Happy New Year Friends,

Are you the kind of person who makes New Years’ Resolutions? I am. I was just going back over last year’s goals and was happy I met some of them, but other’s I totally forgot about it. How about you? What resolutions did you manage to actually keep or change through 2011 and what got pushed back to the backburner of your life?

I’ve found that when we are serious about making change, it helps to have some structure and accountability. For example, if you want to lose weight, structure means that you have a meal plan or specific diet you are following that you know how to do and are taking time to work into your daily routine. Accountability means that you share your goals with someone who can encourage you to reach them. Accountability also may be that you weigh yourself every few days to see if what you are doing is working.

Let’s share with one another the change we want to make this next year and what structure and accountability we are putting in place to reach it.

I am going to read through the Bible this year, so I have downloaded a reading plan that I check off every day. (That’s my structure). My accountability is that I’m telling you all what I am going to do and will have to report to you in 2013 whether or not I reached that goal. Knowing I will have to tell you will help me to actually push to reach my goal.

FYI–I will be a guest on Moody Mid-Day Connection radio program on Tuesday, January 3rd at 12:00 CT talking about depression proofing your life. You can call in with your questions or comments at (877) 548-3675 or (877) LIVE-675 or go to http://www.facebook.com/middayconnection#!/middayconnection

Today’s Question: I read your blog on “Making Christmas Happen for Everyone” (December 5th blog). I have done your suggestions. However, what I experience from my husband when I act in the ways you describe is rage, anger, bitterness and resentment, and it’s not because I didn’t say it right. It’s because he’s not getting his own way, and it’s becoming too much for me to handle (it’s been 25 years).

I believe the next step is to seek a counselor who can help us both communicate better and respect each other, and then allow my husband the gift of consequences if he chooses not to work on these issues. I signed up for a mutual relationship, not a servant/master relationship, and I plan to hold him to his word–lovingly.

I believe, from my experience with my husband, that he will not cooperate with anything and will give me the ultimatum, “Take it or leave it. You have the problem.”

What do you think? Speaking up terrifies me because I don’t know what could happen, and rocking the boat causes a lot of anger, not just in our marriage but in the whole family.

Do you have anything to offer besides trust in the Lord, pray, and don’t be afraid or anxious for nothing. I know these wonderful truths, but even Jesus cried and exuded blood from his pores. Even Moses was scared. Even Abraham doubted when he walked the journey to place Isaac on the altar. All of these emotions are part of being human, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have faith. My family is very dear to me, and I’m afraid that if I put my foot down it will only get worse. Is it wrong to just want peace and rest? I know God won’t give us more than we can handle, but I am so very tired and afraid of the outcome.

Answer: You are right–we are human and we all have real and raw emotions when we live in stressful situations where there is continual conflict, bullying and disrespect.

Your letter indicates you are conflicted about this change you want to make. On the one hand, you say you are very tired of living this way and are ready to make a serious attempt at real change. On the other hand, you are very afraid that the change you desire won’t occur and, by standing up to him, things could get worse.

I was just reading today in the Psalms. It said, “My soul has dwelt too long with one who hates peace. I am for peace; But when I speak, they are for war (Psalm 120:6,7 NKJV). Your situation reminds me of many marriages where one person wants peace, but when she or he finally speaks up, it just causes more drama, more hatred, more conflict.

You’re right. Just because you finally take a stand and say “I didn’t sign up for a slave/master relationship” doesn’t mean that your husband will be willing to move toward a more mutual marriage. As long as he’s the master and you’re willing to be the slave, it works for him. However, perhaps he’s just as frightened of change as you are or just as unhappy.

So you ask if there is anything I can offer besides the standard trust God and don’t be anxious? It’s sad to me that we don’t find the comfort and healing in God’s word that he wants us to, but I understand what you are saying.

Here’s what I want you to know. God designed marriage to be a mutually loving and respectful relationship, not a slave/master one. Because that is God’s will for marriage, know that he is on the side of the oppressed when one person takes power over another and uses words, money, physical force or the scriptures to dominate and control the other.

When you respectfully speak up against injustice and oppression in a marriage (or anywhere else for that matter), know that God is on your side. If the other person refuses to listen, the gift of consequences can be a painful but helpful reminder that he or she will not reap the benefits of a good marriage when they sow discord and selfishness.

Sadly, when we are in close relationship with people (as in marriage and family) and one person receives painful consequences, often the entire family also suffers. That’s what you fear and rightly so.

So I think the next step you need to ask yourself in this whole process is do you want to live in fear–fear of staying or the fear of leaving–or do you want to live in faith (whether you think it wise to leave or stay)? Faith that God knows your story. Faith that God is bigger than your story. Faith that God has a plan for your life, and he is your helper in times of trouble.

It’s interesting to me that the psalmist says both, “I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?” (Psalm 56:11), and “When I am afraid, I will trust God” (Psalm 56:3). There are times our faith is so big we don’t feel fear. Other times, we are so filled with fear that we will be overwhelmed by it if we don’t trust God.

I pray you choose faith, even when you feel fear.

4 Comments

  1. Anonymous on January 3, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    Drs. Cloud and Townsend talk about needing a supportive community when setting boundaries – especially with abusive people. A supportive community means you have a place of comfort and care when the illusory peace in your dysfunctional relationship erodes beneath your feet. That community should always ultimately point you back to God and His provision and care for us, but it does really help to have safe, sane people around you when attempting to make changes in dysfunctional relationships.

  2. Anonymous on January 4, 2012 at 1:53 am

    “My soul has dwelt too long with one who hates peace. I am for peace; But when I speak, they are for war (Psalm 120:6,7) This is the same scripture God gave me when I was in this type of relationship. It expressed my feelings so accurately. My husband refused to do anything to make the marriage work. As a matter of fact he only got worse when I acted in kindness toward him. I was afraid of the changes I would have to go through if I chose to end the marriage. But God was with me the entire way, and 6 years later I am happy and at peace. Yes, there was fear in those first few months, but God was close.

  3. Anonymous on January 4, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    I wish you every blessing and comfort. I will pray that God will ease your burdens.

  4. elisa.lu on January 12, 2012 at 3:50 am

    God never ceases to amaze me in the ways He brings people and circumstances into my life to move me forward on the journey! As I looked over my resolutions from last year I was pleasantly surprised to find that many of them were indeed accomplished.

Leave a Comment





Read More

What Should I do if I suspect child abuse?

Question: I just got home from a Thanksgiving dinner and I can’t believe how my brother-in-law was treating his son. He humiliated my nephew in front of everyone, yelling at him and criticizing him endlessly throughout the day. I could hardly keep my mouth shut. I just wanted to scream at him ‘Stop—don’t you see…

Read More...

Am I Enabling My Husband?

Morning friends, I never made it to Branson.  God had other plans.  I was stuck at O’Hare Airport in Chicago for over 24 hours and ended up just flying back home without ever speaking.  Thanks for your prayers but God had other plans for me. Be sure to catch the special articles and videos I’m…

Read More...

When Do I Put Consequences In Place

Morning friends, Can you believe that summer is on its way out? Life is going way too fast for me. This past weekend I had the opportunity to be in Chicago with some good friends visiting the Windy City. We had a great time taking a boat tour down the Chicago River, eating pizza and…

Read More...

Ask Your Question

Have a blog question you'd like to submit?