loan. Trying to extract a debt from someone who does not want to pay it back is difficult. Without legal documentation, it is close to impossible. You’ll have to decide whether it’s worth letting the entire family know of your sister’s behavior. What will that cost?

Second, if your sister shows no concern for your feelings, then perhaps you are trying too hard to maintain a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about you and is not honest. If so, you may choose to minister to your sister as Jesus calls us to love one another, even our enemies, but don’t think for a minute you have what it takes to share a close friendship together. That doesn’t mean you cannot participate together in family gatherings, however you would interact with her more as a superficial acquaintance rather than a close friend.

More information on having “speak up” dialogues can be found in my book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship.

Posted in ,

13 Comments

  1. Anonymous on April 23, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    I love following your blog and find it incredibly helpful.

  2. Anonymous on April 23, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    I follow your blog regularly, and it is great! Thank you!

  3. Anonymous on April 23, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    I anxiously check your blog every Monday, hoping you will take a question that deals with an emotionally abusive marriage. I am very, very anxious for you to finish you book about the emotionally abusive marriage because I am living in one and am desperate for advice and counsel given from a Biblical perspective. I think wise counsel in this area is desperately needed, and I would encourage you to make this focus a priority. I think you are bringing something to the Church that desperately needs to be heard.

  4. Anonymous on April 23, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    I too really love your insight in this. I am in a spiritually abusive elationship and this biblical perspective is CRUCIAL to seeing it as abuse. Its also a perspective thats not common in abuse advisors. Thanks so much for the great effort you make!! Its very helpful and SO needed!!

  5. Anonymous on April 23, 2012 at 10:02 pm

    Yes, and Amen! to all 4 above responses!!

  6. Anonymous on April 24, 2012 at 3:10 am

    I really appreciate your blog. I think you fill a great need – helping people deal with some of the messy issues in life.
    I once asked a question to you about adoption, which you answered. In the end, we did adopt a child internationally and we feel so blessed to have her in our family. I often think of the advice you gave (on this very blog!) to surround her with our love and then she will know how valued she is, especially since she's adopted. So thank you. You gave us the confidence that we needed to go ahead.

  7. Anonymous on April 24, 2012 at 3:11 am

    I really appreciate your blog. I think you fill a great need – helping people deal with some of the messy issues in life.
    I once asked a question to you about adoption, which you answered. In the end, we did adopt a child internationally and we feel so blessed to have her in our family. I often think of the advice you gave (on this very blog!) to surround her with our love and then she will know how valued she is, especially since she's adopted. So thank you. You gave us the confidence that we needed to go ahead.

  8. Anonymous on April 24, 2012 at 5:01 am

    Yes, and I am very much looking forward to your upcoming book!

  9. Anonymous on April 26, 2012 at 1:50 am

    I can't remember a blog that hasn't been helpful. My ways of seeing and relating have changed greatly because of the clear, biblical principles and scripted examples of good communication that you give. I'm also eagerly anticipating your new book.

    Your granddaughters are precious!

  10. Anonymous on April 26, 2012 at 4:39 am

    Love your blog! Please continue..

  11. Anonymous on April 26, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    Please continue. Your blog is very helpful.

  12. wisdomforherheart on April 28, 2012 at 12:38 am

    I love your blog. Everything you do is so beneficial! Thank you Leslie!

  13. Anonymous on April 30, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    I check your blog every Monday too and can't begin to tell you how helpful it and your books have been! Thank you so much for your work. However, if you need time to finish your book on the emotionally destructive marriage, I'd say make that book a priority. The church (pastors! and lay counselors) need your book. Not many are studying the dynamics of abuse in the "christian" home and the pat answer to women facing complicated issues is often, "Submit to your husband." without taking into account the rest of scripture on marriage. Thank you Leslie. Praying for you.
    Pam

Leave a Comment





Read More

Implementing The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: Is It Worth Church Discipline? Pt. 2

Morning friends, I am in Cuba this week and deeply covet your prayers. Ask God for a special anointing on my teaching and time with these dear Cuban church leaders and pastors and that in every way God will be glorified. Also pray for my strength, stamina and my ability to sleep well. I don’t…

Read More...

How Can I Know God’s Will?

This month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I’ve written another blog on it if you’d like to have a Biblical Response to Domestic Violence check out www.christianpsych.org/wp_scp/blog/ My book Lord, I Just Want to be Happy has been released. TODAY (Monday October 5, 2009), there is a ½ price special on my website at www.cart.leslievernick/category/books/…

Read More...

For Better or Worse – What Does That Mean?

Morning friends, Things are looking up with my new assistant Kim. She is techno savvy and hopefully will help me streamline things so I don’t keep dropping the balls that are in the air.  Thanks for your prayers. I hope you got a chance to listen to the RBC Webinar on Destructive Marriages that I…

Read More...

Ask Your Question

Have a blog question you'd like to submit?