Our CONQUER Conference is going to be held this weekend and it will be amazing. Over 600 women from all over the US and Canada are going to be joining together to learn how to become the woman God designed them to be. It’s not too late for you to come. Click here to register.
Next week I will post some pictures of our conference for you.
After this weekend, I have just 3 weekends to finish packing up my entire house. Pray that I am able to get it all done. We have sold the majority of our things but still have a treadmill and some collectible things to get sell as well as a bunch of garden things.
I’m speaking in Chicago November 3-5 so pray that I can focus and give 100% to speaking.
Question: One of the chapters in your new book on The Emotionally Destructive Marriage addressed control regarding looking at emails and texts. I never did this before until I had caught my husband in a lie about his whereabouts and he was acting differently for several months and protective over his phone.
When I looked at his phone without his knowledge I saw texts with co-workers and customers that were flirtatious. Then I looked at emails and also found emails that made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable as a wife. He said he could see why I thought that way and would take a look at his actions. I hadn't looked in a long time but several texts would appear when I was near him that I saw that again were the same flirtatious exchanges.
We are in counseling and he did admit to being deceptive regarding his whereabouts. I hadn't looked in a while but started looking again at his texts, because I felt he was again not being truthful but maybe he never has and that the only way I could find out the truth is if I looked.
Is this wrong and controlling as you mentioned in your book? Or is it different when you have reason to look because I hadn't looked until that point. Again, I love this book and can't put it down. He is attentive to me when we are together.
If I didn't look I might not realize what is going on. He is meeting with a counselor regarding his inability to express emotions (dad died when he was 6 yrs old). My counselor feels he is being emotionally promiscuous. He feels he is in control and not doing anything wrong. Recently I saw 3 texts in over a year from a co-worker that he said were not meant for him. One said listening to this song thinking of you and another said, “Me too Babe, it's been a long time.”
He said she texted back and mentioned it was not intended for him. I want to believe him but it’s getting harder and harder. If I didn't look, on the surface things appear normal.
Answer: I’m sorry you’ve discovered that your husband has a secret life. That is painful to you and harmful to your marriage, although apparently he is also confusing you. On the one hand, he’s agreeing that his behavior might make you feel unsafe and uncomfortable. Yet he is also minimizing the damage when he states he’s in control of his emotional promiscuity and not doing anything wrong. If he’s not doing anything wrong, why is he hiding his behavior?
That said; the question you’re asking is “are my behaviors controlling when I keep checking my husband’s cell phone and e-mails to see if he is lying or sneaking around”?
Let me ask you a question. Why are you still checking? If it’s to find out if he’s lying to you, you already know the answer to that so what’s your purpose? To find out if he’s still lying to you? You already know that answer too. So what do you want to do with the information you already have? That is what you need to focus on right now.
You indicate that overall you have a good marriage and you would have no idea what’s going on if you didn’t check. From that I assume that you want your marriage to stay intact, minus the emotional promiscuity. What does your husband want? If he wants the same thing then what will he need to change in order for him to stop his secret life?
First, he might commit himself to counseling to figure out what he’s trying to get out of his flirtatious behaviors. Next, he would initiate accountability for himself so that he will be less likely to fall into those same behaviors, you will feel safe, and you both can rebuild trust.
That means he will invite and allow you and/or other people such as a good male accountability partner to monitor his e-mails, phone messages or texts whenever you want to. You will not need to sneak to check, you will have full access to his passwords and be able to verify that he is doing what he says anytime you feel anxious. This is not to control him – as he must learn to control himself. This is for you to rebuild trust that he is doing what he says he wants to do – stay married to you and stop flirting with other women.
However, that doesn’t mean that if your husband wants to, he still can’t find a way to flirt and lie about it.
You cannot control him or his behaviors. The best you can do is to decide what you are willing to live with and what you are not willing to live with and then let him know what the consequences will be to your marriage if he continues to lie and flirt (Click to Tweet).
You cannot control him or his behaviors. The best you can do is to decide what you are willing to live with and what you are not willing to live with and then let him know what the consequences will be to your marriage if he continues to lie and flirt.
So many women obsessively try to change their husband’s sinful behaviors by playing detective and drive themselves crazy in the process. If your husband wants to be a liar and a cheat, you are absolutely powerless to stop him. All you can do is work on yourself and decide if you are willing to put up with that behavior or not. If not, then what do you need to do instead of continuously monitoring him?
Friends: How have you been able to let go of the compulsion to check up on your spouse’s behaviors?