I’m back home but in a mess. Living in one place for 3 ½ months and then transitioning back home and bringing everything back home creates a lot of work. Our little cabin freezes during the winter (yes there are places in Arizona that freeze), so all liquids need to come back here including cleaning supplies, makeup, etc.
Our dog Addison had her female surgery last week and is doing just great. She gets her head cone off today and she will be happy to not crash into doorways and walls anymore.
Today’s Question: I am being told by my husband that I am being controlling, taking over the head of the house which leads to witchcraft, Jezebel, and antichrist etc. I’m told I need to release the control back to my husband. Otherwise, I will reap what I sow.
After money being spent on things that did not need to be spent on and paychecks being spent before I had deposited them in the bank, I started to put my pay from work into a separate account. We have two children who need to be looked after.
My husband is not working. Currently, he is being required to stay at another address because of destructive behavior. He believes it is my responsibility to fix up the court breach and if I had just done what he had said at the time none of this would have happened.
He apologizes and I always forgive.
If I don't release the control, the person who he is staying with tells me my husband will probably move away. We have a 10 & 12-year-old and for him to even contemplate leaving I find difficult to understand or is this just further manipulation?
He is due to appear in a few court matters in the next few months.
Have you any advice for my situation?
Answer: First of all it’s interesting that your husband warned you that you are out of line by taking control of your own finances and that if you continue this behavior you will sow what you reap – implying that God will judge you harshly.
But your husband can sow repeated abuse, financial instability, insecurity, unemployment, and irresponsibility and he’s not supposed to reap what he sows? You’re supposed to take care of that for him? How crazy is that?
You are right to be a good steward of the children’s needs. God calls you to that responsibility as their mother. Your husband has been fiscally irresponsible and is unemployed. You are the one who works and brings in the paycheck. In a normal healthy relationship that wouldn’t matter but your husband has repeatedly demonstrated financial irresponsibility, using your paycheck for his own pleasures instead of the family needs. Therefore, you must take charge of the money. If your husband was drunk or driving in an erratic way straight off a cliff, would you be wrong to try to get control of the car in order to prevent a catastrophic crash? Absolutely not!
Those who teach that a woman should sit silently and trust God while her husband behaves recklessly and dangerously with the family finances or other matters of safety are not biblical. Click To Tweet
If she has no options, that’s one thing, but if she does, that’s another. Remember Abigail? When her husband behaved foolishly and denied David and his men food, Abigail didn’t sit passively and hope that God would somehow protect her. She took action and did the right thing, not only for her household but also for Nabal. (see 1 Samuel 25 for the story)
Second, you can forgive your husband but that doesn’t mean you should trust him right now. He is not trustworthy. His apologies mean nothing. They are empty words to get you to soften up, do what he wants and get him out of trouble. Don’t do it. He is out of the house because a court has determined him destructive. Those are the legal consequence of his behaviors. Now he wants you to fix that for him. That’s not your job to do. What about him learning the lessons from this painful consequence by having to live apart from his family?
Third, he’s indirectly communicated to you that if you don’t fix things with the court and/or let him control the finances again he’ll move away. He is telling you something important. He only cares about himself, not you or your children.
This may sound harsh but it might be a blessing for you and your children if he did move away. He is foolish, irresponsible, unteachable, and unwilling to learn from his mistakes. He thinks that because he is a man he gets to call all the shots while behaving recklessly and putting his family’s needs second to his own.
That is not what biblical headship is all about. Biblical headship is about sacrificial servanthood, not getting one’s own way. Do you really want that kind of influence continually around your children?
Last but not least, you need some godly support for the decisions you are making. It’s not easy to be a single parent and I hear your fear as you face your husband’s threats to move away. I hope you have found a good support system and if not, the ladies on this blog would love to encourage you.
It would also be wonderful if you could find a good church that understood the terrible predicament your husband’s behaviors have put you in. Of course, you’d love to have your man handle things for you. Of course, you’d love to be married to someone who cherished you and the kids and worked hard to support and provide for his family. Of course, you wish he loved God and loved you more than he loved his own self. But that’s not what you have and if you want to be healthy, you must live in truth and reality.
It’s easy to slide into wishful thinking, fantasyland and even spiritualize that thinking as loving, but it will be harmful to you to go there. Please make sure you are getting the support you need to stand firm and act courageously even when you feel afraid and wobbly.
Friends, what words of wisdom do you have to share from your experience in having to “take over” when your husband has abdicated his role as provider and protector in the family?